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I'm so torn and tortured by this relationship of 4 years!

Posted by
on Jul 6 2017 at 15:57
Member since: 06 July 2017
Relationship advice forum category advice forum category Dated bf over 4 years after losing my husband of 27 years. I was a mess the first 2 years dating bf but he pulled me through it and I knew him for 25 years before and he knew my husband as well.

I've always wanted 1 man to ultimately marry. After the 2nd year I learned of bf lying including his finances. Turns out he has no savings and didn't earn much. I have a great job, nice home and good amount of savings but need to take care of myself and my 2 children.

He is 65 and I'm almost 60. There is great passion despite the turmoil.

After learning of his lies I broke up with him a few times but somehow we reconciled. During the breakups I met another man who is wonderful, financially stable and loving but there nearly as much of passion.

Recently he lost his job but is applying for another he expects to get however, it pays very modestly.

He has no assets because he lost his business over 10 years and was convicted of check kiting.

I know I need someone who is financially responsible and settled and my prior bf now says he will get a job and then wants to marry me quickly and move in my house. I know he really loves me and wants to spend his life with me but I'm so scared he will be a financial responsibility and that would tear me apart.

Should I finally break it off? I can't go on this way...I feel like I'm losing my mind!

Reply from
on Jul 6 2017 at 16:59
Member since: 28 June 2017
Hello SOCONFUSED12345,

Let's split this into 3 sections:

1.- You


The most important person here is you. You don't need a man by your side to be OK and be happy. It's always to have somebody to talk to and somebody to cuddle with, I agree. But you got to be with someone because you "want to", not because you "need to"

2.- Boyfriend


I totally get that you required support and help after your loss. I understand your gratitude towards your BF for giving you hand there, but you have to know that you don't owe him anything. So, if a relationship is making you suffer, it's time to make a review and see if the balance is positive or not. The decision, at the end of the day, is always yours. Just think about yourself, your health and your sanity.

3.- New Guy


There's not much info about him, but you should consider taking any steps carefully and taking what he says with a grain of salt. What you have to find out is if he's reliable and if there's genuine interest in you.

So, I would recommend to take your time. Take off for a few days, go somewhere by yourself, enjoy time for you. Give yourself a couple gifts and feel blessed for who you are and where you stand. You're a wonderful woman and you will always have your children to share great times and give and receive enormous amounts of love.

Once you're shining by your own means, you'll become a beacon that attracts that somebody that will want to share time with you in the same way you want to share it.

I hope this helps.

Reply from
on Jul 6 2017 at 17:01
Member since: 06 July 2017
Thanks so much!
Reply from
on Jul 6 2017 at 23:18
Member since: 28 June 2017
If you have any questions, just post them.

I'll be around on a regular basis to try to keep the conversation alive and help you as much as I can. :)

Reply from
on Jul 8 2017 at 14:46
Member since: 04 July 2017
Hello there! From your description everything revolves around money. I don't know what kind of system is in your country but here in Finland a relationship is not based as much on the financial ernings. Of course money is important but not decision-making kind, when it comes to find your loved one. Probably he was lying cos he know how important money is for you. I understand you have a good job and you don't want him to be a financial burden and is understandable but maybe he is going to rough times since he lost his job. Does he ask for money from you or expects to support him on long term? Or is just through some rough time? For me a relationship means you have to be there for one another through good times and bad times. For when the sun is shining everyone is with you but when the times are bad you learn who cares for you. I understand from the beginning he was there for you being supportive. Ultimately you have to decide what is important to have in your life, love and be emotional stable or a financial free problem relationship ( in which case I suppose you want to find a well established man, same financial status like yours). Good luck in finding the right path!
Reply from
on Jul 8 2017 at 21:31
Member since: 07 May 2015
Hello, I just wondered do you love either of the men? or are you purely looking for someone to look after you and your children financially (do they still live with you?) I know you said you have a good job, and a nice house and savings so are you worried that's why your bf is there? he knows you are financially comfortable and it would be a 'free' home for him. Why does he want to marry you 'quickly? and do you want to marry again? Could he be afraid that if he doesn't, you two may split up again, so marrying quickly is better for him perhaps. And you say you know he loves you but you don't mention any love for him.

You are unsure and confused so I don't think I would be doing anything quickly if it were me and you know life is short, ask yourself would you be happy being with either of these men because I think you know what you want already but perhaps a bit apprehensive to follow your instinct.

best of luck whatever you decide

Discussion closed - why not create your own thread?