Son's drug use has split my family
Trying to be brief! My son, who is now 30, has been plagued by drug use since a young age. I have tried to support him through recovery whilst still caring for my elderly mother and doing as much as possible for my 3 daughters and their families. Last October one of my daughters stated that if I had any more contact with my son they would disown me.All I did was buy food for his dog and that was it, no contact since then.I had a new grandson 3 months ago. I've not seen him and was worried sick when he went into hospital on two occasions for operations. I still have a relationship with my eldest daughter and she has now been 'cut off'. Her two daughters(my eldest grandchildren)still have a relationship with me. Christmas and birthday presents and cards have been returned. The whole situation is so painful and traumatic. All my children had a loving and caring upbringing.Anyone had a similar situation. Would you try and make contact if you were me?
I am really sorry for that..Sometimes our family becomes ungrateful, it must be really painful for you. I think they were jealous and sick7tired of your son´s addiction and now they are treating you like this because they think something like "take care of your fav child, we dont need you" it is a selfish and jealous behavior
It's not the done thing to be dictated to by family members while you, as a parent, trying to assist another member regardless of the circumstances. However, people need to understand that it's a question and personal opinion, as to whether you should or can support a drug addict/user. Respectfully, your son needs to overcome his addiction by himself but that doesn't mean that you have to disown him and it can be a fine line as to what sort of support you give him because some of the support that you(as a parent)feel that you need to give him, can be the most detrimental to his situation without you realizing it.
Your daughter basically has every right to choose not to support him but she has no right whatsoever to demand that you stop supporting him, unless of course your safety, and your family's, is in question. For her to go that far as to return Christmas gifts etc tells you that she possibly is being influenced by others, particularly when you describe her upbringing. She needs to realize that, just as your relationship with your son and her brother is important to the structure of your family, your relationship with her and her children has the same importance. While she denies you and her children contact with each other, she creates another division within the family. In other words, her actions contribute further to an already difficult and sad issue. She needs to work with you and negotiate with you, rather than against you, whatever the outcome turns out to be.
If you have not done so already, you need to contact a professional counselor who deals with drug addiction and it's ripple effect on the family structure, who can advise you the best course of action.
You have a great deal of insight and thank you for your reply.I think you are absolutely correct about one of my daughters (the one who has 3 of my grandchildren)possibly being influenced by her partner. I think he may also be influencing my other(single) daughter. He is a very manipulative young man. I will indeed consult outside help and support.You have certainly helped me to think about not shouldering all of the blame, which I have done for the last 8 months.Thank you also for the facts you have succinctly pointed out and which I can take away and think about constructively, instead of my mind constantly going around like a concrete mixer!LOL (have to try and retain a sense of humour)
You'd never believe the life we all had together until all of this, in spite of my son's problem and me being a single parent for many years so thank you very much and with your help I can now follow a different path.
Thank you for sharing this difficult time with us. Family is incredibly important for a variety of reasons. When someone we love takes this connection from us it is confusing and painful.
I have not been in a similar situation as you ask, but I do sympathize and perhaps we can explore some options. You ask if I would attempt to make contact with my family if in a similar situation. My answer is yes, but not continually.
If your daughter will not take your phone calls, perhaps a letter would be helpful. That would allow your daughter to read the letter while maintaining her estrangement. This could be helpful. Are you aware of why your daughter would not want you to engage your son? Does your daughter think you are enabling your son? Is there some animosity between your son and daughter that you may not be aware of? This may not be about you. Hopefully you can ask these questions in an attempt to neutralize her bitterness. However, do not expect a response. Pray for one and be sensitive to every little opening that would exact some interaction on your part with your daughter. She may be attempting to reconnect while maintaining her pride.
Until you have a better understanding of why your daughter wants her mother to choose between a son and daughter, your relationship with her may be difficult.
Keep us informed on this progress and I will keep you in my prayers.
So sorry for everything that you are going through, Relationships are always hard to deal with, Your doing your best, Have grace on yourself, Remain calm even when everything else seems like a crises around you, I believe Restoration can happen again, You are not in this alone, God is with you and for you, His peace can guide you every step of the way, Relax and take a deep breath, Know this you have people willing to help you and walk with you through this time.