My sister and I are very close, have been best friends for years. She's younger than me and living out her last teen years right now. I've always been her support system. She's made terrible choices in guys, as we all have. Since her last good relationship she's fallen on the clingy and really annoying guys. I don't know if it's because of her self issues.
Either way, I really dislike the new guy. He's an ex of hers, red flag number one. He's now living with her. I don't approve because he's basically a mooch. Now, I'm not objecting or pushing my thoughts in, in any way. She and I have always done a fair job of letting the other learn on their own with small advice here and there.
Now, however, it's affecting that friendship. I can't handle that. I tried having him over to the house, but she actually made small talk with me. Showing she was just as uncomfortable as we were. Showing she could not be herself around him. She fell out in laughter literally. and he seemed embarrassed and was urging her to stand up immediately. I have a problem with that, because when she comes into my home everyone, my kids, my husband and myself are much happier and sillier. We enjoy the happiness she not only carries, but that she brings out in me.
They stood in a corner and whispered the entire time. It was rude, he was so demanding of her attention. I can feel the drive it's already putting between us. I respect that she has her own life, and I'm doing my best to have her live it. It just causes such pain knowing another person can come in and the bond we have as family can be severed so easily. I even have to censor what we put in text messages. She says because "He has her password." But we have code for messages to be deleted if secret or embarrassing, and she still made me censor. The code literally stands for "I'm alone, read and delete." So that tells me he's actually over her shoulder.
I sent her an email, because we email more freely than we do anything else, I explained how I feel and told her I want her to have her happiness and not to let my emotions get in the way. I told her I would be taking some time from her though.. I didn't share it was for my disapproval, I merely left a small comment that she should evaluate how this relationship is changing her personality.
It's NONE of my business, but as she is close to my family and she and I usually speak on a daily basis, to now, almost never, it seems to be throwing a curve and I feel utterly lost. I only want the best for her, I miss her, and I'm worried for her.
Hi, I was just so stunned when I read your thread. It reminds me of one of my aunt whose personality completely changed when he married this one guy who turned out to be a sloth, good for nothing, unemployed, wife-beater, drunken husband and a lousy father. I was just so bump about this particular aunt because none of our family really taken the time to talk to her and make her understand that the kind of relationship is not healthy. Some of our family just flat out commanding her to leave her husband which of course wasn't receive well by her. It pains us to see her life but I guess there's nothing we can do about it.
You are a kind sister, very caring to your little sister which I really admire and I know how much it pains you to see your sister's life suddenly change and now your conversation consist of code and censorship which in itself is no fun way to communicate.
I understand your frustration too since you probably wanted so that your sister to leave that guy but obviously she doesn't and you feel like your advice has no place in her mind now but if I could make a suggestion that perhaps you shouldn't take sometime off your sister. Maybe you can't do anything to change her mind, you certainly can't command her to leave that guy which would make her resent you in the end but please don't take some time off your sister life. Be there for her no matter what, keep an eye on her, this especially since she and the guy lived together, you need to keep an extra watch for your sister. It doesn't matter if you talk in code or anything, as long as you talk to her. Don't leave her alone.
From what I saw from my relatives experience (this happens a lot in my family) you can't never tell someone to do anything, you would just drown your spirit and get frustrated if you do since no one wants to be told anything even if it's for their own good, especially someone so young as your sister. The important things is, you told her honestly about how you feel about her relationship whether she takes your advice or not, it doesn't matter just be there for her. This might be the time for her to make her own mistake and realized in her own way how wrong her choice is but let her decide it herself. She will come to her senses one day, she might feel imprison by this guy eventually and left him, who knows? Anything could happen, the only thing that you could do though is to be patient with her and keep an eye on her, make sure she is always safe and be sure to let her know that you'll always be there for her no matter what.