To be honest, I'm not sure what I need...
I understand that I'm young and I have a lot going for me as it stands right now. I guess I tend to feel a little guilty when I act like I need help or think that I'm too stuck to get myself out of the situations I've created. I've always just pushed things back because I know that there are people going through so much worse, and that my little problems don't compare to a fraction of those going on in the world around us. I do, however, believe that people are conditioned to certain things in their lives which make even small things seem big on a personal level.
For a long time I've felt like I needed to ask for help from someone, anyone who could give me an objective view on how I can improve upon myself and my relationships with those around me. I've always felt a little bit lost among people, even my own family. Especially my own family. Everyone in that bunch is just all so different, but somehow the same in the most inexplicable ways. A lot of people feel like outsiders in their families, I know. Sometimes I just feel off though. I've often wondered if there was some kind of mental issue that I had, or window of opportunity I missed that everyone just kind of ignores and doesn't want to tell me about.
I try to follow along with everyone and be a part of what is going on rather than just being 'there' but a lot of the time it just feels like I'm more in the way. I get anxious that people are thinking about how weird or dumb I am while they're talking to me. I constantly fear the things that they say about me when I'm not there. Truthfully I don't care whether or not most people like me or hate me, but I would still feel better just knowing up front rather than constantly imagining my sister tearing me down to the rest of my family just because she has nothing better to do than be mean like that. I'm not even just assuming all situations like that, they come up in conversations. My mom tells me often about how she was 'just discussing' things about me with people a lot. "Your sister says you act like you're better than her because of.... You know I was just talking about the fact that you don't have a boyfriend the other day with.... Yeah, we were talking about your bad taste in guys last week, you just have to get into a nice church group and find a good christian boy." Those are just minor examples of things she has brought up. Hell this is just a minor beginning to what will most likely be a lot of posts in the future.
It really drives me crazy when she goes on about that kind of thing though, especially telling me I need a good "christian" guy. But what am I supposed to tell her when shes says it huh? "Mom I can't be with a super religious person because religion actually scares the life out of me"? I can't just say something like that. I can't even get through this post without crying, let alone a conversation with my mother about my lack of faith and complete fear of making it to a hypothetical judgement day and being sent to toil in hell because I didn't know what to believe.
Anyway, if anybody is still reading at this point, I'll probably always post something that sounds confusing, starts with one point only to end with another, or even just a long list of complaints that nobody really even cares about. If you do care enough to give input it would be greatly appreciated. There's not a lot to go on just yet, but with all that I've bottled up, I could write a book. I think with this post I'm mostly looking for advice on where I should begin.
My advice for you: be happy with yourself and how you are. Stop trying to please others and don't give importance of what they think about you. We can't please everyone
Wow, you have really done some self analysis, haven’t you? And you say this is just the beginning? I could find this to be very interesting if you continue to communicate with us.
I don’t think it is unusual for any of us to question who we are, how people perceive us, or what we need to do to have people respect us. That is human nature. We may say we don’t care what people think of us or if they like us or not, but we need to be validated. And I think that is OK. Not only is it OK, it may help us grow in character, morality, principle, and other virtues of intrinsic worth. It appears to me that may be what you seek. And this is good.
If I was to ask you what your top 5 values in your life are, could you identify them? Do you know who you want to be? Not what others want you to be (although that is important, also), but who you want to be. Interestingly, what you want to be is often based on what others want you to be. Once again, our human need is to be loved, without compromising our principles or values.
So let’s start there. Tell me what the most important things in life are to you. Next, ask yourself, how do these values compare with those of family members or others who may or may not “understand” me. If they are different, which value(s) can you or are you willing to change to be more comfortable with others? What values may you be willing to demonstrate to others to get them to be more like you?
Sound easy? It’s not. But it will be interesting. Please keep us informed on this character study of yourself and others.