Is she fake?
ARIES 68 - Jun 23 2017 at 20:34
New to this forum, but need some advice.
I started a new job in 2006 and a colleague started 4 months after me. We worked together on and off and was always very sociable to each other and got on well.
In 2010 I realised that we seemed to have got a lot closer and worked together on a more regular basis. We would message each other all the time in / out of work, evenings and weekends.
We found ourselves confiding in one another and supported each other with all good and bad aspects of our life's.
I have been let down before so was a bit reluctant to let her in completley but after a couple of years of her persistant pounding she promised and reassured me she would never let me down. So I opened up and she supported me through some very emotional times in my life and for that I will always be greatful. I also was always there for her.
She called me her special friend but would never admit this in front of other co workers, which I couldn't understand. She would almost go out of her way to make it look like we were only colleagues and nothing more. We never really socialised much out of work but if arrangements were made she would nearly always bail at the last minute.
She spent the whole time promising me all the things we would do together but never went through with them, but seemed to have great pleasure in telling me what a great time she'd had with other friends.
One several occasions she would message me and ask if she could call me later as she needed to talk to someone so I would cancel plans for make sure I was always around then I never heard from her.
The messages she sent would always say how much she thought of me.
She has a very odd relationship with other colleagues as she tells me how much she dislikes them, although one told me she also sends them lovely messages. I confronted her about this but all I got told is that I mean more to her than them.
Some days at work she's either all over me or doesn't say a word in front of others. If we're on our own she wants to hug and tell me all her problems as she knows I would never mention anything to anyone else.
She doesn't like me talking to others and can be quite sarcastic when I do, saying " I SEE YOU WITH YOUR FRIEND ".
When I confront her she says she didn't realise that she has upset me and that she thinks the world of me and how precious I am to her, this makes me feel very guilty.
She makes me feel as if she's embarrassed to be seen with with me in and out of work when anyone is around. If we do meet up it has to kept a big secret from others, I feel as if this isn't a friendship it's a closeness of convenience as I will always keep her business to myself.
I think so much of her but she really does break my heart, do I pull away or not ?
As with everything in life, you need to look at her actions and not listen so much to her words. While you are loyal to her, she basically has you on a controlling string and your feeling of being close for the convenience is spot on because it's your gut talking to you. She has promised to never let you down, but she has been from day one, her actions tell you this.
Thank you,I appreciate your reply.
I know what I have to do but will find this very difficult as I keep hoping she's going to change.
I have also realised she only really has time for people of a certain standard and I oboviously don't fit that criteria.
It just proves how naive I've been.
What are you expecting from your friendship, Aries 68? I can't tell if it's love or not - you have known this girl for over 10 years, and so far it sounds like you view her as a best friend more than anything. Is that correct?
People of a certain standard... Is she sort of snobby? Well, it's unfortunate a lot of people are that way. Did it always seem like your friendship was an equal thing? Did she listen and help you as much as you listened and helped her?
I actually know of a person sort of like this, who behaves this way with a friend of mine. My thinking is she is very possessive and gets jealous easy, and is more immature than she lets on. I can't tell if she talks to my friend out of familiarity, out of friendship, out of regularity to keep her own secrets safe, or because she really thinks she can change him somehow and it's a challenge to her.
One other thing I notice in the relationship between my friend and this girl, is that he may also have some problems of his own that keeps the friendship from going anywhere. His own tendencies to be selfish and not always a great friend are things this girl has seemed displeased about in the past. Is it possible that you didn't do enough to earn her deepest friendship over the years? Did you make too many conversations segue into talk about things which you are passionate about but she is wholly disinterested in, or not give her enough room to share her own thoughts and feelings? Friendship is just as much about take as it is give.
It really sounds like this girl is incredibly smart. She is very sarcastic and elusive about things, and knows how to make you feel guilty. Is she being passive-aggressive, do you think? Why would she do that?
At a certain point in a friendship, you can either choose to expose yourself more and search for better answers, or else accept that your friendship with this person can only go so far - and either revert to being simple acquaintances, or else keep your friendship 'locked in' at this level that it has always been locked at.
I'd just like an honest and equal friendship.
I think of her as a good friend.
Referring to her being snobby, I know she once had a much better financial outlook but things have changed for her and she still likes to try and keep up with the Jones's. She knows I'm not like that and to me she acts like material things don't matter but I think they are very important to her, she has lost a lot of her old friends as she no longer fits in with their wealth and lifestyle.
So I do agree with you and think she is passive - aggressive, at times she seems resentful, angry and envious underneath, complaining about being unappreciated especially by her family and other friends.
I have talked to her several times about this as I'm convinced she needs to seek professional help, I've told her she has lost her spark and is a very different person to the one I first met.
I have always told her and remind her on a regular basis that I'm always there for her.
As for a friendship that's a two way Street I can't honestly remember the last time she asked me how I was as all we talk about is her and her problems and in her own words she says " she goes on and on ". So yes I do give her enough room to share her own thoughts and feelings?