My name is Marco and i live in Italy, i'm 30 and i've lost the control of my life.
Some months ago i tried to move to another country, to stay with my girlfriend and her daughter, i thought i was ready to make this big change, but with the time passing by i felt like in a cage and i started showing the bad side of my personality, obviously this cracks the relationship with my gf.
Daily fights for stupid matters, so i went back to Italy.
Despite that the relationship didn't finish and we started to live this story on distance.
The biggest problem lies in me, one year ago i had a salary (low and for a crappy job, but better than nothing...), used to ran every day because i wanted to join the "Ironman" competition, was taking care of my body, traveled to Hong Kong...It wasn't the most amazing life, but i felt alive, i had goals, positive toughts.
Before moving i injured my knee and stop running, the relationship crisis started a bad cicle.
I started eating for the anger and the nervous, i got fat and lost every drop of energy.
Now i sit here on this chair, sometimes empty, sometimes with a storm of thoughts, i don't know what i want anymore, what i want from my future, i'm a failure, i don't have a job, i don't know if i want a relationship, i spent the last ten years without projecting my life, wanted to study at university, but i preferred to find stupid jobs and learn nothing.
I got hurt from love, from friends and disappointed by myself.
I've never been in a such deep crysis, i really don't know how end it and most important why end it...
I think you should talk with a counsel about your issues. If you really want to change yourself, then start small first. Once you overcome the smaller issues you face, then take on slightly bigger issues that you want to overcome. Repeat this progress and you would succeed. I have similar issues with you, like sometime I would start eating to vent our my anger or anxiety. I'm still facing this sort of issue but its not so bad as before because I control myself now.
I'm also a bit similar with you is that I feel that I'm a failure in my life as well, back then and maybe even now. I used to be more motivated, more enthusiastic about my studies, about my career, about my future but something happen that make me stop believing in myself and question what I want for my future. I really mess up the 2 years of my education because of that and I felt disappointed in myself but I told myself that I would do better for the next course that I decided to take so I started working and studying hard. I had a lot of people that I know when I was young until now, telling me that I can't do it or saying something similar along the line. I always believe them at the beginning but eventually convince myself to ignore them and let go of the past. What motivates me to keep going was because of these people, I told myself that I'm not failure like what they think and told myself that I could do better, that I could prove them wrong about me.
I'm doing fine now but I still think of myself as a failure because of my past issue. Even if you do overcome your issues its not going to completely disappear. It would take time for you to completely overcome your issues but that's okay. At least you are doing something, even if you do only one thing that would benefit you today, you are still making progress in your life. Like now, you are admitting the issue lies in yourself, which is a good start in your progress to change and be better. Its alright if you fail in whatever it is in your trying to achieve during your journey, just keep trying. Even now, I still am not sure what I want in my life but I still decided to keep going because I believe that I would find it.