Married, distressed, and quickly breaking
My husband and I married less than a year ago. He was my best friend and everything I could ever ask for in a man. I'd known him 7 years prior and felt I knew him well. There's a significantly large age gap between us and because of the gap and because he was divorced prior, our relationship didn't sit well with others. One man in particular attempted to talk me out of marrying him and told me that he'd never be satisfied with me. I didn't believe it and I married him anyway. A couple weeks after we married I began to realize he was a more serious and gruff man than I'd ever realized. I felt like he was married to his job rather than me. Even at an early stage in our marriage I was putting in more effort for love and affection than he was giving. I began to feel an emotional distance from him. I thought maybe it was in my head and that I was just needy but it was a nagging feeling that I couldn't ignore. Two months passed and he asked me to clear out his old phone so we could send it back to Sprint. I was curious and snooped out his old text messages with women he'd flirted with and one who he'd had an affair with. This turned out to be a crushing blow to my system. If they were old it wouldn't have bothered me, but not only was he a total flirt but he had been making sexual suggestions to some of them while we were involved and while he was telling me he loved me. I couldn't help but feel like this put a question over our entire relationship and his "love for me." (As far as I know he has not cheated on me while we've been married.) His explanation was that "he didn't think we would work out."
Five months later he treats me less like his princess and more like a pain up his ass. We have a very healthy sex life, but some days it seems like that's all he ever wanted out of me. What I really want is the emotional connection we had before we married. I want my best friend back. One night a plate fell out of the cabinets onto his food and broke. He flew into a rage at me and all but cursed me out. It wasn't even my fault. If I interrupt him while he's doing paperwork he'll get angry and yell at me or flat out ignore me. If I'm not as efficient as he would be he'll pick on me for it. For example, we were talking while he was in the shower and he asked me to hand him his towel. I took one off the rack and I didn't see he'd put one on the counter. He was like, "there's one right there! Think!!!" When it comes to his wants and my wants it's never a 50/50 compromise. It's a 75 percent compromise on my part and a 25 percent on his. If I do all I can in a day to make him happy, there's still always something he can point out that isn't good enough. I've confronted him on it and he claims it's just "his glitch" and that it's not my fault....but it takes the wind out of my sails. Another thing that has been eating at me is what his daughter told me. Her and I have become close friends and one day she said, "as a friend I think I should tell you this." Before he and I married she'd asked him what he would do if I decided I wanted a divorce down the road. His answer? "I'll kill her." How can you say that about someone you love? I have no intention of leaving him and I want our marriage to work, but that has subconsciously bothered me too.
What prompted me to post this is the way I've been feeling lately and the conversation he and I had last night. I've been feeling like he never really loved me like I love him. I've been feeling inadequate; as if nothing I do will ever be enough for him and like I'll never be able to make him happy. I've been feeling like I've lost my best friend and I'm quickly becoming depressed. Last night he and I were talking and I said, "I hope that I'm everything you hoped I would be." His response: "Emmm, mmhmm." It felt like I was punched in the guts...clearly he's not satisfied with me. Later on in bed I said it again and he was quiet...until he said, "I guess I just need more patience. You're younger." I said "patience? With what??? And what's it matter that I'm younger? He couldn't think of anything except that I don't put the dishes away at night, even though I do in the morning. But I try his patience? This is what I'm talking about. It really hurts and I so want our marriage to work. I love him, but what is happening?
This is common, many people don't show their true colors until marriage. It's unfortunate really but I think it's called the bait and switch.
If you are insistent on staying in this relationship, though my advice would be to evacuate. Stop catering.
Do what makes it work but stop showing him your needing side. Show him an independent you. You focus on you.
Take things to a 50/50 as you want. Don't be stomped on.
I can say this however, this relationship does seem a bit abusive, though you may see it yourself, and honestly, if it is abusive as it seems. You really need to put your head into this.
Really think. How many red flags have you counted up?
He said he'd kill you. I'm assuming the daughter told you because she felt like it wasn't a joke.
Why did his last marriage fail? Beyond his explanation to you.
Where is this explosive rage coming from?
Could it have been deep seated?
Become what women are naturally, detectives. Put your emotions aside for a moment, because they will blind you. Truly evaluate the situation.
Would couples counseling be a thing? Would he be open to it?
I talked to his daughter's partner and he said what you said. Get a hobby, care about you, and don't be needy and see what happens. Someone else told me to make myself happy and don't take it too personally...even though that's hard.
It is my personal goal to make our marriage work even though there are many red flags. I do love him dearly. I made it clear to him in recent days (in casual conversation) that under two cicumstaces would I leave immediately; if he ever cheated on me while married, and if he ever hit me. His daughter did tell me because of the "plate incident" where he flew into a rage. She did it because when he said it, she'd been concerned. My mom was concerned as well about the plate ordeal.
As far as the deep seated rage goes, he told me a long time ago that he had anger issues but that they'd gotten better. He said that when he was younger he was a hot head and it used to be a lot worse...to the point where he'd break things. I did ask his ex if he'd ever hit her and she claimed he didn't, although they'd gotten in terrible fights. The reason their marriage failed was because of his controlling nature, but also things that she did. Even his daughter claims they were both in the wrong. But he did treat her bad and was often called "mean." I told him the other day that I felt it was his fault too.
As far as couples counseling goes, I know for a certainty he wouldn't be open to it. He wouldn't go in his last marriage.