My marriage over... and I refuse to accept it
Two years ago I gave birth. Before my birth I wasn't exactly the thinnest person but during pregnancy and after I gained some considerable weight of 15 kilos. I was aware of it but for a year after the birth I was upset with myself because I became completely disinterested in sex.
My husband had no patience with me and my problem and after 3-4 months after the birth I forced myself to have sex with him to make him happy. I hated every minute of it and hated myself more and more. I ate more to compensate for my happiness. I finally withdrew from him, physically and mentally and the sex stopped.
Arguements flared up and continue at least every week. Even in front of our child. I feel terrible about it. My husband became more vicious with his arguement and some weeks ago in an arguement flare up he attacked my weight and named called me about it in front of my son. He told me in a few words he will have a affair and when i said I would rather find a more supportive man he said I could never find one with the body I have. All this in front of our child.
For the last 2 months I have been living in a shell. I no longer feel comfortable to change in front of him, his touch just sends me shivers. Every week he tries to be initimate with me and I pull away. I have tried to explain my feelings to him and how much he hurt me but even though he apologizes I know it's not genuine.
I don't want our marriage to be over by I lost my trust in him. I know if I give him what he wants, he will go back to his old ways and insult me again. I think I am only with him because of our child. I am not even attracted to him anymore and I think I only have feelings for him because he is the father of our child. Financially I'd be ruined if I left my husband.
I sometimes think I should stay with him, give him what he wants and just ignore his verbal abuse. My child is my number one priority and I am stuck not knowing what to do.
I’m so sorry you are going through a difficult time. As PP said, you possibly have/had postpartum depression. If you have not already done so, please talk to your doctor, and counseling is beneficial, too. I hope you have a close friend or family member to support you as this is crucial. I’m praying that you get the right help soon.