Author: Michael Andrews
Published: Mar 8 2012
Is your spouse or partner no longer interested in having sex with you? Perhaps they are occasionally, but it's nowhere near enough for you? You're not alone. A mismatched libido is one of the most common areas of stress in relationships and marriages and it is something that causes a great deal of anguish for both parties.
The statistics on low libido in relationships are almost frightening. Surveys have shown that up to forty percent of men and fifty percent of women suffer from low sexual desire. 'Sexless marriages' (defined as being where the couple have sex fewer than ten times a year) comprise up to a third of all marriages. And with divorce rates running at more than sixty percent of all first marriages (higher for second and third marriages), and sexual problems being a major factor in many of those breakups, you might be forgiven for thinking, "Do many people have a happy sexual relationship?".
The answer to that question, based on the statistics, is "probably not". However, there is good news. Firstly, if you don't have the sex in your relationship that you really want then you are certainly not alone. But the better news is: it's not only possible, but very achievable, to create a sexual relationship full of passion and excitement and which only gets better with time. You just need to know what to do.
There are some couples out there who have remarkably happy sex lives, even after having been together for years. They still seem crazy about each other. Is it just luck or are they doing something different to the rest of us? The truth is that couples with great sex lives that don't go stale do indeed do different things to the rest of us, and that's why they get different results. By doing what they do, it's very possible to recreate the same results in your own marriage or relationship.
What are the causes of low libido in a relationship? Many couples experience a situation where things were great early on in their relationship or marriage. There was lots of sex, passion and excitement. However, as the relationship matures the passion seems to wane and different levels of desire seem to emerge. It can gradually get to the stage where sex become virtually non-existent, leaving at least one of the partners very unhappy. From there it's only a step to affairs, guilt and divorce, all with heartbreak attached. This certainly isn't what either person intended.
So what went wrong? Most people look for reasons and the most common given are the stresses caused by the onset of children, other pressures such as finance and career, lack of time, and even changes in hormones. But the truth is that there are couples who deal with all the same sorts of issues but who manage to keep the passion alive. Why is that? It's because all of these 'reasons' are generally symptoms rather than the true cause of an unsatisfying sexual relationship. And if you are going to solve the problem you need to deal with the underlying causes. It is very much like repairing a cracked wall in a house; you can "paper over the cracks" or deal with the rotting foundations before the house falls down!
If your partner is no longer interested in sex, or you are not getting the sex you need to satisfy you, the first thing to do is to make sure you don't blame yourself or your partner. It is not the fault of either of you. Accept it as an issue that can and must be solved and then go about seeking a solution.
Also, don't merely resign yourself to accepting the situation. A highly active sex life is the normal, healthy state for all adults. If you are not getting what you want and need you will never be happy and happiness is what life is all about!
The key to getting your partner interested in sex again is to look back to the early days of your relationship. Generally those times are sexually fun and exciting. However, what happens over time is that we stop doing the things that we did then that made it fun and exciting - and so of course things wane.
Ask yourself these questions:
- What did my partner and I used to do for each other that made us both feel loved and appreciated?
- How much of a priority was our relationship and spending time together then?
- How much laughter, sharing and consideration was there then?
- How much attention did I give my partner then?
By answering these questions you will begin to identify the things you used to do - and that you no longer do - that made you and your partner feel special and attractive for one another. It may sound simple, but all you need to do to begin rebuilding the sexual passion in your relationship is to start doing those things that created it in the first place!
Think about what you could do and start doing it. Don't begin with a sexual outcome in mind but just concentrate on making your relationship the most important thing in your life again. You might just be thrilled with the results!
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