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Doubly confused

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Relationship advice I have got, what I am seeing, as a very complicated problem which will take a lot of explaining in order for anyone to understand the facts. But I will try my hardest to make it simple.

I met my current partner eight years ago and fell in love with his "happy" nature and love of fun. I chose to ignore the fact that he seemed to be on several 'gay' websites, as he did have a gay friend at the time and I chose to ignore his excuses that this friend had put him on these websites. We both have children and when we met we all moved in together. I found this extremely difficult as I am not the most maternal person and found the overcrowding in our house quite hard to deal with at times. However I struggled on and, looking back, overrode a lot from my partner, firstly he had a very volotile temper and would "lose it" quite quickly with the kids, never with me, he also had a very childish way of talking to them and I'm now thinking he actually has some kind of personality disorder that has been untreated. He also is unable to take responsibility for anything and will always pass the buck when things go wrong and blame others for his misgivings. This is very hard to live with as I end up dealing with not only the kids but also friends whom he has let down and then tried to blame others for it.

The main problem here is that during the course of our relationship he started to make suggestions about bringing "another man" into our relationship to satisfy my "high sex drive". This wasn't just a short conversation that ended when I said I didn't really want to put this into practice; this suggestion was something he went on and on about constantly and actually persuaded me, over a number of years, that it probably would be quite a fun thing to do. There is more to this part, in that I did actually end up in his desired situation and regretted it immediately. I found the way to cope with this was to actually join some websites with him and tell myself I was doing it for "love" but knew I didn't actually have to do anything with these men when it came to it. He was so into this idea and went on the website daily showing me different men who may have taken my fancy. He also talked about it when we were in bed together and wanted to hear my "thoughts and ideas". The point Im trying to make is that this was a real desire of his that he actually never let up about.

Meanwhile, our fiancial situation was suffering due to his business not going well and he started to get low and depressed due to money worries. His anger would always be taken out on the kids, especially my youngest teenager, who isnt the easiest person to deal with at the best of times.

Back on the website, I noticed, one evening, an extremely attractive man in one of the pictures, and he had apparently taken an interest in our "profile". I told my partner that I liked the look of him, not expecting anything to happen, as I had my backup plan of knowing I had a choice. Cutting a long story short, I chatted with this man for a month or so before meeting and when I saw him for the first time the "connection" was obvious! We hit it off and saw each other as often as we could. At the start of this I was using "I need to get to know him" to help me go out on my own with him, but I also had conversations with my partner that indicated to him that I may have "fallen in love". I knew this had happened and so did the man in question, but I felt stuck as to what to do as I still felt love for my partner and I had the family situation set up with him.

So I have now been seeing this man for nearly a year, my partner has been diagnosed with 'severe depression' and is on antidepressants; this he has said was due to our financial situation, although I wonder how much of it is due to my seeing this other man.

My partner and myself talk about it a lot and, to protect him, I tell him we are "friends". But the fact is I feel I am in love with two men, both for different reasons, and the love I feel for my partner I live with is possibly because I feel sorry for him. I am also in a position where I rely on my live in partner financially,as he is now working and my other man is not in a position to support me financially.

I have no idea what to do and could really do with some help in sorting out my emotions and finding a way forward that, hopefully, doesn't leave anybody too distraught!

Doubly confused

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Hey,there u really need to give a deep thinking.i dont knw hw far hv u gone with the other man.but u really should not let ur family fall apart.the fact that u still love ur husband,it means that u still care but just a litle confused.while other man whom u say u love is not what u think, the only reason u like being with him is that it makes u happy,relaxed away frm tension.well its normal.u need to relax.but u should let this affect ur family.in my suggestion u shuold cut off with that other man and be there for ur husband and son.u still love him I knw. I mean thats what family does be there no matter what.u should talk 2 ur husband abt this.tell him to think of ur sons and the financial situation.u shouldnt leave him when he is sufferng frm a bad phase.u can still be happy with ur family.u dont need another man to make u happy. On the other hand abt ur husabnd being gay or that site thing.jst try stay away frm it.u both loved each other so its not hard fr u to persuade him.and lovers do not leave their partners if they fall.so still u hav got chance to make things right.there is no happines greater than family being together.its totally up to u.u have a family just dont let it fall apart.

Doubly confused

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Dear Thinker, I wonder if you and your two gentlemen might be interested in counseling together? I work for a very POSITIVE talk show where you could discuss things in a safe and fair environment and we also provide aftercare counseling. Let me know if you are open to discussing, totally no commitment but it could genuinely be helpful. Feel free to email me at castingdilemmas(at)gmail(dot)com and I can tell you more... best of luck!

Doubly confused

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Dear Sonny

I just wanted to thank you for your response to my problem and to say that I am giving what you said some thought. The reason I find this SO complicated is the fact that when I look back to when I first met my live in partner; I realise I may have made some mistakes, I knew I loved him but was really not ready to move in with him and feel he forced this by telling me he had to move from his flat at the time. There were many warning signs, mainly his angry outbursts, and I have struggled with our relationship from the word go really. I do feel, and had this feeling before the other man came on the scene, that I should have really just kept him as a friend initially.

When I first met my "other" man I did feel an instant strong connection that I felt I couldn't ignore and ending it with him feels like something I could never do.

I am not married to my live-in partner and I have two daughters, who he actually, at times been extremely verbally abusive to.

Thanks again for your comments

Dear Casting Dilemmas

Thank you for your offer! However I don't think I can take you up on it at this time. My true feelings are not "out in the open" with my live-in partner as yet and so getting both men together for a start would be a problem.

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