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I'm confused...

Posted by
J8
on Jun 27 2017 at 21:15
Member since: 27 June 2017
Relationship advice I've been completely trashed by my spouse. We have problems and have been keeping it to ourselves. He vented and completely trashed me. By the time he tried to say anything to my defense, the damage was done. The only way I could explain my actions in defense would be to trash him too. I know he has been through a lot and I just can't do that to him. I am really upset over the loss of relationships because of this. I hate that people see me in such a negative way now. I feel so ruined that sometimes I feel like I don't want the relationship anymore.

I'm confused...

Reply from
THEGUEST
on Jun 28 2017 at 22:20
Member since: 28 June 2017
to be fair, that is a horrible thing to do on his behalf, and all you can do without being too harsch is (in my opinion, please use any advice with caution) to defend yourself.

How?

The first thing is to ask yourself, people see you differently because of him running his mouth, if there are problems they usually come from both sides.

As you don't want to bash him, put him on the spot and make him talk to the people and explain that he was venting and the issue is not yours to bear, every relationship struggles from time to time. So people should understand.

the second thing would be to distance yourself, if you cannot trust him with your privacy, and you risk losing your friends/social life because of it, is he good for you? In essence, is it good for you to stay with him?

I'm confused...

Reply from
SILVARION
on Jun 28 2017 at 23:14
Member since: 28 June 2017
Hello,

In my personal experience, in my previous relationship (almost 9 years of living together), I woke up one day feeling that I was not "walking through happiness" anymore. And don't get wrong, we went through a lot of stuff, including a couple medical crisis that tested our love for each other. So I decided to talk with my mate and told her how I felt. I told her that I wanted to leave because we were looking in different directions. Her interests grew apart from mine, and thus it made no sense to stay together any longer. (We had no kids for the same reason. From the start we thought of it as a temporary relationship).

I think you have to ask yourself if the balance with this person is positive or not. We all get frustrated, we all want to vent out our "bad" feelings at some point, but we breath and think about it twice. Then we go to our partner and talk to them and try to figure out a good solution for both. The family problems must be solved inside the family first. If they are not solved, then you can ask (as a couple) for professional counseling.

Now, a very important point here: How people "sees" you is their issue, not yours. If they trust his words more than your actions, so be it, you don't need judges in your life... Nobody needs them.

What he has been through, you can understand it, you can help him to a certain degree, but if he feels that he can't control his temper, then he has to go look for professional help. You don't have to "sacrifice" yourself in order to "make him happy".

When you get in a relationship it must never be to make somebody happy or expecting that someone will make you happy. It must be because you both want to share your happiness with each other.

So, I would say:

1.- Think about you. Define exactly how you're feeling and listen to your inner voices. If you feel like you don't want the relationship anymore, remember you're not glued to him. and you're free to decide to walk a different path.

2.- Make 2 lists: "I like that he..." and "I don't like that he...". Then see which list is longer or has more emotional weight, then the decision should be fairly easy.

3.- Talk to him and tell him how you're feeling. Don't expect him to "guess"how you feel, because it maybe obvious for you, but not for him.

Last, but not least, remember that is always better to break up thoughtfully than waiting until you explode and run away out of frustration, fear or anger.

And always think twice!

I hope this helps you.

I'm confused...

Reply from
ANOTHER VIEW
on Jul 8 2017 at 23:35
Member since: 06 November 2016
if you are unhappy and he has made others see you in a way that is not fair, not true, invasive for your privacy, gossipy or very negative; separate and give yourself time away from him; you will know then if you need this jerk or not.

if you cant talk about things your relationship doesn't sound that strong (however long its been) and you should ask if you are good for each other still.

maybe you should trash him and give him a taste of how it really feels to be made a total fool of and see how he likes it.i suspect he doesn't even think you capable of doing that and so is relieved that he can get away with it and manipulate you in subtle ways

I think the damage he has been venting about you is too late to try to put right sadly with other people! the problem is that because others have got involved and made their opinion on what he's said may have probably also spread gossip and stirred things up for you because of him, it just highlights even more how his own motives and immaturity are part of how he deals with things that don't go his way.

he sounds as immature and not that bright to stop and talk before he rujns his mouth off to people all keen to back stab others.

it may be that quite a few of those people who have added to the gossip about you or added to the problem he's created in trashing your reputation and social relationships will still be enjoying the gossip and problems between you if that is the case they wouldn't listen to what you want to say or put right anyway, they would just enjoy the drama all over again and add to your ongoing problems and make up their own versions to keep the negativity they clearly enjoy alive

(how old are all of these people), I guess they are not young!!!!!!

very immature if they are treating you badly and siding with his emotions that don't give all of the facts except display his anger and wish to attack you.

so many people these days don't seem to have minds of their own anymore, its quite sad, they are so influenced by what others think and say even in jokes or throw a way lines that will put others down to hide their insecurities, and so they just accept things that are told to them often without knowing the facts, the truth of the situation or more shockingly they dont really know the people they are gossiping about (but they think they know);!!!

they sound just as immature and as insecure as your spouse sounds.maybe you are better off without the rumour spreaders or people that believe him.

if someone loved you would they trash you and spoil your relationships with others against you or spread rumours or try to insinuate things about you? that doesn't sound like true love, it sounds like a partner a huge ego that falls back on manipulating control when they feel threatened.

is there anything you like that about this man that is more than just what you feel you should expect from this relationship? only you would know that, if there is any doubts that he can give you true love that is lasting in the future and you know for sure that you want to spend the rest of you life with him, then walk away; and don't feel bad about it.

it might help others see what he really is like if you walk away too, they might respect you and start to think this girl isn't going to be treated like this and it might help you think about the sorts of people you want in your life, including him and them), if there isn't truth in all of what he has vented or spread around then again think seriously about if you want to be around an immature muck spreader all of your life.

those that care for you will stand by you and support you always without any second thoughts . those that believe him and he himself don't sound as though they are worth your time I'm afraid.there are loads of great men out there, so why waste anymore time on him. the damage has already been done!!!! that is the part that is the worst thing here.but its not too late for you to take him and kick him to the curb.

maybe a good trashing would teach him a lesson! but as you've already said that isn't what you want, so take some of the control back in this and leave this jerk for a while. he wont be so cocky im sure or vocally stupid (hopefully) in the future, regardless of whether you decide you want this person in the future or not.

I just don't think you are that compatible from what you say. sorry! I wouldn't give someone like this my time, but in order to learn from this, you need to work on your innabilty to communicate also, as I fear that your not being able to talk as a couple has enabled him to trash you as badly as he has. maybe you should go and find a real man, not some petty individual that is immature and vengeful.

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