I gave my son up for adoption in my youth: considering contacting, feel shame
WHOAMI - May 10 2017 at 08:07
When I was approximately the age my son is now, 24, I got a real nice Morman girl pregnant. I did not want a kid, and refused to have anything to do with the pregnancy. As the pregnancy progressed she developed a relationship with her co-worker who I ran into at a bar one night towards the end of the pregnancy. We had words and out of no where I 'told him if he was not going to be there for the kid then I would' and I said that in front of a table of his peers. (Those are the best words I think I have ever said) Honestly I'm not sure I meant it, but in the end I think I would have done the right thing. Anyway long story short they married and now have three kids and look happy on her facebook page.
They asked me to give my son up for adoption shortly after birth and I did, and now I want resolution because it bothers me not knowing. I'm scared, I have no kids of my own and just don't know how to make contact. If he doesn't know, I feel I should be the one who initiates telling him. I feel it would be much worse on him if he found out some other way. If I thought he could go through his entire life not knowing he was adopted, I might not consider making contact, but that is impossible, right?
I have felt ashamed my whole adult life and feel it has affected my relationships. I'm currently middle aged and still have not resolved this issue in my life and desperately want to. I have found her on fb and I feel I'm going to do it. Should I just say to the biological mom that I want what is best for my son and that I'm okay with whatever she wants, but that I would like him to know? That is so hard for me to write because of the huge ramifications it will have on my life and most likely on his life too.
Should I do it? Has anyone been in this situation? Could I have a meaningful relationship with my son? Could he forgive me? I feel so ashamed, but I think it was the best thing for my son at the time. Thank you all. God Bless.
As an adopted person myself(having known about it since a young age)and bought by good people whom I considered my Mum and Dad, I always wondered who my real parents were. My birth mother contacted me when I was in my late 30s and there were no recriminations or hard feelings when we met, only happiness and the feeling of being complete and somewhat reunited. She gave me up in difficult ans similar circumstances to yours and thought it was the best for me at that time and to be frank, after we met, there was nothing to forgive simply because there was no need to.
In your situation, you need to give your 24 year old son, a consenting adult, the opportunity to meet you, but the decision will ultimately be his just as it was mine. Respectfully, you need to contact his mother first and take it from there.
I'm so happy I found Peoplesproblems and very thankful to MANALONE for sharing it is exactly what I needed to hear. To answer SUSEIDQQ: he was raised by his bio-mom and step father who has been there his whole life.
Thank you BUNNYHABIT that is great advice. I am trying to make contact now.
(Excellent thread, folks!)
WhoAmI - please let us know how it goes?
I think, well. You've obviously matured a lot and now have the right attitude. :-)