Author: Susan Coils
Published: Aug 17 2009
Unfortunately, far too many relationships break down without either partner being able to fully explain the problems that led them to such a heart wrenching decision. All too often the break up is blamed on the other partner having done something wrong, or not having done enough things right. But is this necessarily true? And if it is, why did they do something wrong or why did they not do what you thought they should?
Often, when your relationship is suffering, it is easier to look at the other partner as being the cause of the problem. Perhaps they don?t spend enough time with you, they prefer to be out with their mates, they don?t help out with the kids, they don?t help out with the budgeting, they don?t listen to what you have to say, they never want to ?do? anything as a couple, or maybe they?re off doing something with someone else?
The lists of seemingly small and insignificant behaviours often are the symptoms of relationship problems, and not the cause. For example, if your partner isn?t interested in spending time alone with you, then rather than blaming them for the increasing distance in your relationship, you need to consider their reason ?why?.
It?s worth remembering that nobody sets out to deliberately cause problems in their relationships, even those partners who end up being unfaithful didn?t begin their relationship planning to do so. So when problems do arise it?s important to refrain from casting blame on each other.
Instead focus your energies on discovering the cause of the problem. Begin by looking at yourself first, before you even think about asking your partner their views on the matter. While you may think the right thing to do is to begin by opening up the doors of communication and discussing your problems in an open and honest manner, you?ll find this much easier to do once you have set the matter clear in your own mind.
This not only helps you to understand the part you play in any problems your relationship is going through, but it also helps you to see how things look from the other side. And being able to see through your partner?s eyes is a great help when it comes to communicating. It?ll prevent any discussions from being simply ?blame? talks.
It also needs to be understood that you can?t find out the cause of your problems alone. Just as it takes two people to make a relationship work, it takes two to break it apart. And once you have looked honestly at your own part, your partner needs to do the same. Again, they need to do this on their own. If you start discussing problems together before both of you have worked out your own issues individually, then undoubtedly one will end up influencing the other as to what lies at the root of your problems.
Only when you both have a clear understanding of your part in the relationship, should you sit down together and look at where the relationship is going wrong for both of you.
Understanding the cause of relationship problems is essential if you are to have any chance of correcting them. Otherwise, the tendency is simply to discuss the symptoms and even though you both may try to alleviate those symptoms, they will just keep resurfacing until you find out what is causing them in the first place.
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