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I'm horrible at friendships and strong bonding

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Relationship advice I am very bad at making friends. Well, it becomes friendship and healthy colleagues relationship thing only at workplace or school but I've never been a person whom people will call up and say "Hey! Let's go to a movie. Let's go to XYZ city or park or hangout zone."

I am realizing that all along my life, I've been ignoring this thing about me and staying happy with whatever I've had or done but I turned 27 last year and now this trait about me is disturbing me a lot. And, no, I hardly ever get into heated arguments or fights with people. It's all smooth and easy with them. But there's no bonding between me and people. And I feel like fixing myself.

What should I do to become a person who holds interesting conversations? I am usually listening in a conversation with nothing much to contribute to it.

I've remained mostly focused towards my academics, career, and music (only collecting and listening) all through my life . This has drained out a necessary social skill of connecting with people and building rapport with them. I used to be introvert in my childhood and usually held a disgust against silly and wild people. During my college days I didn't hold disgust against such people, however. I became more understanding and open mind as I grew up.


Interestingly, I'm not bad when it comes to speaking on a topic in front of people. I've given a brilliant visual and spoken presentation during a workshop related to city planning.

And I've already read the book "How to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie...

I'm horrible at friendships and strong bonding

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I can completely sympathize with your plight. I always have good relations at work or at school or something, but it's hard to take that to the next level. The couple times where I have gotten someone to hang out outside our usual arrangment, it hasn't lasted. People always claim to be "busy". I think a large part of it can be chalked up to the way society is these days- so many people are glued to screens. I've noticed some younger people even have trouble interacting at all face-to-face. So, a large part of this may not even be your fault.

Do you have any close friends? Even if you are long-distance or don't chat much, but you still consider them in high regard? It sounds like you're just an introvert. Maybe look up meetup.com or some other service like that to find people who like to collect music, or any of your other interests. You might have to be okay with superficial arrangements at first. Good friends are rare, so if that's your goal, patience is going to be the only way. Good luck :)

I'm horrible at friendships and strong bonding

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I may find it difficult to respond to your frustrations because I usually admire the qualities you find disturbing. Let me explain, and then I will attempt to support your attempt to remake yourself.

Quiet, discerning people normally appear very intelligent and retrospective. I am one that always thought I appeared more intelligent the less I said. Socially this quality may be intimidating to those around you which may lead to a retreat on their part. That does not make you unapproachable, however, but may limit interaction with only those that are attracted to the quiet, mysterious types. And those could be the “fun” ones. But I digress.

I respect and understand your desire to “bond” and to find close, intimate relationships. It is who we are. We are created to be social creatures. If our personalities and comfort levels create isolation, this could create internal conflict and may be the frustration you feel. However, a change in this area will demand you leave your comfort zone.

Perhaps you should identify why this “disturbance” exists. Why is there the need to change who you are and have become over 27 years? Have you specifically identified what you are seeking? If this new approach to socializing is to find a spouse, it may never be comfortable. You could be 130 years old and still not be at ease when asking a member of the opposite sex out on a date. If your desire to change is largely due to a need to be more approachable or social, you may want to consider different organizations or clubs which promote similar passions as yours, such as music. You can find a club or social group on just about anything.

In the final analysis, you may not be the one that needs “fixing”. It may all come down to what you have identified as being important and a priority in your life. Please respond by identifying the five most important values in your life. I will be anxious to follow up on your choices. Thanks for sharing.

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