Baby by man other than husband
My husband and I had a time last summer where he left, took off his wedding ring and wanted a divorce. His reasons disnt have very much to do with me and were more influenced by outside sources. Many people were telling me he was having a workplace affair. During that time he moved out. I was incredibly lonely and coped by drinking, which I don't usually do. At one point I blacked out and believe I may have been taken advantage by a flat mate
I told my huaband about this incident the next day and he just brushed it off. My husband and I have one child together, and mid month, during this month that he decided to leave, we had celebrated our son's 1st birthday. My husband and I had sex that night, but afterwards he said that he hated me, sex didn't change his feelings and that he didn't love me anymore. He continued to fo without wearing his wedding ring. I was so lonely and confused. I had started talking to an ex. We met up. Had a couple of drinks and talked a lot. It was supposed to be platonic, but we ended up having sex. I felt horrible after. A few days later I met up with another male friend drank heavily and had sex with him too thinking I could just have sex and make the pain go away (I have never had expierenced cheating before this, though I have been cheated on by my husband). I felt even worse after.
I told my huaband about my infidelity that same week and he just brushed it off as if I were saying things to be spiteful. I tried to talk to him about it but things were so bad between us that he just was impossible to speak to. Soon after, I found out I was pregnant. I figured it must be my husband's baby because hes the only one that I was with unprotected.
I got a prenatal paternity test done at 10 weeks pregnant, behind my husbands back, by sending in samples of his dna (toothbrush), my blood and buccal swabs from my other two partners just to be sure. I didn't tell my husbans I was doing this because things were VERY sensitive as it was. The test came back 99.9 % probability that the baby was my huabands.
Once I got the results, I told him the truth about everything. We decided to keep the baby and try to work things out. We moved and set up our new home eagerly anticipating our daughter's arrival. When she was born, her blood type wasn't a genetically poasible match to the combination of my blood type and my husbands (we are both O. She was B+). We had a secondary paternity test done and this test said there was no way she was my husband's.
We are both very upset. We both have very mixed feelings about the baby. Shes innocent in all of this, but she is biologically not the little girl we were expecting. She is still my daughter though and it hurts when he is detached from her, because I need him to be strong. I am trying to be strong and love her too... But this situation is really hard. Though my husband has said he would be there no matter what, he doesn't think he can raise another man's baby. We have yet to find out just who her father is because she is only just over 2 weeks old.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
You are most certainly in a bit of a pickle. The question here is do you both really love each other and want to work on your marriage?
I'm almost certain that some one will come along here and offer good advice.
my suggestion is to not persue who the father is since he only used you for sex. did he stealth you, use a leaky condom or you let him do you raw? seems you are responsible for this child and should nuture her in your current marriage without introducing a third wheel or raize her as a single mother unless you can get into a stable relationship with the real father.
it appears your current marriage will not last long due to your infidelity and him having no feelings for you
This is an incredibly distressing story with hardship and suffering for many. We are created to be within family units and when this structure is dismantled regardless of who may be at fault, it is life changing.
I concede and understand your loneliness and your coping mechanisms regardless of the potential and past harm from them. From your post, you acknowledge past mistakes and “firsts” that seemed to intensify the struggles not better them.
You ask for advice which I normally decline to give because often I’m wrong. However, perhaps together we can explore your options and their potential consequences to help make a decision regarding your future and that of your children. At this point I think it should be noted that the only ones who are totally innocent of any of the tribulations and harms are your children and given the chance will love you unconditionally!
So one option is to stay with your husband, if he is willing. This would require unconditional forgiveness from both of you of the other. There is also the stated chance that your husband can only love one of the children.
Another option is to identify the father of your daughter and ask him to become the father of both children and become your husband. This individual needs to love both children equally also. It appears that neither man has put you and your children first in their lives at this point. Both were willing to engage in a sexual relationship when you were most vulnerable. I’m sure it was very pleasurable for them, but harmful to you.
Perhaps another option is to become self reliant. Apparently no one has earned to right to be your husband and father to your children, yet. Consequences of this decision would be demanding of you but could also be extremely gratifying and give emotional stability and confidence which may be precisely what your family needs. Eventually one of these men or perhaps someone yet known will have earned (earned being the operative word here) the right to be with you and your children. Your self reliance and gained wisdom may be crucial in this judgment.
Other choices exist and I would love to discover those with you. Please share those thoughts with us and allow us to explore those consequences, both good and bad. Thanks for sharing some very difficult times in your life. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
DEVASTATED maybe your apprehensive or reluctant to respond . If you are we understand and if you do read these replies we hope they are helpful to you.