Teen depression / anxiety / sexuality and friendship break-down
I'm 17 and I suffer from depression and anxiety; I see a counselput about it and I am receiving support.
I have this friend who is openly gay, she helped me through a really confusing time when I wasn't sure if I was also attracted to girls as well; to cut a long story short, I did develop feelings for her but I know I would have never acted upon them because I'm not comfortable with the idea and need to accept whatever I am at my own pace.
Recently I've been really bad again. When I'm 'bad' I am hard to love; I seek constant reassurance I am wanted and I always need things to be repeated - it's not something I'm proud of but I can't change it, as much as I would like too. To make matters worse, a relative of mine died recently and we have also had our exams at school so my head has been all over the place - my general low feeling has hit rock bottom, I'm ashamed to say and not long ago I felt the lowest I'd ever felt for a very long time...
I was in a bad place and was talking to my friend, asking her if we were okay and if we were still alright. She got annoyed at me (I don't blame her rlly) and became snappy and I snapped at her because I'd felt I was more like an option to her, her last resort when her other friends were too busy. Since then, I have apologised and tried to make things right because I do genuinely value our friendship but it has not gone well...
She's been messaging me telling me how she doesn't want me in her life anymore because she knows I like her and I act differently around her; I have since admitted I did really like her at one point but explain I'm not comfortable with myself yet and I certainly do not like her now; she's been talking to other people and they've told her I like her and whilst we do have a rocky path that could be perceived as such I have told her time and time again I do not but she doesn't believe me. She also proceeded to berate me for my mentality which again I apologised for and I do understand it's not her job to put up with it but it is something I'm trying to control with help.
I feel so alone. My other close friend is dusgusted with her behaviour and is telling me to enjoy the fact she's cut me off; she believed I was being used for some time but idk I really liked this friend (platonically) and I was always there for her, always made a point of making sure she was okay and I did everything for her.
I just don't know what to do; I've never had a friendship end like this and especially not one I want to sustain. I hate myself for coming out as unsure because I feel like had she presumed I was straight non of this would have happened; it feels like my mental illness is ruining everything around me and I'm scared I'm no good and I'm scared my other friends might do the same. All I want to do is make them happy and sometimes I feel like if I just cut myself off from them they'd all be better because then they wouldn't have to worry about me 'liking' them or me and I wouldn't annoy them with my need for constant reassurance. All these faults I so desperately want to change and I can't - I've tried everything.
I just feel very very low and the moment and I came on her for some advice, maybe reassurance? At the moment everything seems so hopeless and I feel like a bad person and I am trying to tell myself things will fall into place but it's so hard to imagine that at the moment.
I am so sorry to hear you are dealing with depression and anxiety. My daughter had to deal with this and it is very challenging. Have you seen a physician or psychiatrist to confirm the diagnosis and perhaps prescribe some medication? If you are dealing with clinical depression, no matter how hard you try to overcome it with will power, you may not be able to.
Despite your feelings of depression you have demonstrated some very responsible and mature decisions regarding your sexual relationships. Accepting who you are at this point in your life is very truthful and honest. To force a homosexual, bisexual, or heterosexual position on yourself when you are not ready, could be a relational tragedy. You are only 17. You have so much time to determine your identity and establish who you were made to be. It is a process that takes many, many years for most of us.
True friendship comes with accepting you where you are now, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, and socially (sexually) while helping you find solutions to unwanted feelings or issues. Friends are there for the good times and the bad. After all, isn’t that what you are trying to be with them? Try being patient with others who may be focused on their own needs while maintaining your own values and principles. Continue to be their friend even when it may be difficult for them to be your friend.
You are not alone. You will never be alone no matter how it may feel to you. You have us on this forum, and all those who are and will be with you where you are now and later!
Please continue to keep us informed on your progress and your healing. Together, we can always explore possible solutions to any problem.