I need advice I feel as though I am at my breaking point
My boyfriend doesn't care about comforting or making amends for the way he hurt me. He is a recovering addict. He was honest about this from the start and I supported him through relapses. We were doing so well and he had been sober and clean and I saw this as a healthy relationship so we moved in together. Then he used. He swore on our relationship about the amount but I found it was a lie. It sounds petty but he swore on our relationship, looked me in the eyes and lied. The fact that he would swear on our relationship and know it's false makes me feel like I don't mean the same to him that he means to me.
He said he would do anything to make it up to me, so I gave him that chance. The next night we took a walk because I told him I needed some comfort about the situation and we were talking calmly about things. Until I brought up how this breach in trust highlights other events in our relationship and want him to know it's really affecting me. (I have PTSD from being sexually assaulted and serious trust issues because of choosing abusive and cheating boyfriends in the past) up until this point I wouldn't have considered him to be either of those things. But that night I told him calmly it was bringing up things in me and he went off. Yelling at me until I had a panic attack in the middle of the street. And this opened up old wounds and scars and I haven't been okay since. Begging him everyday just to hold me and offer comfort because I need him to help me out of this, but he thinks its my past and he shouldn't be punished for it. That he lied only because he was using and that's the only thing that I have to worry about is him staying sober, but I amDesperately trying to explain I was okay with my past until the night I had a panic attack because of him, and that it's not just that he used but the way he handled it afterwards.
I never thought I would have to feel that way because of him and now I know he's capable of that I don't know if I can stay with him. I wake up every day On the verge of tears because he doesn't want to comfort me or take responsibility for his part of it, then end the day in full face tears because he watches me in pain and doesn't even try to reach out. Tells me he will care if I make it easy for him. Accuses me of having a panic attack on purpose to use it against him. That I cry to manipulate him so he doesn't care. I don't cry unless I am hurt and everyday I am hurt by his actions more. All I want is for him to acknowledge that what I am feeling is real, and care enough to comfort me and support me through it. Nothing in our relationship has been this bad, and I don't think I can stay with him if I feel like he doesn't care when I am hurting, especially when his actions are what broke me down. Like I am only good enough for him when I am happy and okay. I don't even know what I am asking I just need someone to talk to about this.
Realistically, your BF is an addict who has one foot on the hard road called recovery and most likely will be for life. Your choice of supporting him is to be commended but it's all his efforts which will see him succeed and not yours. He has failed on that front so far by using again, and basically, yes, he would lie about it and swear on your relationship together because he doesn't have a choice. His actions tell you that he's not 100% completely clean and that's one reason why he can't be supportive and be there for you as you deserve.
Respectfully, the issues that you have from your previous relationships mean absolutely nothing to him because he simply doesn't want to know about it. You don't need a guy who puts conditions on his care factor for you whether it's easy or not. Just as you have unselfishly supported your BF, your circumstances mean that you need a guy who knows how to treat you with respect and a guy who instinctively knows when and how to listen to you and hear you when you need comforting and supporting...a guy who's actions develop and instill trust in your relationship together rather than cause hurt and misery.
You need to ask yourself what sort of a guy your BF is and if he's capable of caring for you and about you, regardless of his circumstances, and take it from there.