Am I mentally sick?
PIXELS - Jul 14 2017 at 01:02
I'm not sure how to start so I guess I'll just get straight to the point.
I have fought depression for over 3 years (since I was 14), and just recently it got better. It sounds good, but left me a bit worried.
In a matter of a week or less I started being much more happy and positive, I feel very irritable (I used to be almost emotionless when depressed, now I can barely hold my hands to myself when someone is annoying me without trying to hit said person), I stay up at night and get only 5-7 hours of sleep when I used to be tired and unable to focus all the time, sleeping sometimes up to 16 hours in a day, falling asleep in classes. I take long walks at night with my dog and eat one third of what I used to eat before.
I used to have basically 0, or even negative self confidence. Right now it comes to the point when I refer to myself as "The Queen", or think of myself as some sort of Moon Priestess. I am not religious; I have only once prayed to the moon, to have my boyfriend come back, and he did. I think of it as a coincidence - most of the time, that is. There are times when I truly believe the Moon gave me what I wanted, and is a sort of a friend to me. Once this episode stops, I tend to laugh it off.
I've noticed that, when talking with my boyfriend (I only talk to him, so I don't have other people to compare it to), I would change subjects randomly without even realising it; I have only noticed recently when we had a serious conversation (he is struggling with depression himself and has once left me because of it), I started talking about how cool I think peafowl are. He got a bit angry at me, since he was being very emotional at this moment, and this is when I decided to look into if I might have a bipolar disorder (which I have heard about before). After reading some on official psychology and help sites I came to the conclusion that it is possible this may be the case, but I can't be 100% sure.
This is only one thing I have struggled with a lot for a while.
The second is, my imaginary Family I have created when I was around 10. We were fighting a lot in home and so I created a small story about (beware, this is going to be a bit silly) a space captain. His wife was killed and I kidnapped and placed on Earth, while he stayed on his planet with my older brother. I know them both as well as if they were real people.
As a kid I used to imagine them being real and always following me, invisible, because of them having a sort of alien "invisibility cloak" device. I couldn't hear them, but I knew somehow what they were saying. It was a fun little imagination and it persisted for a few years - the situation at my home got better, so I was not needing them anymore.
But stoping imagining them did not make them go away. Right as I'm writing this, there is a constant thought in my head; "THEY ARE IN YOUR ROOM, WATCHING YOU." This made me ALWAYS act perfect, always look good. I AM living a movie. Want to catch me doing something awkward or gross? Won't happen. It goes to the point of dramatizing little things - an example would be me writing this post, while they are having a conversation about how sad it is and how much they wish they could take me and take care of me.
And the worst part is, I KNOW it's made up. But it doesn't make it go away. Is this normal? Does it go away? I'm a bit scared, haha...
The third and the last thing is Him. Him is a sort of persona, an artist who takes control of me over certain situations.
I am a very shy person, a quiet girl at the back of the class, and, unsurprisingly, and artist. I draw, I write stories and poems. A sensitive soul. But I've noticed, that whenever I'm drawing or writing, this weird feeling of "it's not me" lingers in the back of my head. When I create, I become disconnected, almost like a machine. It doesn't always happen; it comes and goes, but when it comes, the best ideas come to mind, lines on paper seem more refined. I have called this state "Him", since it feels apropriate. It also happens in social situations, but not as often. Sometimes it's a strong lust towards my boyfriend (and I'm very shy about those things), suddenly "he" takes over and I'm being very... agressive, if you know what I'm saying. It feels so alien. Or I might just think that everyone (not joking) is checking me out on the street, and suddenly I become a different person; acting in more full-of-myself way, that I would not normally, smirking, looking up to the sky (normally I look down). While I remember doing all this it feels very weird when it's not happening, like it's not fully me, that's why it bothers me.
This is it. All the things worrying me. Am I normal? Is this all okay?
My parents know about the depression, but not anything else. No one does, not even my boyfriend. Maybe I'm just overthinking and it's all normal? I would love if someone answered, I don't know what to do.
You are not ill as long as you will do any thing you can to help your self get better.
You have problems which are difficult to face alone and they might get worse and harm you even more.
As soon as you will start seeing professional therapists, you will get better.
I had similar experience as a kid, i did not know at the time that i had problems and as a result i almost killed my self.
Now i fight my self every day and winning.
I am regretting for not letting some one help me in that time.
But no one have special pills to make you better, drugs or pills are just something to forget the depression but it will return so don't rely on them.
Only you can fight it, with help you will win.
The first answer is no. You're not mentally ill.
What happened is that you, being stronger than you thought, created a support "alter ego" that helped you overcome the obstacles you had at the time. Since those obstacles were present during several years, your relationship with this "imaginary family" strengthened to the point where is hard for you to finally let them go.
You can try talking with them and telling them you're OK and that they can go to explore the space and that you'll call them back if you ever need them again.
Some times, we just need to make the farewell something "real" in order to let these imaginary support figures go.
The artist: Is well known that there are singers (as an example) that can't talk 4 words out of shyness, but then the start singing and they're fabulous. It's just like that. If you feel it's wrong, seek professional help. If not, let it be and use it for your advantage.
About the bipolarity: Professional help is the best course of action in this case, to confirm or deny it as a fact and give you peace of mind.
I hope this helps you.