Need relationship advice, 3rd person problem, what should i do?
Its been 6years that me and my boyfriend are in a long distance relationship.we are 21yr old.We were very happy together.We always understood and cared for each other.
We had some small relationship problems from before,some of the matters became unbearable for me and he said he would fix it with time but i always felt that it cant be fixed. So our relation was struggling already but we still loved to be with eachother. (Problems like...i always felt that...he never steps up as THE BF when its needed. He is less bf type more like a bestie and sometimes very careless. Also i myself like to stay groomed and i am always forward looking in fashion field but not to the extreme level..whereas my bf never cared even a little bit about being trendy and being groomed. It became a very serious issue for me. I feel we are so much incompatible in this regard. He doesnt even acknowledge basic casual style sense)
A year back i met this man at a party. I had a small crush on him and my bf knows about it . I dont know why I had crush on him..its not like he is more charming in the areas where my bf lacks(i am being extremely realistic and open)Even when my bf had crushes on girls he would tell me about it. We shared each and everything. And i mean it when i say each and everything. We were inseparable. I started talking with the man casually.he flirted at times and i flirted back with my bf's consent and was very curious about the man because he expressed so less and was very hideous.He at times tried to approach me indirectly but i never allowed eventhough flirting was there. He did not know i had a bf and i hid it from him, because of some family issues.My bf stopped being ok about me talking to the man because he felt that problems may arise and i also felt the same. I used to cry and take my bfs shelter late at nights because i felt something is wrong.But we never did anything about it as we underestimated the outcome since we always felt that nothing can separate us. Slowly i started having soft feelings for the man but i never allowed him to come close.And i am very much sure that i never lost any feeling for my bf.i loved him with all my heart.
Things in my relation became worse and we decided to stay apart for some time to work on our individual selves and be back together. There would not be any committment in the mean time but we would keep contact. He agreed and pushed me hard away from him and hurt me emotionally. He expressed he moved on. But later i came to know that he never really moved on.He lied.
In the mean time since I felt he left me and I became mentally disturbed and very much hurt and angry, I allowed the man to be physically close with me. Then the man poured out all his feelings infront of me that he hid for so long and i realised he is immensely in love with me. The same kind of love me and my boyfriend had.hence i could feel that mans feelings as if they are mine.
I was always honest with my bf so i told him about this also. He always had knowledge of all the happenings. For my bf physical intimacy is a big deal and he worships the fact of me being close with ONLY him. The news devastated him.He says he cant accept me anymore. He is being very rigid. He asked me to either stop everything immediately and be fully committed to him or move on.The man lives in another country and has such strong feelings that he even want to travel countries and meet me inspite of financial problems.
I want to be with my bf and end all other things but the only thing thats pulling me back is empathy for the other man. I care for him immensely and i want all the happiness for him.I even tried to end it a few times but that man feels devastated everytime. And i cant compromise either of the two persons' happiness.That man has never been in love before and i am his first love.He wants to committ to me fully and probably he has already committed.
so i asked for a few months time from my bf to take care of the guy and leave the man in a good state with less pain.The man will soon be tied in arranged marriage anyway.We have no future.But i just wanna ensure his happiness and then leave and be happy in my own relation where i am the most satisfied.
When i am close with the man all i feel is guilty and my bf is in my mind all the time.Every time the man touches me it stabs my soul but sexual excitement is there. What i feel with my bf is divine as compared to what i feel with the man. I could never accept the man as my partner from heart. I feel my bf is my true soulmate.
But i am not allowed any time to rectify the situation and help the man.
PS : Being physically close to the man and evetything else is over msgs and calls. Nothing in person. Because the man lives in another country.its an online affair.
I told my bf everything as and when it happened. I never hid a single detail. He knew it all every moment.And he suffered and hid his true feelings. He never stopped me. I never stopped. And the problem arose wholly because of our immaturity to evaluate the situation.
So, it doesnt feel ok to give up for such an issue. This is my point of view. I dont want to give up.
So what should i do in this situation ? My bf wont give me time and my moral and soft corner for the man wont let me end everything immediately. Should i ask my bf to move on ? But i cant imagine my future without my bf right now. It feels like he is everything for me.
Also he is my first bf and i have never been with other men and always strongly wanted to try singlehood.
What should i choose ? Being single , my bf , or a short relation with the other guy ?
First of all I am no expert in relationships...I've been with two girls and they both cheated on me...actually I was in a realationship for over a year and last week she cheated and sent me pictures with him but anyway this is quite a tricky situation and all I can say is if you think hard enough you will know who you really want to be with...you shouldn't choose your boyfriend for the reason that you can actually see him in person...if you really love the other man you must tell your boyfriend and break it off...distance will not matter but it is important that you do this as quickly as possible as to not hurt to feelings to much of either your boyfriend or the other man...hope this helps and keep me updated if you wish to do so
I vote for being single.
You have been occupied since age 15!! Time to live on your own and find yourself, first. Then bring men into your life. But make it a man who is present for you physcially and emotionally. No more long distance relationships!