Wife wants a baby but I'm not sure (same sex couple)
I've been with my wife for 8 years and married for two. At the very start of our relationship I really wanted kids and she didn't want any. As time has gone on, I've realised that although I'd still love to adopt and foster children, I don't necessarily feel comfortable creating a child using donor sperm. This is down to a few reasons, such as:
the world already being overpopulated
the child either not knowing their father (anonymous donor)
or having a weird relationship with him (known donor)
my family being unaccepting of us having kids
the potential legal issues
Now the years have gone by, she is desperate to have kids and wants to birth at least one. It's become a really strong biological urge for her (she's 26) and she thinks about it constantly.
I thought I'd always made it clear about my position, although we haven't discussed it in detail for a while. I had been becoming more open to the idea of it over the past few months, such as deciding I could live with the overpopulation issue, although the others still bothered me.
Last week, it came up during a car journey that I had been reading accounts of donor children and how unhappy they were about their relationships with their bio fathers, and that I was still really struggling with the idea of us creating a child that way.
This triggered a massive argument, and she kept repeating that she would be upset about it for 'a long time'. I thought she meant the argument but it turned out she seems to think I've made some big new announcement, even though I've told her I have all of these doubts before. She's now heavily implying that she doesn't know how we can move past this as we have fundamentally different life goals now (her to birth a child, me not wanting that).
Ever since then even the smallest thing can trigger an argument and it always seems to be my fault. An hour later and she's back to acting totally normal with me. I've found myself being really cold towards her when this happens because I am scared and upset about where our relationship is heading. (I am autistic and can struggle to process big emotions and arguments sometimes)
I love her so much and I would really love to raise a family with her. But she wants to have a biological child and I'm so scared that will end our relationship for good.
I guess just any general advice appreciated.
Shouldn't have to say it I hope but, if you don't think same sex couples should raise kids at all, then you're entitled to your opinion but don't bother commenting as it's not helpful in any way.
I understand your stance on this issue. Obviously this is something your wife just won't let go. Have you sought counseling about this?
I suggest counseling ASAP about this game changing issue.
I have a feeling about the "other issues" that bother you, including one that you may not want to face: there sill be a donor father, someone you might perceive as an "intruder" in your relationship.