I'm stuck at this guilty yet tortured feeling
Couple of years ago, i was having a girlfriend. This sweet angel is one of my best childhood friend. When i was around 9-10 years old, me and my parents moved to a new house quite far from the previous one. Thus made me got separated from her and we didn't try to contact each other over a years.
Then finally when i was 15 years old, somehow i got the chance to meet her again. I was so happy and we continue our friendship once more. Days after days, we got more close to each other. Finally i brave myself to confess my feeling to her, surprisingly she accepted me as her boyfriend. To be able to reunite with her after was already a dream come true, to be able to be her boyfriend was a miracle come true.
I'll just skip to the problem. Seems like our relationship wasn't quite nice like i expected. I have a big problem on me, i know i shouldn't made her as my girlfriend at the first place. I have lied to her and hurt her feelings too many times. And finally we broke up. At first, i was really sad but i know this is what's the best for her. I'm always trying to prioritize her happiness. After that day, she hated me more than anything and didn't even want to speak to me. I tried to accept it because i know i deserved it.
4 years later, i tried to contact her. I told her, that i just want to continue our friendship. For i'm sure everyone know that losing one of best childhood friends is close to nightmare. I told her, i won't bother her more than i should, i just want her to forgive me and be friends with me again. But seems like the old hatred from past years is still in her heart. She rejected my friendship offer. I tried to reason with her and convinced her that i won't bother her more than i should. But she closed the gate right at my face.
Now each day, when i remembered her, i feel really sad and guilty to her. The sadness from i can't even be with her again and the guilty from i can't even try to repay all of my mistakes to her. The main reason why i want to be her friends again, is for trying to repay all of my mistakes to her. I want to be a person who can help her every time she has some sort of problems. But she rejected all of that.
I don't know what to do anymore. Did i really deserve to stuck in this tortured feeling forever? Please give some thought, guys. If i really deserve this kind of treatment, i will accept it and hopefully this can repay some of my mistakes.
Why do you think this girl is hanging on to bad feelings from WHEN YOU TWO WERE 15? (I am assuming you are now 19-20)