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Very complicated situation - marriage in Trouble

Posted by
on Jun 2 2017 at 01:39
Member since: 01 June 2017
Relationship advice My husband and I have had a rough couple of weeks. He came out as bi about a month ago to me and told me that he needed to explore and find himself and the only way to do that would be to have sex with men, which I sort of understand and may be ok with under certain circumstances. The problem is he said that he was going to do that whether it was ok with me or not and would not agree to sit down and discuss it and the options and come up with a solution that we both could agree on.

He also brings up many issues from the past two years, some true others not, and states them as the reason he made the decision and did not involve me. The biggest issue he states is that I haven't been there for him emotionally the past couple years. I will be the first to admit that the last year was hectic with me taking a job as a nurse manager and returning to school for a masters degree and I will admit that I probably haven't been there for him as I should. I'm not pointing fingers as to who's fault it was or wasn't. I am willing to work on the issues that he brought up and try to rebuild the relationship that we once had. I feel that if I was more secure with our relationship it would be easier for me to be ok with him exploring a little bit based on what we would discuss and agree on. However, he continues to say it is to late and that he needs to find himself and then maybe we could work something out. I understand where he is coming from, I do, but I am very committed and want to fight like hell to rebuild our relationship.

I have gone back and forth between asking him to try, wanting to try on my own, and then just giving up and moving on. It is difficult because we are still close and he wants to be friends still and we are going to continue to live together at least for now. We also have a two year old daughter who we are trying to maintain as close to a normal life for her as we can. I guess what I'm looking for is some advice on whether this is something that I should fight for on my own or if because of his interests there is no hope. I am not against him pursuing these new interests it is just something that I would like us to discuss and decide on together, which at this point he is not willing to do.

Also, he is still interested in having a friends with benefits type of relationship which I'm ok with, I just wonder if it would complicate things more than they already are.

Any advice or suggestions would be appreciated.

Very complicated situation - marriage in Trouble

Reply from
on Jun 2 2017 at 23:04
Member since: 02 June 2017
I dont know if I can actually give advice as everyone's situation is different. When I met my husband and we were dating he confessed to me that he was bi. He had been married twice before, but had not ever told his ex-wives or anyone for that matter. I appreciated his upfront honesty and told him I did not have a problem with it, but I did have a problem if he were to do things behind my back. To me that is totally dishonest and disrespectful. We agreed while dating and after marriage that if he wanted to get together with another guy bi friend he should tell me or better yet, let him come to our house. So this was how it worked out. He gained a lot of weight and I guess was embarrassed about it because he has not gotten together with his bi friends in the last 2-3 years.

The only suggestion I would make is this. Go with your gut feelings. Talk to him about how YOU feel about knowing this. Tell him you understand and are not judging him for his attraction to men also. Does he want to end the relationship just to "sow his oats?" If he wants to be done with the relationship, but still have you as a FWB to go to, I dont agree with that aspect. I think it wouldnt take long before you would start to feel "used" which would cause even more grief in the long run. If he needs space to figure himself out, then grant him space. But do not let it be all about him. You have a child together. Is he willing to make it public knowledge to his friends and family that he is bi, or is he wanting to be on the down low? The best thing is to try and discuss your feelings with him and hope he understands. Hopefully you can both work out a solution that is good for your relationship. Keep us posted, and I hope this helped some! ;-)

Very complicated situation - marriage in Trouble

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Jun 5 2017 at 12:00
Member since: 19 August 2014
I wouldn't be surprised if he'd known he was bi even before he met and married you. Or, what - his gargantuan, marriage-smashing self-discovery just happens to coincide with a period in which you were unable to give him the same level as attention as you used to?

The past two years' problems demanded counselling, not starting up a second romance or suddenly behaving whilst still legally married as if single. Don't let him make excuses or blame you for his free will choice.

Adultery is the very worst form of spousal abuse.

And now - how INconvenient that he didn't 'find himself' prior to your daughter's birth or prior to her gaining cognition and beginning to form a bond with her father. Let's be honest, it's what now has you feeling trapped and unable to put your foot down (or so you think). What handy timing for him.

I doubt he'd risk his marriage and life as he knew it for an unknown quantity. I think he's been cheating already and wants you as a back-up plan in case the new relationship or lifestyle goes belly-up. So I likewise doubt he wants FWB because of feelings for you. Let's be honest - what man that even liked and respected a woman, let alone loved her, would be willing to treat her the lowly, insulting, self-esteem-smashing way he's treating you, the mother of his child? Would you? Ever? I mean, seriously - resentment build-up or not - if that's how he treats you when he loves you or even did (love in-memoriam) then I'd hate to see what he'd do to you if he hated you!

His wanting "fwb" is to keep you attached to him (warm and waiting on the side) so that [a] once he's had his uninhibited, no-holds-barred sex-fest he can return to the respectability of his public-image window dressing called, I'm normal/heterosexual hence have a wife and kid, or [b] so that if he doesn't manage to begin a relationship with one of them (thereby placed for moving seamlessly and permanently from your lilypad to the other man or woman's, discarding you like a used tissue), he won't suddenly be single, lonely and without sex-on-tap, and half as financially solvent (thus less eligible), or [c] to chip away at your ability to stick up for yourself and your child in the face of unacceptable treatment, resulting in you lowering your future expectations and strength of mind so that he can keep said veneer of respectability and responsibility whilst getting to live the life of a partying singleton (have his cake and eat it).

*Already* he's lowered your standards re. how you demand to be treated because, here you are considering a one-sided open marriage against your will!

He's broken the marital contract as states, 'forsaking all others'. The marriage has therefore already ceased to exist, despite legally where concerns joint wealth and assets.

Committing adultery is committing adultery, regardless of whether the spouse is made aware of it (or even tantamountedly 'made to sit in a chair and watch') (good grief!), regardless of the gender of the other partner- or partners-in-crime. And cheaters, being in a state of mind with script and dialogue to match (same play, different co-stars), lessen their guilt by (earwigo again) Demonizing the innocent spouse. If you were a TOTAL COW then, why, his needing the comfort of other arms is JUST UNDERSTANDABLE, blah-blah.

No, it's not and never will be. Cheating is not a solution, it's an avoidance and selfish self-preservation tactic and/or a strong-arm-ing tactic. The HEIGHT of selfishness and mental cruelty in that context/arena.

How total cow is it to, presumably, try, as a responsible spouse, parent and family member, to improve your earning power thus your family's income? Are you supposed to be a magician and be in two places at once, as well as Superwoman with the energy to dote on him as well as your son and everything else as if nothing had changed? How come you even needed to improve your earning power? What about his?....pray tell.

If he 'suddenly' discovers he's bi and wants to start 'practising' as one, and you didn't sign up for that situation originally, then his options are to either lump it and continue with the family life he chose and helped create *or* to set you free to grieve then find a mate who's sure of his sexuality thus MEANS it when he utters the words (or intention), '...til death do us part'. BERBOM! ...And be a good male role model or at least a not-too-bad one for your child-into-adult so that she'll one day become good girlfriend and wife material, rather than end up divorced after having likewise abused her spouse "like daddy did and nobody shot him, note" or ending up in your position and thinking it must be normal 'because, look...'.

Marriages experience problems and bad phases all the time. That does NOT give one carte blanche to cheat. Cheating is the antithesis of marriage, not a feature of it.

Why would you be committed to slavery, stripped of your status- and god-given rights, expectations and privileges? Do you in fact mean, committed to keeping your family intact for the sake of your daughter?

Have you been for a free-of-charge 'initial consultation' chat with a solicitor yet, just to find out what your options are "if"? It'll give you the confidence (and then some!) to say to him, 'Counselling or Divorce - choose now and refusal to choose signifies the latter choice'.

You did not sign up to be FWBs, swingers, mere housemates or someone's cover story. You don't marry someone just to unfairly secure their friendship, do you. Presumably it was a FAITHFUL, LOVING HUSBAND you signed up for.


What's he going to do about it?

If moving on is difficult because he's keeping your attachment alive, your emotions over-roused thus your head 'spaghettified', yet refuses to cease his downright abusive behaviour then, at the very least you ought to instigate a Separation (in which case you still need said consultation so as to get Interim/Separation Maintenance going) to buy yourself thinking time. Make it zero or no contact and refuse to communicate about anything bar your kid's business. It's HIS mess to fix, HIS job to back down, not yours.

Two-year-olds are perfectly capable of picking up on tension and bad vibes; if these aren't explained (or can't be because the child's too young) it's all the worse for them. 'Normal' is no such vibes existing. Don't do that to her. Don't let him. If he won't talk, he can walk.

Hope that helps? If not - read this:

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