Do I move back to abusive mother or stay with my abusive gran?
BUTTON - Jul 10 2017 at 21:39
I'm in my last year of university so within the next 4 months I will be completely independent.
My mother and I have always had a rocky relationship. For the first 15 years of my life she was never around. She was addicted to cocaine for a very long time and tried to give me up to complete strangers on a couple of occasions. If it wasn't for my grandmother I would've spent most of my life in and out of foster homes. My mother eventually got clean, earned her degree and now has her Master's in special education but we still never really mended our relationship.
My mother has a tendency to be emotionally abusive. She believes that my accomplishments are her accomplishments and on many occasions she has told me that I am nothing without her. She truly believes that I am merely an extension of her. She is manipulative, controlling and becomes extremely explosive the moment I don't do exactly what she expects (which is often because, well, I'm my own damn person). She has told me on multiple occasions that I was a mistake, she's told me I'm pathetic, called me a bitch (she saw me speaking to my gay friend and assumed that we must be dating) and she invalidates my feelings quite often. The list goes on.
My (maternal) grandmother on the other hand was always around, but I have my fair share of issues with her too. She raised me and I remember her making me feel completely insignificant. When I needed help with homework she would become extremely impatient and call me stupid for not being able to understand something. Being a child, I was sometimes naughty and she would hit me so hard that I'd have bruises that would last for weeks. She once pinned me against a wall with a broomstick and threatened to kill me because I I used some of her makeup without her permission (I was 9). She called me a " dirty little trollop" on one occasion because I wore lipgloss (I was about 8 and my friend and I had a teaparty, we were literally just being little girls). She claims that nothing of the sort had ever happened and I think she truly believes it.
A couple of months ago my mother and I got into an argument because she stole my phone and read all the text messages. I confronted her about it, she denied it and then disowned me and told me that I needed to leave. I complied and moved to my grandmother's but she (my mother) was absolutely ugly about it.
My grandmother is perpetually miserable, she's nasty towards my two younger cousins (just as how she was nasty to me when I was their age and it pisses me off). I've grown tired of putting up with her and thrmtime with her has opened up old wounds. She's a passive aggressive snob who thinks she's always right and it wears me down really easily. She also has a tendency to extremely passive aggressive if I don't comply with her.
I'm considering moving back to my mother's just because she lives closer to my friends,the city centre (where I spend most of my spare time), university and the school I intern at, not to mention there is way more space for my dog to roam around. I figure if I'm going to put up with miserable people I might as well do it in a place that's more convenient for me (and my puppy).
I don't wish to make decisions in haste and was hoping that someone here could give me some perspective. Given all the above-mentioned issues, should I move back to my mother's or stay put for the next 4-6 months?
(I'm sorry for the informal register and choppy paragraphs, I'm just REALLY tired and desperate for advice)
I'm on a full scholarship and receive an allowance to cover my monthly expenses but things get tight because I can't really afford my transport costs right now as my grandmother lives 40 km away from campus.
Why the "a college student with a dog" line? :-D She's mine and my boyfriend's but she and I are closer so she lives with me instead.
from the looks of it, you're tougher on your mother's side. What I mean is that, naturally, as your mom was not around during your childhood, you created this emotional shell around you towards her figure. I would say it's better for you to move there, thinking about convenience for you and the puppy.
You seem pretty clear that your mom's words are not the truth and aren't even near to be the truth.
You said it perfectly well. You are a complete and individual person. You have your own path, which seems to taking you to a nice place during the next few months.
Endure, focus on what's important and then move by yourself at the first chance you have. You may also consider talking to your friends to see if 2 or 3 of you are able to rent a place for yourselves.
It's a painful path the one you're walking, but you're very strong and you have what it takes to finish it.
Go for your goal, get your degree and and flourish to your own life.
Let us know if you have any other question.
YOU ARE GREAT! Always remember that!
Thank you for your support and kind words SILVARION . :-)
I forgot to mention that my mother and I are working on mending things and she's seeing a psychologist which really seems to be working.
Yay! That's great news!
I'm glad to read that!
I hope everything gets better!
Keep us posted.