Should I move out without my parents permission or just stick it through?
Hey so I'm really desperate and looking for answers.
I'm 21 about to be 22 and I'm still in college finishing my last year of pre-reqs before I head off to my program which I have yet to be accepted into or applied for yet. I lived away from home for 3 years and in that time period experienced really intense depression due to realizing I wasn't cut out for my dream major in medicine so I went crazy and partied all the time and sadly I was sexually abused which led to a huge spiral and my first attempt at suicide. A year later I was arrested and another year later I moved off campus and to an apartment where I got a job and became so invested in that, that I skipped all my classes and nearly flunked out. Thats when my parents yanked me back home
My parents are immigrants with strict but helpful tactics to get me to graduate and it worked the first semester but depression set in again and I attempted suicide again. I was always the black sheep of the family getting into trouble and acting too American with my emotions so my parents just chalked up my moodiness to the fact that I just really hate living at home but I don't want to be dramatic or ungrateful because I truly hate that I act this way but I can't help it.
Lately I've picked up self harm and attempted another 2 times but I've been able to stay motivated because of the support my boyfriend gives me. With him, I see a future and when I come home I feel trapped, incompetent and like I'll die young. I honestly feel so ashamed but I just want to experience life. I spent so long unhappy and hating myself for what happened to me and I finally meet someone who makes me feel differently and I'm stuck at home with my parents. It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't so boring. First of all I commute to school everyday 2 hours there and back. I have a curfew for 8pm...my last class ends at 6pm. I'm not allowed out on weekends. I'm not allowed to go out with my boyfriend or friends. Typical entertainment is spent watching netflix. Life seems so stagnant compared to when I was at school hiking and camping and just being active. I know I sound spoiled I just feel like I'm in a rut. Plus my obvious self harm scars, mood swings and suicide attempts are labeled as being dramatic and spoiled.
My plan was to move in with my boyfriend and become a CNA in the mean time while I start applying for nursing schools for next year. My parents want me to get accepted and graduate first before I leave. I would literally rather be homeless and independent than feel as emotionless and empty as I do being supported by them. Am I being ungrateful? I brought up the idea to my mom and she told me I'm not allowed to even be thinking about that but I've developed terrible insomnia, stomach pain and increased suicidal feelings because I can't spend another summer living here and wanting to die. What should I do?? Sorry for the long sob story I would really appreciate some advice though! Thank you
Hi, sounds like you've been through a lot. It looks as though you need an interpreter between you and your parents, have you looked into getting family counselling? Bear in mind your parents are genuinely looking out for your best interests, and also being older, they're taking the long view, what's a few months of boring study compared to a qualification and another step on the road to a rewarding career, etc. Be patient with them, and with yourself, too. "The trick is to keep breathing "
Thank you so much for the reply! My parents think counseling is too American which is funny because we have lived here for over 15 years and they seem to have assimilated very well They were divorced for those 15 years we first came to America so I'm adjusting to having them together as parents and its really draining but you're right about being patient. It's annoying because I'm done studying I've finished the main part and the next step is to attend nursing school which is already 3+ hours away at which point they have said that I am allowed to officially move out then but I really don't want to spend another summer doing nothing but working every day and watching netflix. I'd rather get out now claim some independence and live my life especially if I'm going to be moving out anyways.
I agree with the others. Your parents are just looking out for you, but bear with me for a bit. You say that you are the black sheep of the family. Is that your parents or your view? No matter what. This is a view that you yourself should never accept. Once accepted, it will never be enough what you do, because to prove yourself you will always have to do more.
You really need to work hard on your self worth (just do a google search) and I hate to say it, stop waisting all your time on movies. Most movies play on your emotions and that is the worst place for your focus to be until you are a pretty stable solid person.
Try to focus on now. Do all the credible exercises you can find about how to build self worth from the very start. Write down anything that is playing in your head before sleep. It is a massive amount of workbut it is just like running; The more you train, the better you get.
You can even let your parents in on your journey. They might relax more if they can see you trying to get better. They might even start to understand you better too if you are lucky. And I hope you are lucky. And I hope you start loving yourself soon.
I think it may be a mistake to move in with your boyfriend. I think you have to get yourself together first and work on you before you take that step. Your parents may think they can tell you what to do or control you because they are still supporting you. School is expensive and if they think you are out there wasting their money then they are going to fill some type of way. (assuming they paid for you to go to school).
Your only 22 and that's too young to have already had several suicide attempts you still have a lot of life to live. In your defense adjusting to home life after being on your own for a couple years, partying and making your own decisions can be challenging ill give you that. It sound like you have a issues with self worth and self esteem and once you address that things will turn around for you. I recommend that you pray and also look up focus groups or talk to a counselor to help you with all this.
I appreciate all of your responses its really helped with my decision! I've decided to move out and my mom has chosen to pretend I don't exist and my dad isn't in the country but he's livid. But i feel so free plus I've already applied and gotten a job within my career interest, I'm already talking to prospective colleges about entrance their program. Its only been a couple of days and I'm not even out of the house yet but I feel so much more motivated to get my life going.
My parents want a formal sit down and I'm not sure what they're going to do I don't see the point of continuing to punish me. At some point i'm going to have to start making my own decisions and dealing with the mistakes on my own.
Living with my boyfriend may seem like a bad idea and maybe it is but for now I have a place to stay, a car and incredible support from someone who is also in school. I think together we've motivated each other rather than scolded each other until we feel incompetent because we didn't get an A on a test.
I realize that my parents just want me to graduate and will guide me towards success and my previous mistakes worry them. Me moving out or staying will end up with me entering my program this fall. I feel like me staying will not prepare me for the real world because my parents are very protective. However if I move out now I can learn to be more accountable and independent without having to use my parents as a crutch. I see no harm on getting started in starting my own life now rather than spend another summer being treated like I'm incompetent.
But then again that's from my point of view and I know my parents will never accept it but I feel like at the end of the day your life is your life and the decisions you make may seem like a mistake to others but I know deep down that living at home is making me regress socially and mentally.I really want to get my life started and I may seem impatient but I think that if everyone waited to get their ducks in a row you wouldn't always accomplish anything. I think patience was key when I was still an undergrad but now that i'm entering my program and I have such a hunger to start my own life away from my parents I should go at it full blast.
Don't see your issues so black and white. You don't need to cut off your parents because you want to express some independence.
Meet with your parents IF it's in front of a family counselor to mediate the conversation.
Sounds like BOTH sides need to learn how to let other's live their own lives.