What kind of person am I?
New member here just looking for a place to verbalize what's been on my mind for a few years now. Hopefully I won't ramble for too long.
I was in an emotional abusive relationship before and I too did and said hurtful things to that partner. I finally had the strength to break up with them (him) but I had started having feelings for their best friend but it was just that at the time. I actually knew the best friend longer than my ex.
Anyway, mutual friends started to get a vibe from us where we would be extra chummy and confronted us about telling my ex/his best friend but we didn't even know ourselves if we wanted a relationship. They kept on pressuring us so I got frustrated and called the ex randomly saying we needed to talk. The 3 of us talked for abit, the ex cried for the rest of the day then the next day I was accused of ambushing the ex. I tried to talk to the ex alone but he added his friends and they all dragged me and threw things that he told them about concerning our relationship. He would act all nice with people but I knew the truth about his character however there were good parts to his personality.
A year passed and me and the guy decided to make it official,thing is his parents did not approve of our relationship because he gave up his friendship for me. In any case the beginning of our relationship was rocky because of me, I was always on the defensive and I let him know that I would never allow another guy to hurt and mistreat me which he didn't do but I couldn't see it and because of this he broke up with me a few times. While all of this is going on I still had other pressures in my life e.g broken family, verbally abusive parent, lack of self worth felt like a failure at life so when he broke up with me again I just wanted everything to end and I tried to commit suicide (i didn't tell him i was i just said "i don't want to be here anymore and cut him off") he found his way to my house and stopped me. At the time i honestly felt like that was the last straw of my life, everything was failing. His parents found out and were extremely upset.
Him, me, my mom and his parents had a talk about it. His parents told us how disappointed they were in him for not telling them about my attempt. I tried to tell them what was going on with me but they basically told me that there are people out there with worse problems that I did. They didn't even try to listen to the other things that brought me to that point. They told me that I was a lovely person etc but when I left and they asked him what will he do about me and he said he'll stay with me they went crazy. I was called a toxic, controlling and manipulative person and people like me (still not sure what that means) are incapable of change. Those words sent me into depressive moods but I got some help from a counselor by then we had broken up but we stayed friends.
A year later one of the same mutual friends from before sexually assaulted me while i was drunk and has denied doing it, he even went as far as throwing things from both relationships in my face to show people that i was a liar and a terrible person. My new current ex was at the parent, confronted him but the other guests parted them. My ex took me to the hospital to get checked up. His father upon finding out raced to the hospital just to tell his son NOT to tell the police that he knew anything and not to give them a statement. This is the level to which these people hate me now, they showed me no empathy and continue to berate me until this day. I can't help but think that I deserve all of this, for having feelings for an ex's best friend because (bros before hoes right). He still wants to be with me and marry me but he has to lie to them to see me. I wanted to go and apologize for hurting them (his parents) in the future but i don't think they will accept me even over time. Some friends have tried to tell me that i followed my heart and that i'm a good person and people do make mistakes but i find myself doubting that alot. I would like to know what strangers think. Btw he's 32 and i'm 27.
Thank you for replying. I guess I've stayed for a few reasons; feeling guilty that I caused long life relationships to end and a family to hate me to then leave him after basically destroying his life fills me with guilt. I do care and love him and he is truly a genuinely good person who as also stuck by me through other challenges. He has convinced me that once we are both more financially stable that we could start over and if his family still isn't happy with me that he'd remove them from his life as well which again causes me to feel guilty since he's close with them. I feel terrible and trapped either way.
I have tried not to give friends such power but it only works for a limited time. They were mostly his friends (became mutual after I started hanging out with them) that he'd vent to which has just painted me as a horrible person in both relationships (ex and current) and that hurts. I'm a very sensitive person and that has been my downfall.
My old counselor has helped me be more independent and to recognize that I am not my mistakes however because he is still in my life I can't help but panic about his parents while I've only had one session so far with my new counselor but that is more geared towards me dealing with my assault. ;-(