Should I cut him out?
I'm a 28 year old, fairly together women, with a house, car, career and a good social life. However, there is a man who has been in my life for 3.5 years. We were together for 6 months before he moved and it got a little bit sour but he's always been in the background and we have had sporadic contact, he knows about the relationships I've had and knows my deepest secrets, he became a kind of diary for me, and has seen me through some really dark times in my life. In a way he saved me. I've always truly loved him and he knows this. He has a temper though and is always quite willing just to cut me out if I say something he doesn't like. We have met up over that time but only casually, when he's been home, I suppose realistically it's been when he hasn't had a better offer.
We have been in contact again since December. He's been away and is returning and we had plans to meet up this Saturday. I feel like he has spent the last 3.5 years playing with my heart, one minute he is lovely and the next doesn't return my texts and ignores me. He tells me he wants to be with me, he even told me he loves me, then He backs off every time we get close. Part of me is saying he's really toxic for me, he probably won't even turn up and he's damaging my self esteem but part of me is dying to see him again. I just don't know what to do anymore and I feel really lost.
Any advise would be great.
it looks like he just wants to keep you there as a backup.
You should work on yourself and leave him alone.
If I wasn't married I would flirt with you. You're a catch! Be confident and let him go. You may be ignoring other options because your sight is solely focused on this guy.
I hope this helps you. If you have any other questions, feel free to drop them here.
Thank you for replying.
I think your right. And foolishly because of him the relationships I've Had in time I've known him have been tainted because he's always been there. In fact even more stupidly I've ended relationships at his request. I feel like an idiot to be honest. But you live and learn I suppose,
Hey, don't be so hard on yourself.
You're nowhere near foolish or idiot. So, take it easy. As you said: We're on this World to learn.
Never ever end a relationship at somebody's request. Your relationship is yours and your partner. You can get advice, you can be shown other views, but don't ever let anyone decide that for you.
A friend of mine always says: "If A forces you to chose between A and B, go for B. You will never regret that decision"
You're here because we usually need other people's points of view in order to have new perspectives of our own lives.
Thanks for coming here.
We're here to help in any way we can. So, feel free to keep the conversation going if you feel the need to talk a little bit more.
You are basically his to control as long as you're in contact with him. His actions over a 3.5 year period tell you that he never was the 'real deal'. It's all OK for him to say that he wants to be with you but it's his actions which do all the talking. Sure, there's part of you which is dying to meet him again because he was there for you, but he never was there in a true sense if he walked away from you because you merely said the wrong thing to him.
The man is 'damaged goods' and you're correct, he's damaging your self esteem every time you enable him by letting him back into your life. Move on and find someone who will respect you as you deserve and someone who will love and cherish you as you are.
You sound like you've got it all together and that takes a person who is willing to take on a challenge and finish a "project" to make it happen.
That's great - but not in a love life.
Take off the rose colored glasses! He sounds like a fixer-upper and needs training. And about the last thing you need is a boy with a temper-tantrum.
Consider counseling to see how you can untangle yourself from him and make better decisions on your men. Choose one who allows you to soar. This one will pull you down.
PS What's the 'pull' to him. Sex?
Thank you for your replies. I think you might all be right. I'm
Better off without him, and I just need to put a stop to the games he's been playing with me. The pull for me isn't sex, but think I'm so attached to him because I met him not long after my brother was killed by a drunk driver. He helped me through the dark times I had after that. But that doesn't justify his behaviour now. It's hard to let go of someone who I've held so close for such a long time. But I've been so sad recently thinking that I spent so much time seeing him like and it's hard now I've seen his true colours, if that makes any sense at all.
Yes, it makes sense, but is he what you want for the future?
Be thankful for what he did, when he did, for you. But your "companion needs" are different now, and you need to move on.
You can stop the games by not responding to them the way HE wants. Detach, with compassion, but detach asap.
Your real man is waiting somewhere out there.
I'm so glad I've came on here to talk. All the responses have given me plenty of food for thought. I will detach myself, I know deep down that's what I have to do. I'm actually feeling much more positive having read through all the replies and finally made a decision. Here's to new beginnings. Can't thank you all enough,
I'm so glad we could help!
That's the goal of this forum. Thank you for coming here.
Don't hesitate to come again if you need to talk some more.
Let me tell you the obvious thing that there are a lot of other fish in the sea. The best way you can help yourself is to make yourself forget about this guy who was treating you so bad.
And let me advice you one book which helped me once to recover after terrifying break-up. I've read it and in several months met a good man. Now he is my husband
The link to this magic book is http://findthereallove.com/freebook-fo/
Buy the way, it is for free!