Why do wives stop having sex with their husbands? (by Johnny 5) (Problem Forum)
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Why do wives stop having sex with their husbands?

JOHNNY 5 on Dec 29 2011 at 06:59 (GMT)

I am a 40 year old male, married now for 12 years to a woman I have known a long time. When we met at college I found her to be intelligent and kind. She was never what you would call "hot" but that was not important to me, she was nice to me and we shared a lot of laughs.

Well, I started to see changes after a few years of marriage. She seemed to distance herself emotionally and then we had our first and only child. After she was born, we completely stopped having sex. But not just that we seemed to be living as roommates more than husband and wife and nothing has changed since then.

sex is not that important to me but the complete lack of it makes me feel like I am living with a renter not a wife. I miss feeling close to a woman and what makes it worse is that I am afraid to do anything about it because of our daughter. I do not want her to have to suffer and prefer to pretend that things are going well so that she has a stable family life as she grows up.

I feel trapped. I am wondering why my wife does not want to sleep with me anymore, even though we seem to get along in every other respect.

Reply from ELIZA on Jan 7 2012 at 22:41

You didn't mention about yourself at all as you mentioned that your wife wasn't 'hot' looking. Do you look after yourself for your wife to fancy you and physically she finds you attractive? Emotionally is she satisfied? Do you tell her she looks good and you love her etc? Most women have to have an emotional connection firstly then you'll find your sex-life is more passionate or even tantric..

After having our first child I have isolated myself from outside world, this went on for about a year. Going back to work at the end of that year has opened my eyes and I started making the effort. Although he went and had an affair for couple of years, we are back again. It is very tough! Do not go down that route as you might think that you have every right to it or get tempted!

Maybe your wife needs to start taking up hobbies/interests where you can also join her and spend time together outside of your home.

Good luck..

Reply from NEEDHAPPINESS on Jan 8 2012 at 12:35

Hi

Well first of all i want to congratulate you for not having an affair, many men wont. I have been married for over ten years and after my first child i wasnt interested in sex. A child takes up a lot of energy and i didnt have any help so was always tired. Then my man wanted porn sex, romance was out of the question. I wasnt into that so forced myself once a week. He went to chat online to other girls. To keep him happy we had sex every two days the way he likes but it hasnt worked he is worse than ever. In your case try to understand why she doesnt want to have sex. Is it because she needs help with daily chores, that she needs to do things with you more, do you communicate, do you do sex her way? Does she feel ok with her self esteem? My man says that no men want to spend time with their wife in a long term marriage 30 minutes a week max. I think he is wrong and no need to tell you our marriage is dead by now. But if you love your wife have a good chat about what would make her happy and then work on it. Good luck

Reply from REDSTAR on Sep 11 2012 at 21:56

I am in the same situation as Johnny 5 & I have talked & listened & discussed. I have even offered to go to councelling...it falls on deaf ears...My libido, & heart are broken

Reply from AMY_99 on Sep 13 2012 at 03:49

I am in my early 30's and have been with my bf for 6 yrs. As a woman, I can tell you why I don't have the urges any longer...they may apply to her. My bf and I have had multiple health issues (mine including 2 back surgeries in 6 years). We were high school sweethearts once before I married and divorced someone else. Since we started back together, the sex tapered off. Unfortunately, it just seems like a chore. I have a 12 year old child who loves my bf and he is a great man. He's kind and intelligent and sweet... but he isn't romantic. For his benefit I tried to have sex with him FOR him, but after a while I felt like I just couldn't lie about it anymore. We've talked and tried and tried to make it better but he's not (nor am I) the person we were before. Now I feel like his maid and his mom. I'm doing all the chores, making all the decisions while all he does is watch t.v. or sleep. I love him truly, but his laziness has caused even more of a labido drop for me. He has never cheated and never lied to me. He even stuck up for me when his mother verbally attacked me. He quit smoking for me after my back surgery. I know we want to be together, but .... no sex in over 2 years.

So my guess is that women feel underappreciated after a while and more like a maid or a mother to their man. Send her an ecard a few times a month to show her you love her and think about her. Do some chores without being asked. If she's home before you, call your home and leave a message she will get telling her you love her and can't wait to come home to her warmth. Give more of yourself. Just my thoughts.

Reply from JOHNNY 5 on Sep 14 2012 at 04:26

Thank you all for sharing your own stories and giving me your advice, it is especially helpful to get the female perspective on this.

Recently a work colleague offered to cheat on her husband with me and it took all my strength to turn her down and make it clear that it would not solve her problems or mine. I think this was the right thing to do but it was tough to accept my ongoing loneliness.

I guess when it comes to sex, men have sex to find happiness but women have sex when they are happy. I am going to try to appreciate my wife more and hope for the best. My daughter is awesome, and being a father is great so I am going to focus on that for now. Hope you all are able to find some happiness in your lives.

Reply from REDSTAR on Sep 23 2012 at 15:15

Re Amy_99 -

I also appreciate getting a female perspective. I hope your back isn't causing you too much discomfort. I am also sorry to hear about your "maid" role too. I can fully empathize with this. However the following statement " For his benefit I tried to have sex with him FOR him, but after a while I felt like I just couldn't lie about it anymore. We've talked and tried and tried to make it better but he's not (nor am I) the person we were before" WOW If I were in your bf's situation I would feel pretty lousy. My partner doesn't want to have sex with me??? There is two levels of sexual desire in a man. The first is raw & animalistic desire to satisfy / be satisfied. The second however is the need to be desired / loved by his partner. I am not being cruel but honest when I say that your statement would devistate me & to be honest I would see it as the beginning of the end. I don't know your full circumstance but from your post it seems to give the message that you have no sexual urges anymore therefore you will not have sex with your partner & he will have to live with it???? This is a general opinion that seems to be expressed with these posts...I am in a sexless marriage & would like to know WHY the male should be expected to just grin & bear it?? Your opinions on this matter are welcomed

Reply from REDSTAR on Sep 23 2012 at 15:32

RE JOHNNY 5 - I TOTALLY empathise with your situation as I am in the exact same situation as your original post.

We had an active sex life at the beginning but now we can go weeks / months without sex. My wife NEVER instigates it & if we do have sex it is grudgingly & performed out of duty as oppossed to desire. I have discussed this with my wife probably about 10 times in our relationship & nothing changes. I am a pleaser & willing to satisfy & she claims she is satisfied. When you hear the excuse about being tired or having no time but they can make time to watch every crappy program on TV you have to wonder?

sex IS very important to me because I feel it has an essential function in a loving relationship. It has an animalistic function primarily BUT it is also an adult expression of love & one's desire to be together.

I have tried several times to attempt to confront & resolve this issue, offer to go to councilling, etc

I have young kids & would do NOTHING to hurt them but I think that when they are older & grown up that I am destined to have an affair. If I do it will be with my head held high as I have tried to address the situation several times. Yes sex is one part of a relationship but we need to look beyond animal instincts & realise that rejecting your partner is like pissing on their heart because they too want to feel wanted & desired. Rejection or lack of physical intimacy will be the beginning of the end even for the most understanding & loving partner...

Reply from JIM DANDY on Oct 22 2013 at 09:29

I am a 35 year old male. I do every thing for my wife I cook every night. All of are kids are older and require little attention. Not work like taking care of a baby. I think my wife is so hot. And yes I tell her every day. And I tell her how great she is in bed. When we have sex once a month. But to get it once a month its like a kid Begging for candy. No married man should have to beg period. Women should want to make there man happy. My wife gets everything she wants. So I got sick of it and just stop asking for sex period. And I got told that are sex life had gone to crap. I guess because I wont beg for it just to be turned down. I have never cheated on my wife.. long story short women wonder why men cheat.. sex may not be important to women but it is to every man...

Reply from Q SILVER on Oct 22 2013 at 14:28

I havent been married as long as you but thought to share this with you.

I have 2 children. I have noticed that in the begining of the relationship and when they want a child a woman will give you as much sex as you need. As a result most relationships work really well. Once children come along then understandably you get less sex. But the question is does she see, her looking after the kids as more difficult than anything else you could be doing?

My wife is a stay at home mom, a great mom, really good with the kids. But when it comes to sex these days its always a story of I am tired or this or that. It got to a point where I offered to hire a made and a nanny to free her, so we could be more intimate. Even this was turned down.

So my advice to my fellow men is to realise there is never enough you can do to please your wife or girl friend, it will never be enough and the sex will not come even if she seems happy. The best way around it is to have a serious talk with her and get her to do a deal with you. Get her to submit to your needs and in turn you attend to hers.

This will sound mean but trust me, it only worst this way. If you do things for her and hope she will give you sex you will be in for a long wait and you both will suffer.

Relationships seem to work best for the both of you when YOU are in charge.

Give it a try, and be prepared for a hell of an argument as most women have been thought by feminism never to submit.

In the beginning she will test you but in the end she will thank you and you both will be happy.

Reply from JMAN on Nov 21 2013 at 03:51

We all visited this site for somewhat the same reason. I have been married to the same women for 40 years and have been faithful that entire time. That said it has been extremely difficult because my wife had cancer 35 years ago and the surgeries left her scarred and her nerve endings are damaged. What should feel good causes her pain.

For her sex is a chore, it hurts.

I focus on the pain she has when I am tempted and it keeps me from "straying". WE have sex about once every three months, not enough but it is all she can handle.

All that to pontificate for a moment. As a 63 year old man I want to advise each of you to see a sex therapist and/or a marriage counselor. Over time not being intimate will eat at your marriage and men it will make you unhappy not from just missing sex but the love playing that goes with the sex. Having sex should not be a time to simply have an orgasm but should be a time where the souls of two people entwine and grow. Talk to your spouses and seek counseling, it will be one of the best decisions that you ever made.

Reply from MEDLOCK on Dec 31 2013 at 15:49

Can I ask all of you men a question???!! WHY IS IT ALL ABOUT YOU AND WHAT YOU WANT?!?! To me THIS is a major problem. We women take care of your children when they are hurt, sick, emotionally unstable, need lunch for school, driving them to school, picking them up, maintaining our careers, making dinner, etc. and we're supposed to just "give you what you want because women should make their men happy?" What about men making their women happy?! How about for once the men take on all the motherly duties and the making dinners and working a 9-5 job on top of it all then tell me how tired "you're not." Give me a break! Women are NOT solely on this planet just to "please" men. In a relationship it's 50/50 and a lot of men don't see that. They see that they have their needs and if their wife won't give it to them they'll find it somewhere else. That's pathetic. All of you say that you have "listened" to your wives. Sitting down and not saying anything just listening. . GOOD JOB . . but have you EVER REALLY LISTENED? Probably not. Because if you did you probably wouldn't have all of these problems. Women don't want to listen to men complain and moan about how they're not getting "laid." Maybe if you took the time to understand your wives and really helped her out emotionally she would be more than willing to be intimate with you. Women need to be emotionally satisfied. We don't care if something is in there or not, like men do. In my opinion in some ways it's kind of piggish and disgusting. Women want to be understood not treated like a piece of meat! Just my opinion. Emotionally satisfy your wife, be connected with her, and she'll be more than willing to satisfy your needs too.

Reply from SUSIEDQ on Dec 31 2013 at 17:38

I'm going to suggest a weekend ALONE with your spouse.

Tell her/him the purpose is to re-light the fire.

See how it turns out. You will know what to do when you get back home.

INTIMACY is VITAL for a good marriage. That may not include intercourse, but petting and kisses and loving touches should be there. ni.

Reply from OLDMAN1960 on Jan 2 2014 at 00:49

fellow men i,m going though the same thing.it,s the manonhold sickness.{manipause}their trying to put our jonny out of business.at lease you haven,t waited so long you have nut problems like me.

Reply from SAD RAGE on Jan 4 2014 at 06:57

to : the woman who write on here ,yes i have asked is there something wrong , is there some way we could talk about it , but i get nothing and by the way I help take care of the children , so no it is not left on her when they are sick they come to daddy when they go to be they give only daddy a hug and kiss , i tell her how hot and beautiful she looks all the time , and to me she is a very beautiful woman, but we don't have sex but maybe 4 to 5 times a year , and that i most of the time have to practically almost beg for it , i tried and asked her if she is going threw the change , she called me stupid and said no she is not going through the change , i even asked her if she wanted me to move out for a while she said no to that , i have asked her if there is anything at all that's bothering her she say's no , I've asked her if we should go to counselling. she said hell no we don't need that , so you ladies out there tell me whats going on because i'm running out of options & idea's now i'm starting to think maybe there is some one else and that maybe i should move on , i'll always love her but i just can't take the pain , I'm 48 and I don't want to die with a Broken Heart , I truly do love this woman and we have been together for 22 yrs now but married for 18 yrs. any of you ladies out there have any suggestions . i'll try anything first befor i call it quits .

Reply from SUSIEDQ on Jan 4 2014 at 22:45

Here are things that make women feel sexy:

Getting their hair done.

Getting a pedicure and a manicure

Exercising (so buy her a gym contract)

New pj's (so buy her something nice)

Getting flowers

Getting taken out for dinner

Getting some GOOD sleep

Getting a makeover

New clothes.

A massage

Clean husband (take shower often!!)

Romantic sex - not demanding

Being taken away for the weekend

Sweet talk or texts (NOT dirty ones)

Lots of foreplay

If none of these work, make sure she has a physical. She may be depressed and/or doesn't feel good about herself or her body.

Reply from MARIA on Jan 15 2014 at 02:46

Try to start a conversation about your relationship but steer clear of making it about sex at present. She may feel that you want to discuss sex because it concerns you. Not an accusation but a possibility of what she precieves.

Sometimes men ignore problems that their wives have repeatedly tried to deal with only to notice a problem when sex stops.

I know you are in pain and I am not blaming you but asking you to look back and consider. Has there been any conflict over the years that is repeated that you may have considered trivial?

Perhaps approach this as a relationship problem not only a sex problem. Have you read any relationship books? Is sex good for your wife?

Are you happy with the quality when you do have sex? Have you voiced disatisfaction with her when you were having frequent sex? Is she unhappy with her body?

Reply from ZANTHIC on Jan 15 2014 at 14:45

OK first I have to say that you have tried to talk to her, you and offered to go to someone who may be able to help. Let's put the shoe on the other foot for a minute. What if you woke up one day and you did not get an erection any more, if your wife tried to stimulate you nothing happened, the more she tried the more it would start to anger you, not at her but at yourslef. You would then start to avoid any situation that may allow her to try to be close and have sex. You would become moody and defensive. You would not want to talk to anybody about this bacause it is an embarassment and does not make sense to you. In your mind you want to have sex but your body reacts just the opposite. The more you push, talk and discuss with her the further she will pull into herself. She does not know why, and if she does it out of duty she will grow to resent it and the person she is doing it for. And for those who said they have ball problems from lack of sex no no no, lack of sex does not cause blue balls or any of those other names that they have come up with. Your body does not keep producing sperm and if not relieved will burst you have another health problem and need to see a doctor about it.

Reply from SUSIEDQ on Jan 16 2014 at 15:13

I also think it's important to look back and take a realistic view of how things were at the beginning of the relationship.

Sometimes, warning signs were there that this person was just not "into" sex. As time goes by, these feelings increase and the need for intimacy and sex diminish.

Reply from MARIA on Jan 23 2014 at 03:44

I posted earlier. Really feel upset about some of the post. The OP is a good man seeking help to solve a problem.

Some of the responses have been unkind and have nothing to do with his situation. It is more about the problems of the poster.

In reading your post OP, I think you are being too nice and rewarding your wife for disrespectful behavior. My suggestion is to stop telling her how hot and beautiful she is. Also stop saying you love her so often

Go back to how you were before you married. She is too sure of you. Dress nicely, get a good hair cut, get a hobby and join a group with shared interest. Be a bit mysterious. It's not a game, it's human nature.

She thinks you will always be there so she does not have to treat you well. The fact is that you may not always be there for her. What you are doing is letting her know that before she loses you. Give her a chance to work with you.

BTW, don't ask her what you should do. Do what you need to do. If you think therapy will help then go, you don't need her permission.

Let her know she welcomed to join you. Read "No more mr nice guy". You don't need to become a jerk but more independent and self assured like the man she married.

Don't be fearful. You'll get push back from her but in the end she will all in or not. In the meantime you will be a better man. Post on a supportive forum as you change.

My advice is from the experience of my marriage. I did not understand my husband as a man. I know now because I read about men and changed. I hope you will get change in your life.

Reply from WHATSUP on Jan 23 2014 at 06:28

Hey people - What has happened to evaporate the sexual desire in the relationship??? Me thinks there is more going on here than in your posts.

How was the pregnancy, how was the birth, were you there? Was/Is there post natal depression? How do you spend your time? Are you a stay at home person or a gad about? There simply has to be more to this problem than the obvious. There are always more than two sides to a story. Whatsup?

Reply from JOHNNY 5 on Mar 4 2014 at 02:54

Thank you all for your responses, they have helped me understand that I am not alone. I was interested in your response in particular MEDLOCK. You reaction is typical of most women and I want to better understand it. Firstly my wife is a stay at home mum. make all the income and provide for my children and her financially. Its true she looks after our kids and does a great job. Yes, it is a lot of work but so is my career. And all my money goes to my family. I understand my wife gets tired and so forth but this is not always the case. There must be one day in 10 years where is she is not tired, or depressed or whatever. I buy her flowers I offer romantic getaways, most of the time they are turned down. I make her laugh. Why is it that before we had children this all worked and now it doesnt? What has changed? We can get a babysitter for one night...why is this not enough now when it was before? I guess the way men tend ot look at this is if it worked before we had kids why is it not working now? Saying I dont *really* listen to my wife is pointless - maybe there is nothing to listen to because she is not saying anything. You try to imply there is some secret message she is trying to communicate and I cant hear it - then maybe she needs to be clearer, maybe she needs to use smaller words. The burden should be on her to explain herself not for me to try to guess at what she is feeling inside. I can tell you that she has not idea what I am feeling so does that mean she doesnt listen to me? Should I blame her for that?

I think at the end of the day its about selfishness. Some women see men as simply sperm and a paycheque. And there is nothing I can do about that. And I find that piggish and disgusting.

Reply from SHIVANGI on Mar 4 2014 at 05:41

Well it is possible She is bored of the way it is done. Just as we get bored of eating the food cooked the same way, we also get bored of the same kind of sex? Try to introduce role play, emphasize on foreplay more, try to build up the romantic evening and keep her in anticipation. Body has a language of its own. Try and observe what actions turn her off and try to avoid those.

A women connects emotionally first and then tries to satisfy the person to whom she has connected emotionally. Marriage does not remain the same years into it. You have to keep adding spice in it to keep it going great. If romantic outings are not working that coz you have lost the emotional connect already. Try to impress her with new things. Show more care and understanding. Sometimes its not enough to just care...she needs to understand you care....so you need to market yourself with words. Simple things like if you have cooked for her, her favourite dish say "I knew you would like it. I made it especially for you". If you have bought her a pretty dress, tell her "This dress looks prettier when you wear it." Please do not link it that see I am praising you, doing things for you so I need sex in lieu of it. That will eventually happen when the emotional connect comes back. Your focus should be to rekindle the emotional love.

Speak to her on the way she would like to have sex. Ask her what her fantasies are and try to bring them in into your role plays. If she doesn't know what she wants, either ask her to read sex stories or tell her various situations and ask her which appeals to her for your role play together. Designate a day in advance for your game...so you don't have to beg her and she will also prepare herself better mentally. When she starts showing more interest then you may gradually introduce the striptease or lap dance etc.

Women are shy to talk about sex. So try to read her body expressions to understand it more.

Reply from CHARLIE BROWN on May 6 2014 at 07:47

I have been married to my wife for 21 years now and we are both 50 years of age we have a teen age daughter and while we both work I do the majority of the cleaning, cooking, and what else is needed. Basically when we are home I wait on my wife hand and food and I am okay with that. I love her dearly and like for her to relax while we are home. In the past she has displayed the same “selfish” behavior of denying or withholding sex with me. She ask for hugs and kisses hold hands but that is the extent of physical contact. In the past it would just upset me and eventually she would give in and have what I define as pity sex and she is just going through the motions of making me happy. I respect my wife and her body and if she chooses not to share her body with me there is nothing I can do about it. It has been ten months plus since my wife and I have been intimate last night I asked again after we watched a movie and was denied again. Unable to sleep and not wanting to toss and turn all night took some medicine to put me to sleep. I really feel down about this because I am good to my wife and feel that she is being selfish and only thinking of herself. I have expressed that when she denies me that it hurts. What also is important to me is that we are both “Christians” I am not like holy holy like she is or anything like that we both attend church regularly and I know that there are scriptures’ that govern husband and wife but that does not matter. Selfishness, using sex as a forum of punishment is very difficult to understand. Johnny 5 your post on 04 Mar 2014 was nice. Thanks for sharing!

Reply from MOUNTAIN on May 6 2014 at 10:59

Hi I am amazed at how big this problem is I always thought I was the only one.

I believe something is missing here and something is not being acknowledged by one or both people.

Both people need to change,and embrace something new...... Both need to understand each other better. You need someone neutral to help tease out whatever unsaid thing,feeling, memory, in a controlled environment where both can hear yourselves!!!! Be present with them, the block in the road has to be removed ,you are both in crisis and need mentoring.

I left a long term relationship due to the similar reasons , I am a woman ,no children. He had a closed mind and barely washed,and just lazy. I wanted to explore and get a deeper connection, he was not interested.

So what that said to me was this.......

I need to feel love.....

I need to feel desired.....

I need to feel human.....

I need to smile again.....

I need to be happy......

All of those things I needed.... being in the relationship was like ME denying myself these basic needs. Not him, I got so used to asking for permission from someone else. Blaming them for me not feeling full-filled.

I wanted to go to counseling, try new things ,be lighthearted and have some fun....even if we just have a giggle etc, he did not think like me.....because sex to him was routine, lazy and not in tune ,a chore, needed serious work. Too much resentment build up its like a fog that you cannot see through.

I left and he never fought for us, leaving was the best decision , the problem was no communication, he had problems articulating stuff to me,so a therapist would have helped alot.

Ultimatum,,,, counseling for both.... or just you.....

Good luck

Reply from CRAZYDAVE on Jun 12 2014 at 19:25

Lots of interesting reading here and many stories that sound like my own. My own experience is my wife has lost interest in sex at age of 48. Yet when she does decide she wants it she still (and I as well) enjoys it like she did when we first met, and we are always saying we should do it more often. But then it is back to the old nothing happening for weeks or months.

I see from many of the women replying here that they need all kinds of emotional massaging to get things rolling in bed. Not sure if this is a natural or learned behavior. If you love your man and he loves you and you both know it then there should be no thought process involved before deciding "shall I, or shall I not".

Of course, I can understand the woman's thought process if she's with a jerk that she doesn't love or possibly even despises. But then isn't she playing a bit of a hooker role looking for the payment up front (just look at the lists on other comments by women of their turn-ons) for some rather crappy emotionally detached sex?

In my case, I've completely stopped making any sexual gestures toward my wife, as I got tired of the continual rejections. Now she seems to be wondering what is up. She doesn't bring it up, but I think she feels she has lost some sort of leverage over me, or worse yet that she has badly damaged her own marriage through her own game-playing. On the other hand, with sexual tensions out of the way, we are getting on rather well.

Reply from YAZOOSQUELCH on Jun 13 2014 at 01:29

Forget the dumb advice about trying to "kiss up" to her. You need to just frankly and honestly ask her what the problem is and inform her that your current situation is not what you want. Perhaps it's you, maybe it's her, possibly both but you will never know until you get the question out there. Good luck.

Reply from DOMINIC WILD (moderator) on Jun 13 2014 at 10:27

This topic seems to be quite active.

This entire issue is REALLY contradictory. You say that "sex is not that important to me" But then you go on to say "the complete lack of it makes me feel like I am living with a renter not a wife." HOLD ON, if it's not that important, why such the extreme dichotomy here? If sex isn't all that important to you, your relationship should be able to completely function without it. 110% you should be happy. What you said kind of implies that what makes your wife, your wife is the fact she has sex with you? And that if she doesn't she's a renter? I think in this regard sex means more to you than you acknowledge. sex is so unimportant it breaks your relationship? I think that's some pretty significant importance.

To fix this issue, I suggest you communicate it to her. Ask her can you have more sex? If not why not? Whatever her reason is if she doesn't want to, she doesn't want to. But if her reason is something that can be negotiated, then attempt to do that.

Another issue you probably want to fix is this emotional distancing. Again communicate this, ask her why she is acting this way, and what you and her can do to fix it. As you feel it hinders your relationship.

Don't feel trapped. You shouldn't, the reason you feel trapped is because your not communicating it with your partner in the fear it may harm the family stability. But the harm has already been done, it's already unstable. You're already unhappy, that is not stable. To make it more stable communicate and negotiate to fix this problem. If you can't fix it then, it's probably best not to be in the relationship, if you're not content that is. It seems selfish, but you live your own life, you should be happy in it, you should not live your life for your kid, unless that with itself makes you happy. Happy enough to live the rest of your life not loving your wife and being unhappy in the relationship, but not in the family.

In conclusion communicate and negotiate. That way you can try to mend this, if you want to. It's the best thing to do, if not decide will you live your life for this child? Will that make you happy? Will you keep trying to fix it?

I hope that helped, good luck with your relationship and have a wonderful day :)

Reply from COLDSNOWBUNNY on Jun 13 2014 at 14:21

I'm not surprised at her not wanting to have sex with you. People change, they grow. YOU don't think she is HOT, but you cant speak for every one and maybe she doesn't want to share her body with a person who doesn't think she's "hot".

Who initiates? Maybe she can sense your lack of desire and lack of initiation and it turns her off. Are you romantic at all? Do you ever try to make her feel like the most beautiful woman in the world? or do you just come to her ever few weeks to get off? Not a turn on.

Women need passion. They need to feel desired and beautiful. Your 3rd sentence to us already made it clear that you don't feel that. And then again "sex isn't that important to me" why not? because its a physical act of what you are suppose to be feeling in your heart? because it gives your partner a pleasure she is not suppose to be getting from any other person on the planet? hmm well may be you should make it important to you.

Reply from DOMINIC WILD (moderator) on Jun 13 2014 at 14:42

"Relationships seem to work best for the both of you when YOU are in charge." QSilver

This is wrong in a sense. You BOTH need to feel in charge, BOTH having an impact if it's one sided one party will ultimately be miserable.

I'd like to comment on a running trend here, which seems to be sex (and intimacy) is important and integral to all men and relationships in general. It's not to ALL relationships. If one party values the proposition of such actions, yes it will be important to an extent. But some people literally could care less, at how ever much intimacy they get. With this in mind, do not take the lessons from these stories as fact. Do not try to generalize them to your situation to a great degree. Each message comes from a very specific person's personality, experiences and lifestyle context. All these factors will not be mirrored in peoples situations. As such any application into your life may not be very valid or reliable. It can broaden your perspective to think about this issue in different lights. And if you have good reason to believe that the lesson portrayed can in fact portray to your situation it may, but don't count on it.

MEDLOCK, has a lot of valid points listed in her opinion. Which is basically exactly what I think some of the people above her do. Not all, but some.

I honestly think sex is a privilege really, that's taken very much for granted. It's become an expectation to be non-stop provided. When in reality, it doesn't need to be. It's a nice thing to have, but if you're relationship's entire basis is based off this, then do you really love your wife? Or do you just love the sex she provides? If you were happy with your wife, shouldn't her being the person she is, being happy within herself be enough? Shouldn't that make you happy just being with her? You fell in love with her personality right? Not her looks. There is no personality role in sex. Which means your like for that role has disappeared. Why? The reason you fell in love with them has disappeared in this regard, since their personality no longer satisfies making you happy. Which it should, for the entire duration of a marriage/life commitment with them. I feel that is what it should truly be about.

"rewarding your wife for disrespectful behavior" MARY. Disrespectful behavior? Please direct me to this disrespectful behavior? Are you talking about her "distancing" Herself? Not having constant sex? Do you call these disrespectful behaviors? Since they're the only behaviors evident in the OP's post. Not having sex, there's probably a reason for that, distancing herself, there's probably a reason for that too. But the OP hasn't discussed it yet. Therefore you cannot conclude her behavior is disrespectful in any way, shape or form. "I know now because I read about men" You can read about men, doesn't mean every man conforms to those sterotypes. Humans are a lot more complex than just being described simply by reading about them. We don't even fully understand ourselves, therefore generalizing facts you've read in a newspaper or internet article is as reliable as me saying right now, that all women sterotype men. I don't understand why you thought his wife is the bad guy here. In essence no one is the bad guy.

Whatsup's post identifies a clear problem with, that many people overlook when giving advice. I.e Information. Where there is lack of information someone will make up things to fill in gaps, otherwise known as assumptions. Which are unreliable.

That is my little rant here over. None of it was meant to be aggressive, sorry if it turned out that way.

Reply from DOMINICWILD (moderator) on Jun 13 2014 at 14:59

Now I shall respond to your most recent post Johnny.

Firstly, the argument of she must be depressed or tired or over-worked as the reason to not have sex doesn't hold much water, as you clearly pointed out. It's more down to the fact, that people change. The reason people change can be quite random and not even have a proper explanation. Perhaps she just got tired of it? Maybe she doesn't like the constant sex? Maybe she never liked it, it was as people have said in their stories here pity sex? Maybe she felt obliged to for a while and then stopped because she wasn't happy. That's a possibility. "If it worked before why won't it work again?" That's not how life works, people change is a perfect explanation for this. Maybe you liked apples when you were younger, now you hate them! Why? Who knows.

The burden is not only on her, but on both of you. You're in this relationship together, if the boats sinking and someone wants to stop it, then you try to. You insinuate that you've asked her, but you have never stated her explanation for why she does this? You imply it's masked behind "big words" and that maybe she should use "smaller ones" Question her if you don't understand something. If she doesn't understand how to even explain it then she's probably changed, as people tend to do, and sometimes you cannot explain those changes.

If she doesn't understand how you feel and you explain yourself clearly, but she doesn't take enough care to actually understand how you feel, then yes she is to blame. Same with you if you don't take enough care to understand how she feels by questioning her until you do. Unless she becomes rejectful and frustrated explaining herself, then that is again her fault. You both take equal responsibility for how the relationship turns out. You don't just shrug it off being "Oh, not my problem, I can't do anything to fix this." Unless it's a problem with effecting your partner only and it's about her feelings being out of control. Barr that situation any other thing should be able to be attempted to be solved, with some explanation to why or why not a solution cannot be reached.

Your right some women do. Not all however, I really don't think yours is one of those either.

Reply from KR on Jun 16 2014 at 08:25

I was once told "sex is not important to a relationship...unless you're not having it." Amen!

Reply from THE HIM THANG on Jun 24 2014 at 11:34

Hello my fello sexually frustrated brothers. I too have been denied sex. I have been married 9 years this week. I have noticed in my marriage that my wife is less and less sexually active. We communicate extremely well, and she has even admitted that she just doesn't have the desire to want sex anymore and that it has NOTHING to do with me. She admits that she is extremely attractive to me and finds me very sexy but just can't find the urge to having sex.we are seven months apart in age, she is 43 and i am 44. She has said in a joking manner that she wouldnt blame me for having sex with another. woman just don't fall in love in with her. She has said that a few times and i have to admit it came across my mind but i know me after doing something like that it goes against every belief system about being faithful. Im teaching our seven year old son certain things about respecting women and i cant be a hypocrate!! So i wont follow through on cheating. We have a very strong friendship as well as a marriage. Why she wont have sex? Your guess, her guess is as good as mine. I dont stress nor think about it. I dont ask because i get more rejection than acceptance. This may sound crude and my be a temporary solution, but try going to a porn site and taking care of your own bussiness. Thats of course if you are in the same situation. I have been in many relationships and read many books, women are lovingly complicated and have internal issues to begin with. Toying with sex and wanting them to comply is difficult. Just be patient as you can and bare with it. Then of course if they are having sex with soneone else or change the playing field then the choice on breaking your relationship is fair play.

Reply from SUSIEDQ on Jun 24 2014 at 13:42

I still think that taking the wife away for a romantic weekend, out for dinner & romantic evening is what could be offered.

The intention could be announced before:" We are going away for a romantic weekend. Let's make it exciting and special for just us. When do you want to plan this?"

If the wife declines this, at least you know where you stand in all this.

I think there's nothing wrong with saying "My wife has fallen out of love with me. I must move on to find love in my life."

Reply from CYKOFIEND on Aug 1 2014 at 02:12

Marriage is a cruel game...we are pawns for procreation and once our duties are done we're just space eaters...hell I've done everything sneak the kids out of the house so she can sleep in...planned dinners...made picnics for her and the girls and even poured chocolate down my pants. I'm not in the best of shape but neither is she...but regardless of not getting any physical contact I still find it in my heart to complement the crap out of her and actually mean it. it might be a lull or a side effect of her working nights...but as j5 scenario went I too have been offered a night o even day trip behind a store with a coworker whose hubby has lost that loving feeling...I've even joked with her (half serious) that we should swap. but this thing called a vow and two amazing children I want to very much help raise full time straighten me right up. once they are older her pretty little ass is mine!!!!!! so iguess the moral is hang tight and lube yourselves up.

Reply from NAOMI on Aug 23 2014 at 19:20

Johnny, do you suppose that your wife can feel it that you've never considered her to be "hot"? The fact that it's one of the first things you say about her concerns me. A woman who does not feel "hot" to her husband will lose interest in sex guaranteed. If she just senses you want sex to fill an urge, not because you lust after her and desire her specifically, she is going to feel poorly about herself. You men have NO IDEA how damaging it is to a woman when men are constantly bombarded with images of hot women everywhere, and therefore feels you did her a "favor" by marrying her because she wasn't hot herself.

Reply from NAOMI on Aug 23 2014 at 19:25

And, now, I'd like to give some general advice to the men out there...

Let me assure you of something. If your wife no longer gives you what you need, you are no longer giving her what she needs.

Generally, when men are looking for a relationship, they’re looking for a woman to have sex with, that they can hopefully talk to. Women are looking for someone to talk to, with whom they can have sex. Unlike men, who can see a strange woman in a thin blouse on a cold day and suddenly be “ready to go,” you need to give her a reason to want sex with you.

When you first started dating, and went out to dinner, I’ll bet you hung on her every word. You actually looked at her and listened. Smiled. I’m willing to wager that, now, when she’s talking to you, you’re staring at your plate as you shovel food in your mouth.

When you first started dating, were you happy and positive? Now that you’ve “got” her, has your attitude changed? Are you a complainer? (Not necessarily complaining about HER, but about life in general?) How often do you just look at her and smile, like you used to? What is your facial expression now?

I’m also willing to bet that, before, you used to touch her. Putting your hand on the small of her back to guide her through a crowd, your hand on her arm and a look of concern if she felt distressed about something, or simply brushing her hair away from her face. Touch her in public, in front of your friends, showing the world that “she is yours.” Do you only touch her now when you want sex? It’s these tiny little gestures that make women feel wanted and, therefore, turned on.

Some of you think, “If my wife isn’t going to give it to me, I’ll get it on the side.” Well, in order to get it from someone else, you are going to have to start from square one and pay attention to a woman like you originally did with your wife. If you’re going to go through the trouble, you might as well do it with the one you’ve got at home!

As for women “using sex” to ensnare you, this is simply your refusal to take any of the blame. Face it – if she’s no longer interested, you are no longer a panty-dropper. Sorry.

When you first met her, did you wear some sexy cologne? If you stopped, and now you just sit on the couch and fart… Not a panty-dropper.

Were you concerned with your appearance at one time? You trimmed any wild hairs, tucked your shirt in your pants, shaved? Does she now have to dodge your dangling nose hairs when she kisses you? Not a panty-dropper.

A woman does not have the sex drive a man does, which is just the way God designed them, for whatever reason. Perhaps because it’s nice to know who the Daddy is. For some women, sexual desire may be somewhat dormant, only to be reawakened by the loving gestures mentioned above. When you take away those loving little gestures, the desire goes dormant again. You have to keep putting a log on the fire to keep that flame burning.

I stopped wanting sex with my man for all of the reasons above, and then some. I am a woman who feels hornier than average, but my desire definitely went dormant for lack of attention. There came a point when my guy stopped holding my hand, stopped kissing me (aside from hello & goodbye, or kissing me back when I initiated it, but even then, there was no effort felt from it), started walking ahead of me when we went places, etc. He was unemployed, yet when I came home after a long day, I still had to cook. He was way too often negative (about not finding a job, about people he didn’t like, you name it) and, quite frankly, when a woman comes home tired, still has to cook and clean, and listen to her man bitch, and then at night he thinks you should be all hot to trot for him… Good luck with that!

Gentlemen, if you want to rekindle those feelings in your wife, take my advice. Trim your nose hair. Lose that paunch. LOOK at your wife. Put your hands on her – somewhere besides her ass or tits. Play with her hair. (That’s a BIG one!) Put your arms around her without making her feel you’re looking for a blow job. Smile!

These things will go a long way in getting her to desire you again.

Reply from NAOMI on Aug 23 2014 at 19:37

One last thing...

If you are already doing everything I've outlined above, yet your wife is still not interested, then you two are simply mismatched sexually and there's not a whole lot you can do about it.

Explain to her that you feel unfulfilled in your relationship and you genuinely would like to know what it is that's hindering her own desire so that you can be the man of her dreams once again. See if she will attend counseling with you. If she still blows you off, perhaps it is time to admit defeat and move on.

Reply from CA COUNSELOR on Aug 25 2014 at 06:09

There is a wonderful book that speaks to this thread: Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel. This may be of some support.


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