My boyfriend doesn't want to move in with me anymore
My boyfriend and I have been going out for 3 nearly 4 years, our relationship has always been pretty good. He lives in a flat, attached to his best friends parents house and I live in a rented house with my daughter. He has it quite easy, as his friends parents don't charge him much rent at all, its small, with one bedroom. My landlord is really not that great or approachable but I don't complain, to be honest as long as everything is working and it's not impacting me or my child, I'm not fussed. I do however, pay a lot of rent because of the area I live in and every year my landlord puts up the price for one reason or another.
My daughter likes my boyfriend a lot, she told me he's like a second dad and my boyfriend is so good with her, there has never been a problem in that area. My little girls stays with her dad three nights in the week and we alternate weekends.
About 6 months ago, we decided together we wanted to Live together because when my daughter is at her dads, I'm always at my boyfriends and it seems such a waste of money that I'm paying on rent on a place where I'm never really there, really it's somewhere to store mine and my daughters pocessions. At the weekends when I do have my daughter we often end up round my boyfriends flat and my daughter is more then happy to sleep on a blow up bed in the lounge, she enjoys being there, I love the little family atmosphere and my boyfriend has always seemed happy to have us. He told me he had already been saving a lot and that he wanted us to live in a nice family home and he thought he nearly had enough money. From the beginning he made it clear he wanted to buy a house, not rent and I understood. Since deciding this, we became really careful with not eating out or treating ourselves. I've tried to save as much as I can, as I really want to help him save, it's been hard, as i work part time because of my child and I don't get paid an awful lot, it just about covers my rent and necessities.
I was getting really excited and looking at potential houses on the internet, sending him the odd link - being careful not to over do it . Then about 3 weeks ago my boyfriend came round my house and said he needed to talk to me and he told me he didn't want to move in with me anymore. I was shocked, I didn't understand why and when I asked he said he wasn't ready and he spark wasn't there between us anymore. I thought we were fine. He also went into other reasons, my low paid job, the condition of the house I live in, my land lord is slow at fixing things when they do break, it felt like a personal attack, which lead to an argument. Ultimately I was angry with him because it felt like he'd been leading me on and then took it all away again. He let me get excited and talk about it and he had been doing the same as well, telling me he couldn't wait. He kept on wanting to come into my house properly to talk but I wouldn't let him. I told him I needed to know what was going on because it felt like he was trying to break up with me and I asked what he wanted. He then got really emotional, his hands were shaking and said he didn't know what he wanted anymore. I started crying and then it seemed like he had come to some realisation and said he didn't want to break up and he was really sorry. He went onto explain that he was frustrated because he had been to a mortgage adviser and he couldn't get as much money for a house as he though he could, not for the area we live in, we could possibly get a flat but it would probably be one bedroom, not two, which wouldn't work. He tried to get me to go back to his flat with him but I said no because I needed a bit of time to myself and that I would be round later. He accepted this and left.
When I calmed down I went round to his flat and told him I loved him so much and we couldn't let this break us up and went into a speech about how other couples go through so much more and worse but they make it work because they love each other. I said I would do anything to help us e.g, get a new job and see if my parents or my daughter dads parents could look after my daughter after school, so I could work full time. I'm also quite artistic and been trying to set up my own card company but it's been slow and I've been tying to get some freelance work. He agreed but said it wouldn't be as soon as I wanted and it could take a couple of years. we also promised to make more time for each to try and get the spark back.
it's been hard scearching for somewhere because of my daughters school and her dad. I don't really want disrupt her schooling, she's really bright and doing really well but she's shy and I know a move her to a new school and area would impact her. I also have a good relationship with her dad that I don't want to ruin and again if I moved her away from him she would hate that. So the scearch has been limited. Where as if my boyfriend was this doing alone he would move anywhere if he could a long as he could get to his work place and I get the feeling this is what he actually wants.
Three weeks on, I feel on edge all the time about our relationship. I'm worried sick my boyfriend is going to tell me it's not working and he's going to break up with me propperly. We have done some really nice things together but the tension between us is there and its growing. we are snappy with each other, we were never like this before . I've ended up sleeping on his sofa a couple of times when I stay over at his flat because he says I fidget too much in bed but I lye there worrying he doesn't actually want me there. he doesn't cuddle or kiss me as much anymore, forget sex that hasn't happened since his confession and I don't try because I don't know how he feels. AlI feel is hurt and really insecure.
The thing is, if we put our both our rent money together, we would be able to afford to rent somewhere, in the right area Or if he moved into the house I live and I carried on paying the rent, which would allow him to carry on saving and he would only have to help out a little bit but I know he's not ready. I don't want to push it but I don't know how much time to give him.
Any advise or insight would really be appreciated as I'm confused.
1. Have you checked with the council's rent officer whether your landlord is within the law with his rent and raises?
2. How come, despite your place is bigger, you and your daughter always played 'the Mountain going to Mohammad'? Couldn't he be a*sed to come to yours? Was that a symptom of his exiting the relationship do you now think? ...in which case, did you really think things were fine?...despite he didn't have the b*lls to directly signal anything as would have constituted forewarning?
(You realise when a man is genuinely into you, the difficulty is, keeping the lovely ugger away?)
3. What on earth has your job income got to do with his wanting to long-term be with you?
4. "Ultimately I was angry with him because it felt like he'd been leading me on and then took it all away again"
Yup. So why would he have said nothing until - suddenly - now? Could it be he was keeping you in case his expeditions onto the dating market proved fruitless as could have left him alone and sh*g-less?
5. When a man loves you enough to make or continue a relationship out of it, he knows darn well what he wants. It's not 'not sure', it's either no or yes. Anything less than Yes is (if you think about it) a No.
No, he doesn't want to break up. Until he's ready. It's not quite convenient, still. But it will be.
Dump the lying, duplicitous, cowardly, self-serving, selfish dud and thereby teach your daughter what's healthy and acceptable and what isn't, once she's a dating adult. Because, BASICALLY, what I'm hearing is that when he thought you'd help elevate his status through mortgage-qualification/house ownership facilitation he wanted you/this relationship but now that's not as do-able as he'd thought, you're yesterday's news (or will be once he's got another relationship ready to leap to without inconveniencing himself). If he loved you and getting to be with you and keep you in his life meant living in a damn tree-house, he would. And if he truly cared about your daughter, he wouldn't want to disrupt her unnecessarily again, either. I love and care is as *does*.
"Where as if my boyfriend was this doing alone he would move anywhere if he could a long as he could get to his work place "
I'm betting the truth is, actually he couldn't. But why isn't HE trying to earn more? Funny, that.
That's not love. That's him trying to use you as his tool - a vehicle - through which to better his life status.
Face it - he's *already* emotionally broken up with you YET is trying to manipulate you, using blackmail, into elevating his mortgage-ability.
He's the tool. Sorry it took you 3-4 years to find out but...that's how it goes, it's called a test-drive. He *seemed* to be a working model until you hit a part of the route that demanded higher performance, whereupon his steering failed and you went headlong into a tree. Don't you *dare* enmesh your finances with his (yikes) and put your daughter through yet more disruption on top of that of the big D or - "don't come running to me".
Come on - you know this already, I can SEE you do!
You're clearly a lovely lady with a big heart and genuine willingness to match, so I doubt, following a period of grieving, you'll be left sat on the dating-market chair for long. You can have BOTH: a man YOU love and behave towards/treat accordingly *and* that man love you back equally. And BECAUSE he'll be a better, nicer model, you'll realise this wasn't love at all. In fact, he was just your rebound job to the next, FAR-far better station.
What a horrid, cruel, controller-manipulator (mental torturer) he's turned out to be. Say it with me: "Neeext....!".
I'm betting the pain won't last half as long as you fear it will.
Many thanks for the reply.
I have since ended this relationship. I didn't want to, I thought once we found somewhere and got settled it would go back to normal but he was giving me no reassuance of that ever happneing.
My now ex wouldn't move in with me because of the 'state' the house was in. Hygenically, it's very clean but things kept breaking and my land lord does a very poor, quick fix, this drove him crazy. I am very sentimental with my daughters things so the house was a little cluttered, with not a lot of room for him. Not that he ever offered to help or look at something that had broken when I asked him to.
He wanted me to change my current job, his idea was for me to go into retail, where I could work more hours but didn't appreciate child care for my daughter was not possible for that to happen or that I'd get no time with her. It was stupid idea, that I'm pleased didn't follow through with, I enjoy my current job and I get all the holidays off, which is prefect as my daughter is still little.
This sounds completley insane now but in the end I decided to test him, I neded it to hit home. I would like to add what I did wasn't all for him, it did need doing. I got my land lord in to fix everytyhing, propperly this time. Along with my daughter I chucked a lot of stuff away, deep cleaned the house and did up the garden. I made nice for us to live in and what I hoped would be appealing to him. When my daughter wasn't home I invited him round, showed him what I had done and I asked him to move in. Oh my word, his face was a picture and he said no almost straight away so I told him it was over and I could carry on like this. The answer was so obvious to me and it was so frustrating he wouldn't make the move.
He was upset and angry, as I had acccording to him, sprung this on him and he kept repeating he didn't mean what he said before but he failed proved himself in any other way. Since he's been trying to contact me and left a message saying he doesn't like how after nearly four years I have just cut him off. I've had to.
Family and friends have been surprised but when I explain they have all said I did the right thing. His mother has contacted me to say she is disgusted with his behaviour. I had a horrible feeling she was going to ask me to take him back if she had words with him but she only asked I keep in touch with her.
It has been painful, I still miss him and what we had. I have always said I'd be happy if I only have the one child but now in a selfish way I'm looking at my friends who are all married with children and I wanted that but I know I'm now going to have to be patient.
Good GRIEF, SORRY!!! I had no idea you'd at the time responded, don't think I got or spotted an alert in my email inbox for this one!
Assuming this reaches you: well done for having ended what in truth was already dead in the water. Seriously - well done!
Re the details:
Listen, you can't get more cluttered nor tenuously attached than tree-branches. I said 'in a tree' and I meant it.
"Not that he ever offered to help or look at something that had broken when I asked him to."
No, course not, funny that. It's called, That doesn't count as Taking, it's Giving (and I don't do Giving, that's her job).
Truth is obviously that he didn't give a hoot for the 'clutter' or any less-than-fully-functioning fixtures and fittings, it was just something that passed for plausible pester-power basis for getting the mountain to always come to Mohammad. He didn't want the work of having to get off his behind to (cough!) "see" you. Just the perks.
"It was stupid idea, that I'm pleased didn't follow through with, "
Earn more? What - so he could work less (, I'm betting)?
Tip for the future: do not give a partner the perks of spouse-dom without their having (same as you) EARNED the position of spouse via ACTUAL MARRIAGE. And for something *that* life-affecting, you give it a good 5 years of test-driving (dating and mere staying-over) (and I don't care what anyone else is doing, or WHOLE SOCIETIES of impatient idiots - this is *your* protection-worthy life, not theirs!). What's the hurry, anyway, if that person alleges to intend to spend the rest of their life with you thus aims to do things properly/healthily thus lastingly via a strong foundation? There's no rational answer to that, just exerting one's impatient will via EXCUSES dressed up as logical argument, such as, 'If you loved me you'd want to marry me NOW, mew-mew'. Answer: 'I love you too much to marry you now and lose you tomorrow so I'm going to take the time to build a lasting foundation so that the result house build doesn't fall down before we gasp our last. Why? Are you looking for something only temporary?...a bit of a laugh?...time-filler until the real deal walks in?' (- game, set 'n match).
The second reason I'm pleased too is - why on earth would he want you around your daughter less? Who was supposed to take sole charge of her between school's out and your getting in from work? Him? I bloody hope not or we're possibly-maybe-yikes talking, dodged a paedophiliac type of bullet(!!!!). So - him?
"This sounds completley insane now but in the end I decided to test him, I neded it to hit home. I would like to add what I did wasn't all for him, it did need doing. I got my land lord in to fix everytyhing, propperly this time. Along with my daughter I chucked a lot of stuff away, deep cleaned the house and did up the garden. I made nice for us to live in and what I hoped would be appealing to him. When my daughter wasn't home I invited him round, showed him what I had done and I asked him to move in. Oh my word, his face was a picture and he said no almost straight away so I told him it was over and I could carry on like this. The answer was so obvious to me and it was so frustrating he wouldn't make the move."
Blimey, you don't mess around, do you - kudos! No, not insane AT all. Just no-nonsense-proactive and thorough. Quite scientific, actually. :-) Although, what on earth would you have done if he'd said Yes? :-O
Bit risky. But then I guess you know he wouldn't, eh. So it wasn't discovery at all, was it, it was CONFIRMATION, as in, calling the jury in.
"Since he's been trying to contact me and left a message saying he doesn't like how after nearly four years I have just cut him off. I've had to."
Manipulative b*gger. What he does he call promising you a rose garden before one-by-one hacking each bloom to pieces, then! Which is what he did, let's face it. He deliberately led you on, as you say, before trying to enforce a diversionary demotion into his convenient little Mohammad With Benefits. And (his notion) you'd have stayed there in order to (yours) chase back what you'd once both 'had'.
He's a nasty player. DAMN right you've had to sever the umbilicus.
You haven't weakened at all since you posted, have you?
PS: "but she only asked I keep in touch with her." Why? What would be the point? Isn't keeping your friendship with her the same as keeping a bridge open for his benefit? So are you SURE-sure-sure she doesn't want you to take him back and is just trying to go in under your radar? After all - if he's not take-taking from you, who do you think comes back into the firing line?
I advise you tell her you'd LOVE to stay friends, but that requires a period of No Contact for a year so that you can disassociate her in your mind from him. (That's another little scientific litmusing, that is, lol. We can all be sneaky, eh. ;-))
PPS: "It has been painful, I still miss him and what we had. I have always said I'd be happy if I only have the one child but now in a selfish way I'm looking at my friends who are all married with children and I wanted that but I know I'm now going to have to be patient."
Course you do. If it'd been *all* sh*t, you'd not have lasted until this point.
Re being patient: Ever seen the film Babette's Feast? Her guests had to be patient. Heaven On Earth Casserole takes longer to cook than a MacDonald's. "Innit".