I have always had a decent relationship with my soon to be mother in law, she was always there to talk and there were things that I went to her to talk about when I didn't tell anyone else - including my concern that I was becoming depressed. Time to time she could be very dramatic and too involved..but I always overlooked this. From the time me and my fiancee started dating when we were in high school (around 5 years ago), people around town told me and my parents to RUN. I always stood up for her and said that they didn't know her.
My fiancee and I have been engaged for about 15 months and get married next month. I have confided in her for her opinion for things for the wedding, and we have figured out a lot together. She has tried to control everything and have a say in everything. She would let me know that everything I was picking was not good enough, and would be super passive agressive towards me if I didn't do what she wanted. Honestly, from the way beginning, it annoyed me but I shrugged it off and just ignored it. However, my fiancee and I want to place our head table in a spot that "she thought looked stupid." When we told her that we were not putting it where she wanted it, she blew up on us and interrogated us in our home.
The next day, my fiancee sent her a message that she is his mother and he will always love her, but it is unacceptable to disrespect his future wife the way that she did the previous night, and if she wants any relationship with her son and his future family, that she needs to stop acting like a spoiled rotten 14 year old. His mother responded to him, "That's fine. Tell us where to send the check, since that's all we're good enough for." He told her to stop being immature........and she wrote back a long message about how their family is heartbroken because we always spend time with my family (when we actually split the time pretty evenly) and that if I make him happy, then they will tolerate me no matter how I negatively affect their lives. OUCH. She then went on Facebook and changed her response to my bridal shower event that she "can't go."
The immaturity of that really pushed me over the edge. I went over to their house to sit down and talk it through with her as adults, but when I got there she had locked herself in her room and wouldn't come out.
It took 25 minutes of my fiancee and father in law convincing her to come out. She came out sobbing and acting like the victim. The whole time, she was snarky, rude, and mocked me the entire time whenever I tried to say something to work it out. At one point she threw it in my face that my meds must not be working, and announced to the room that I had told her earlier this year that I was soooo depressed. (Although my doctor never actually put me on any meds....) This hurt so bad because she is the one I trusted and confided in with that issue. When I pointed that out, she then manipulated to situation to look like the victim by saying we would all be happier if she died and that shes a failure of a mom and wife because her husband and kids never want to be with her. (Still not sure what any of that had to do with me and puttingg the head table where she didn't want it.....)
She then flipped the switch and told me that she loves me so much and hugged me. Honestly, I left that night so in shock about the mental issuees that are obviously present there and how she is able to manipulate everyone.
Then, she acted like nothing happened. She tries to text me randomly about things going on. I am amazed that someone can act as irrational and say such awful things to someone and not even find it necessary to apologize. I then found out that she has been telling people around town that I freaked out on her about the wedding planning and that I went crazy. She also said that I showed up at her house and attacked her and screamed at her (which is NOT true AT ALL) trying to make me look so bad, and she tells them that she did nothing.
All of her family knows that she is a narcissistic spoiled brat, but whenever they have a disagreement with her, they all apologize to her for making her "feel bad" when she is the one that says nasty things to people or acts self centered. So, they all think that in order for this to end, I should reach out and apologize to her anyways even though "I'm not the one in the wrong." They all say thay she should be the one apologizing, but they know she never will, so they think I should just do it to move on from the situation. I feel that the reason she acts like this to all of her family, friends, co-workers, and community members all of the time is because people always give in to her and let her be the victim & end up taking the wrongful blame just because they want to keep the peace.
I know she will never change, so part of me wants to just cut ties with her. The other part of me wants to be civil with her - but I don't know how to do that without an apology from her, and I doubt I will ever get one.
I've only recently learn about narcissist personality (disorder) and was shocked that people can actually be like this and still have friends and family and be liked ?! I've seen my cousin get married and his mother in law sounds very similar to yours, from the stories I heard from my aunt. I only had the er ...pleasure of meeting this women once and people were staying away from her on the actual wedding day.
I don't think narcassistic people ever do apologise, no matter how mean they have been coz they will always see them selves as the victim and not what they've done wrong. But really, they are very,
very manipulative, childish people who only think of themselves and try to get what they want.
By the sounds of it you picked up on this by noticing her being passive aggressive with you when you didn't do what she wanted or suggested, that must of driven her crazy, she must be so used to getting her own way! It's good you did what you wanted, it's yours and your fiancés wedding not hers. I'm guessing she is not liking the fact that she's not getting all the attention at the moment with the wedding.
It's good your fiancés family are aware as to what she's like, would be worse if they weren't. They've probably put up with this for a long time. I disagree with them on that you should apologise, for what?! You should deal with it in your own way. It sounds like it's the only way the family know how to deal with her is by letting her think she's the victim and saying sorry when they disagree ...I don't know if this the is right or wrong way to deal with it but I don't think they should expect you to do the same... maybe they don't actually mean it when they apologise but they love her and want to get on with her so that's what they do. I'm not surprised they don't want to see her lot, thats probably another way to deal with her. Your mother in law to be has clearly realised this but doesn't understand why.
She's randomly texting and being 'normal' now coz she's brushing everything under the carpet and not apologising because she's clearly done this before and thinks she can do it with you too.
She lost all your trust when she told everyone about your depression and told lies that you shouted at her and attacked her (nice try!) trying to get people to turn against you. One not so clever way to loose someone's trust. Hopefully people know you better?!
I don't blame you for wanting to cut ties, my cousin did, they now have a baby but only his wife sees her mum (alone) like twice a year I think.
If it was me, i would try to get through the next month by being very civil and keep her at arms length until after the wedding. Also see how she behaves at your wedding ( if she goes) too, then decide with your fiancé what to after.
"I feel that the reason she acts like this to all of her family, friends, co-workers, and community members all of the time is because people always give in to her and let her be the victim & end up taking the wrongful blame just because they want to keep the peace."
I agree with (the very "shhhMOKIN'!" Lily) - keep her at arm's length. But not just until after the wedding. There's usually no winning with someone like that. Because they don't do Fair. Fair is the more testing uphill run and they're too weak and lazy to do it; they prefer to cheat at the cross-country race by sneakily cutting through the fields and emotionally manipulating other people - particularly kind, caring, generous types (takers need givers or there's no relationship) - to do their (this case, mental) workloads for them.
Here you go: http://www.narcissisticmother.com/narcissistic-mother-in-law
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