I feel lost
RINGOPARKER - Jun 21 2017 at 19:08
It took a while for me to search and find a decent forum, but finally I found this and I will try to explain my situation.
I feel I am a failure.
Simple as that, I feel like I am not capable of doing something right in my entire life.
I will try to start with the begining. First of all, I am 30 years old male. I finished school in 2011 and finally got a job one year later. I struggled a lot to find something. All of the interviews I had were poor, I did not manage to impress. But one year later I found a job in the press. It was my all time dream, but the money was really poor, really really poor. I managed to survive with the help of my parents. Before I will go any further I want to add that I finished schoo, college and got my MBA into Communications and Public Relations.
I spent the next 5 years with this bad paid job, going into different relashionships, with different women, that ended bad for me and living with my parents. To add to that, I wrote two books that flopped on the market, so things were bad for me. In 2015 I met this girl, she came after all of the nonsense with different women. She managed to be what I needed all my life. Somehow you get lucky and find that person that you know will always be there for you, no matter what. Poor, rich, does not matter how, she will love you forever.
We are together since that day so this weekend we are going to finally move in together (we were living together almost 5 days of the week). Going back to my professional life, in february I've quited my job after 5 years in the media where I never got even 1euro raise. I gave up and started looking for jobs. No idea how, why, luck, but got at interview and a job offer from a PR firm on the first date. The money were excelent, cvatruple the cash I per month as a journalist. It was a small firm, just 2 women and me. Both moms, bot older. One is 33, the other 40 (the boss).
The first month was ok. Was very different for me because of the rhythm, but I tried to get the hand of it and worked my ass off. The working hours were until 6, I rarely left at that hour. It was 6:30, 7, etc. The younger collegue is on panic mode all the time so I was really afraid to ask her stuff regarding my job. I was afraid because of her reactions. The months past and I realise that we really have almost nothing in common. We are different on every single stage, from concepts too ideas and values.
Now, last week I did two mistakes, there were not critical, because it was checked and solved before it left, but put me in a bad light. Now, today, the boss asked me to come earlier to have a chat. She said she that it seems like we are on different pages. She accused me that in the lunch break I went to the bank instead of printing something and asked the younger collegue of mine to do it, then, I failed to put her on a mail in CC (stupid right?) She said that I act arrogant around her, that she feels I am not involved. I tried to explain her that I am trying, I am really trying, but to I have no idea if she understood me.
From monday I will be again in a probation period. The following day I am moving in with the woman I love I might lose my job, my first real-real job.
The moments I am writing these post I am crying my heart out, alone, in my room. I am trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me, why can't I have a decent job, why all this stuff happens. WHy do I settle, why the hell I am not motivated job related, with no hunger to reach a different level, to become better and better.
I feel lost, I feel like I am a failure, I feel like I am not capable of integrating in job related groups because I am either too stupid, or I am arrogant and I am Mr. Know it all.
I am tired, I feel a pain in my chest. I feel sad.
She will be there for me, no doubt about that, but she is living along side a failure that can't do anything right.
Well the good news is you still have this job presently, and you also have a girlfriend now. Those are both very positive things. And when you don't have one or the other, the impact is rough. But it's always comforting to know there are other jobs, and other people out there.
You could still turn things around at work, and I would maybe try to ask the other two when you have questions about work. I don't know what kind of reactions you're afraid of getting, but you don't want to barge ahead and cause more problems if you're unsure of something. Your boss said you seem arrogant, so the thing you should do is not take chances now.
I think if things do not work out well at this job, maybe consider that there are other kinds of jobs, and maybe you would enjoy doing something else more.
Things usually don't work out with women, so if this should also fail, don't blame yourself. That happens to everybody. If it keeps on working for the both of you then great, you have a happy relationship and someone who you can come home to. I just wouldn't put every ounce of your faith into another person. Put you first.