Hey Peoplesproblems. It's been a while since I needed feedback on anything, but I find myself suddenly in a position tonight where I could definitely use some advice.
So I (28 year old male) have been in the online dating game off and on for almost 2 years now. All this year so far I have been single, and hadn't been having much luck on the website. But then I managed to find a couple of people who seem like they could be what I'm looking for in a partner, and have been keeping in contact with them.
For about a month I've been talking to the first girl, we'll call her 'A'.
A: She lives 2 hours away, which is still kind of a drive, but better than the 4 hours another person I talked to lives from me. A is busy a lot with work certifications. I like that A is a good girl, she seems very sweet and trustworthy, something that means a lot to me in a partner. But I noticed her messages became like one-sentence responses each day, (she is busy anyway, but it's kind of hard to keep up conversations when the other person doesn't add a lot to them.) and I wonder if she might be too boring for me. She is younger than me at 23.
One week ago I started talking to the second girl. We'll call her R.
R: R has a lot in her favor. For starters, she is incredibly attractive. She lives a couple of minutes from me. And we have already progressed to the texting stage and are planning a date. We text most of the night back and forth when we have free time now. R is also more physically active than me, which on the one hand might make her out of my league, but on the other makes it so that she is someone that could potentially challenge me, and help me strive to improve and stay healthy. She has also been married and divorced like me, and like me moved to another state for a relationship that didn't work out.
But R also has her fair share of negatives, for as much as she is winning. For starters she is older than me, at 33. This isn't a huge issue to me, but I was hoping to enter into a relationship with someone a bit younger or about the same age. We talked on the phone, and I felt like it was ended too quickly to really have enough of a conversation, and she didn't give me enough 'windows' to speak, the convo moved on quick. I feel like R is maybe not as deep as I would hope for in a partner, though this may be partly from her lacking the energy for it from work and physical activity. I have also started to question if she is completely honest about everything, or if she is serious about pursuing something with me.
I saw that R had just logged off of the dating website around the same time we had stopped texting over the phone for the night, which means she might have been talking to other people while we've been talking and getting closer through conversations. She could be talking to lots of other people, and might see me as a good laugh.
Then again, I don't know why she was on, and I am not casting too much judgment at the moment because I still login occasionally. It's not like R and myself are an item yet, but it's worth considering the possibility she might not be the exclusive type.
But here's where the complication comes in:
Tonight I logged into the dating website and A had messaged me. She wanted to know if we could exchange phone numbers and text.
I haven't answered yet, because I don't know what my answer is, or how to say it.
I realize I couldn't practically keep in touch with two women over text at the same time and give them both enough attention. Part of me wants to say yes to A, part of me wants to be straightforward with her and explain that I am texting one of the other people there, who I haven't been talking to for as long. At the same time, I want to come right out and ask her why she wants to exchange numbers now, when up until a couple of days ago I would respond to her each day and put thought into my responses. I feel like she is only trying to talk to me now because she realizes she could lose me. At the same time, maybe I didn't give her enough time to feel comfortable with asking to text.
I don't know what to do. I can't leave A hanging forever, I need to respond. But I don't know how things will work out with R yet. I'm afraid of telling A I am texting R because history tells me I will then lose my chance with her, and then I am worried things won't work out with R and I will be back to having nobody, and lose two people. And I am so tired of being lonely and sad - I want to make changes in my life and be with someone new.
What is your advice?
Yo Altreal, your post tells us that you analyze everything to bits when you should be using that energy to grab an opportunity to get to know one or both of these woman. What do you expect from the online dating community when it basically just introduces you to people who you may develop a relationship with? You read too much into their online actions when you should be talking to them face to face.
There's only one way to get to know them and that's meet them and the only way that will happen is if you take the steps to make it happen...and heads up, none of us guys have been successful at juggling two women at once, although a hell of a lot of us have tried!
Please realize that all this on -line stuff and texting is the FIRST step in making that FIRST step in meeting someone and finding out face-to-face if there's a chance that there could be another step.
You have put an immensse amount of energy into setting the stage. So NOW what?
These women will expect you to move forward now. Introductions are done. Time to act.
Don't let them get bored because you stay in this first step.
Thanks for the responses you two, I did read them the other day and took them into account. You're right, it's more or less a matter of getting to know both of these people better right now. I guess I am still stuck trying to decide which choice is the right one, but maybe the simple fact of the matter is I need a lot more information about both of them.
Since my first post I went on a (spur of the moment!) date with R. It, I guess went fairly well, she seemed quite nice. She seems far from being "not deep" like I kind of worried earlier, I think her personality while texting is just less analytical. We have another date tomorrow night, so I hope that goes even better.
I am not just giving up on A, though. Since the other day I decided to take her up on her offer to exchange phone numbers and text. Our texting has still not gotten anywhere really deep, and I feel like I struggle sometimes to talk about things with her. But I mean, it would be totally unfair to give up on her when we have been in contact longer, and she still has a lot of qualities that I admire in a potential partner. The other day I wanted to talk to her over the phone, but she was busy hanging out with a friend which I guess she does every Monday. I know her work schedule will be more open in about a month, so I'm holding out until then to see if we can make plans.
Right now the thing I keep telling myself is to take my time with this, and not rush anything. I'm not even sure if things will work out with either girl, but I am remaining optimistic.
And why do you think that TEXTING is any way to really get to know another person.
Unless you come out from behind that screen, you aren't going to really get to know anyone.
I suggest that you casually date a lot. You need to improve your people skills, buddy, and not be such a screen-face!
Hey SusieDQQ. Well first off I want to say I appreciate your feedback, I know you (as well as Manalone and a few others) are someone who gives feedback frequently around here. I am taking your new response into account, but I'm not sure if I provided enough details of my situation. I'll elaborate:
So first of all, I don't think texting is a long-term way to get to know someone, but I think it can be part of the overall experience of getting to know someone. Whether right or wrong, I usually take what people say at 'font' value, until they give me some reason not to believe them. It never stays just texting if I am dating someone, usually it's a mix of texting, calling, and face-to-face if it gets that far.
I turned to online dating because I don't know where to go to meet women, let alone women who are interested in the same things as me, who fit the kind of general lifestyle I want in a partner and who have the physical traits I appreciate. Unfortunately most of the women around my age near where I live do not listen to the same kinds of music as me, and many of them are unwilling to associate with me because... I don't know why, maybe because modern women value physical traits I don't have, or they think I'm boring.
My intent was never to "stay behind the screen". I went on a date with 'R'. I've been on dates with 4 different ladies total from the online dating website I have a profile on, in the last nearly 2 years.
Off of the Internet I tried getting to know a few girls. I had a major crush on a coworker and pursued her, only to have her tell me she felt nothing for me and start dating some other guy. There was a girl that worked at my local laundromat who I tried getting to know, but after talking to her twice I discovered she seemed crazy, and she acted sort of nonchalant about whether we did or didn't talk to begin with. If anything, it's not that I'm not trying, it's that the women around here seem.....Odd. Really odd. And I feel like maybe that's just how most people are anymore.
Casually date....Yeah, you make it sound so simple. That is what I am trying to do, to go on dates. But it takes a TREMENDOUS amount of effort just to get a girl to agree to go on a date. I don't think it is hard at all for a woman to get a date these days, but for us men....we don't have many options.
On a related note, I have approached this thing different ways. I have tried looking for people for serious and not-so-serious encounters alike. I just get the impression that, once you're an outsider, you're always an outsider.