What's wrong with me?
I'm not really sure where to start because we have such history but I don't want this to be extremely long...
I met a guy in late 2011 on dating app. Things seemed great but our relationship ended up turning into a giant disaster and after it ended I didn't hear from him again until I got a message on Facebook in April/May of this year.
We started talking again and honestly it felt like we never lost touch with each other. It was like our feelings never changed, we would text throughout the day and calls were happening every other day if not every day. Then things got weird.
He claims to live with a roommate, who happens to be a woman with a teenage son. At first that didn't bother me because I'm not really the jealous type. But he would tell me things about his roommate that did start to bother me/seemed like cause for concern. Like she would get extremely drunk and throw fits about how she loves him like no one else can and he's to selfish or whatever to see it. She insists on doing things for him that either a mother or significant other would do and our conversations changed. I noticed when he would call she would just appear in his room and a lot of the time he'd end up putting the phone on speaker so we were all 3 having a conversation.
When I spoke up about these things bothering me, things drastically changed. We went from texting throughout the day to exchanging maybe 20 texts a day (which seemed to center around times he was away from her) and our calls dropped to maybe once a week and usually consisted of him calling to vent at me about something she had done. He would tell me that if she found out he was talking to me she would make things at home "hell" for him.
Even worse, I know...as if this could get any more red flags waving. He would start completely ghosting me on weekends. Not even texting at all and if I text him, he does not respond. Then will pick up again on like Monday morning like it was no big deal. I know for a fact, he was going on trips with his roommate. He assured me nothing was going on betweenthem, he was just really stressed and having a hard time dealing with the distance between us.
When I confronted him with all my feelings he got mad at me, threw a fit, attempted to twist it around on me and then didn't talk to me for 2 weeks. When he finally did talk to me I lashed out at him about everything, he tried to say he loved me as if that would fix it and then went silent again for 2 days. Which brings us to date.
I feel like an absolute fool. I do love this man but I do not for the life of me know why. He has done so much to hurt me, has shown he doesn't care about me or my feelings and yet I can't seem to get away. Why is it so hard for me to let go when I know deep down inside the man I believe he is, I know he really isn't. He's shown me who he really is and what I really mean to him. He says one thing but his actions show the complete opposite.
I'm at a loss and I don't know what to do. Part of me feels like I need some kind of closure and part of me feels like this is never-ending. All I know is that this isn't normal and it's definitely not healthy.
Thanks for those of you who made it this far and any advice is appreciated.
If you take the roommate out of the equation, would that change how you view this guy? Regardless of whether he is cheating on you or not, his behaviour is completely unacceptable and he sounds like a rather unhinged individual!
Also, is this relationship ever going to be anything more than long-distance? Will he be moving closer to you, or are you moving closer to him? I've yet to see any long term, long distance relationship work out. I'm really sorry that you're in this situation however, it seems like you know what you need to do, but just need a nudge in the right direction. Go for it!
One thing that you need to learn in life is that, take things at its face value. If he is hurting you or if he is lying to you, believe it. Dont assume that its just this one time. He may be a good person as a whole but if he has a showdy lifestyle or a weird attachment to this room mate of his, then you should take a decision based on it. You have no reason to be ignored or blocked out at. I don't think it is wrong to ask questions about something that doesn't look right or seem right. So if he is pissed about you inquiring about all of this, then that's his problem. You have every right to be sure of what the truth is.
There could be many reasons that he might be doing this and you could probably sit and talk it out with him, once he seems calm enough. But this is only if the effort is worth it. Being in a long distance relationship is always a tricky thing, especially when you have arguments or doubts about each other.
If meeting him in person is an option, then you definitely should do that. Either invite him or go visit him. It will clear all your doubts. Talking to someone over the phone / chats creates a fictional character in your mind and this is a bad thing for yourself. One rule that i always establish with any one close to me or the one that am in a relationship is that there has to be honesty and clarity between the two of us. There can't be a topic where you decide how much i can inquire or how much u wish to share. Ofcourse this rule goes both ways. But the only reason of telling you this is so that you don't feel bad that you are doubting a unknown person.
It is a nice thing that he came back to you after two weeks. But thats only a small plus point. He needs to do much more than that to really convince you to love him back and trust him too. I know very little about what kind of a bonding that you'll have shared in the past. But it is very natural for two people to vent out their feelings when you meet someone or talk someone for the first time. But it only lasts for a very short while, until we realize that there are plenty of things that we don't really match up on.
So do sit back and think about the things that you'll really like about each other. Is he only coming to talk to you because he wants his emotional needs to be filled or does he genuinely want to be with you. Only you would be the best judge about that. I learnt it the hard way that investing your precious time on someone and your feelings too shouldn't be under estimated. There are plenty of good people out there. And at the end of the day you should be happy where you are and whoever you choose to be with.
It is very important that you don't allow him to play mind games with you. The drama that you are experiencing will never end. Every time there will be a newer story and you will keep ending up being upset and at the loosing end. So the first step to all of this is try and meet him in person. If possible, you go and meet him at his place. Eventually if you are really wanting to date this person, you will have to be physically present for each other. So if this all really means something to you and you want to clear your doubts, then you can do that. BUT keep in mind, this step of meeting him should only be entertained if he agrees to behave himself and not play mind games with you. If he thinks that he can get away by not talking to you about his room mate or throw other tantrums, then you definitely aint going to buy into this.
I Understand and know how difficult it is to find someone who likes you or cares for you. But it is always important to safeguard ourselves before letting someone close to you. I do have my doubts about the stories that he has been trying to sell you. I would make sure that he proves himself before you make things normal again. Be stern and confident about yourself.
And about talking to someone uve met on a dating app, i would be doubly cautious about it. The seriousness is always questionable about these people.
It's definitely more than just the roommate issue. This is absolutely not how you treat someone you love and who you claim is your world. I know that yet, here I am. I get mad, I let it out, he doesn't show much emotion but tries to turn it around on me, and somehow I end up caving.
He said he planned to move closer to me and he'd been looking for jobs but honestly I have no idea what has come of that. Moving is not an option for me though because of my job.
Deep down I think you're right, I know what needs to be done. When he ghosts me, which he's currently doing yet again, I have no issues and I'm fine not hearing from him...It's when he decides to contact me again that I end up being weak.
We've met in person tons of times, not recently but when we dated previously. The man he was then is the man that I'm still desperately hanging on to but it doesn't appear he's that man anymore. That man was kind, he showed me he loved me instead of just telling me, we could and did talk about anything even the deep personal things and we had an amazing connection. The man he is now, well, is so angry and distant. He's never been like that with me before. We never really fought, we had arguments but we're always able to talk through it. It's never been like it is now.
I just don't know anymore. He's been so open about some things and I know that a lot of things happened to him when he and I were apart but now I find whenever we argue that I end up being blamed/held accountable for things that women from his past have done even though he admits I have never done those things to him.
He had been looking for jobs near me, he had planned on moving but then with all this ghosting/ignoring me crap I honestly have no idea what came of that.
The man he was when we started talking again was the guy that I remember, the one I fell in love with but then he changed...I don't know what to do. I want it to work but at the same time he has to be willing to put in the effort and he doesn't seem to care too. I'm exhausted. But every time he ignores me I find it hurts less and even bothers me less, it's when he decides to pop up again that I get weak. It's like he knows just what to say so I end up caving even if I don't want too.
I just know everything he has been doing isn't love. This is not what you do or how you act when you really love someone...but yet I'm still here /:
I wish i met someone who was as caring as you are. Am sorry i assumed that you had not met at all. Men tend to be egoistic when it comes to being doubted. So yes, it is a very natural reaction to act this way. I understand that you are at receiving end of this and yes this is not what love should feel like. But after hearing of what your past has been with him, i feel you should give him a little time. He definitely likes you somewhere in his heart, but not enough as a he used to before. A good way for you is to give this is a little more time. It is extremely difficult to watch someone being cold to you after they have meant so much to you at one point of time.
I know you that actions speak louder than words. But keep talking to him. There is something on his mind that has made him feel insecured. I understand your dilemma that the silence between the two of you is killing you. And yes, it not a wise thing to just throw away everything that you have built up so well. A lot of uncertainties about him moving closer to you. But that could also be just because of him not finding the right job and not anything to do with your relationship.
But yes, you might have to also accept a bitter truth too. Maybe he doesn't like you as much as he did before. And maybe he doesn't see you fitting in to his life. A lot of times when we argue, we say things to each other that we don't mean. And thats what has happened here. He is extremely pissed at you but also loves you. Hence he has been acting this way.
If possible, you could probably plan a small trip to go and meet him. I think that time to be with each other will help clear and re-ignite the love that has blown off between you'll.
Thank you. I do care about him deeply and I make it a point to tell him that. Even during the 2 weeks he didn't talk to me, I sent him a text everyday and told him that I loved him and I was here for him if/when he needed or wanted to talk. I didn't push him, nag him, or try to guilt him into talking to me. I get that people need space sometimes to deal with things and that's okay. All I asked is that, because of the distance, he just let me know he was okay so I knew nothing had happened to him...it didn't even have to be an everyday "I'm okay" just every few days, hell even once a week would have been fine. I don't think that's asking too much. It's hard because I know he's got stuff going on but so do I and there's a double standard that he set. If I don't tell him what's going on with me he gets mad but yet he doesn't tell me what's going on with him...and I probably should tell him but I don't want it to seem as if I'm trying to guilt him into talking to me because of what's going on in my life, yah know? I feel like I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place. I'm trying to be patient with him but at the same time, how long do I keep doing this before enough is enough?
I'm the type of person that I do not play games. I make it a point to treat people the way I would want to be treated and if I make a mistake, I own up to it and apolgize. He, however, blames me for everything, even things I didn't do. Then I start to doubt myself, am I doing the right things? Did I do something wrong? I have actually found myself a couple times now apologizing to him for things I shouldn't have because I didn't do anything. But he never apolgizes. Even after ghosting me for 2 weeks, heard nothing from him, all he said to me was he was "sorry for being off in his own little world lately". I just feel like trying to be there for him and chasing him, I'm losing myself. I'm a very confident, independent woman and I don't feel like that anymore. Yet I love him.
I have offered to come see him, I've even offered to pay for him to come see me. He never actually responds, he doesn't say no but he doesn't say yes either...he just says nothing or changes the subject. But then will say something like "what's been going on is easier to explain in person". It's extremely frustrating.
I've even told him before that if he doesn't have feelings for me anymore, it's okay. Sure I will be hurt but I understand and would rather know that than be in this circle of hell stuck wondering. But he assures me that he loves me, I matter to him, and I'm the love of his life....so why does he act like this?
I have more questions than answers and for whatever reason he's not willing to answer anything at this point. I don't know what to do. How long do I keep doing this? How long do I hold on and keep fighting for this before it's time to give in? I feel stuck in a no win situation ):
I am so sorry this is so long and all over the place. It feels good to get it off my chest.
(Firstly am a great listener and i think its best that you explain things in details. It helps me get a better perspective too, so dont worry about the length)
I totally agree to the fact that NO one should play mind games. If he doesn't like you he should be upfront about it and not take you in circles. We all have heard and learnt that a broken wings can never be fixed to its perfection. But we should also understand that these are special circumstances that we are dealing with. He would have not done something like this when the sun was shining.
It is very sweet of you too care for him so much. That you kept messaging him for 2 weeks even though you didn't get any reply back from him. It shows the bonding that you'll actually shared. What i fail to understand is that what has happened so bad that he had to take such drastic steps to turn against you. Unless his room mate has been feeding such things into his minds. Thats why he is playing his cards safely ?
Well either ways, its said that all is fair in war and thats what you are experiencing at the moment. He wants to unleash his frustration on you and he is doing it so by ignoring you. This generally happens when one gets angry.
If he has clearly said that he doesn't want to meet you, so be it. Don't push it. Let him have it his way. It is extremely hurtful to watch someone who loved you so much just change in a blink of an eye. Like we don't matter to them anymore.
I totally agree to you that you need to have some directions. But life generally isn't so clear. It always has its grey patches. If you have tried everything to convince him and still is not wanting to change his behavior then maybe its time for you to give his medicine back to him. Maybe that might get his brains back to where they should be (no offence)
Too much of pampering sometimes is also taken for granted. But yes don't be impulsive about this too. Try and be cold towards him for a while and see how it goes. I know this is not the right advice that i should be giving u right now but sometimes men just don't understand things so easily. They need to be pushed to the limit to see the light.
On a broader perspective, living in anxiety for a longer period of time isn't a healthy thing. I understand that not all relationships will be the same. But at the end of the day when you'll decided to be together you'll knew that this distance will be there and that these things will come up. So maybe try a different approach this time when he speaks to you let him say that he has a problem with this kind of a cold approach. If he feels that this way of talking to each other is alright then you should take note about it and without saying much or explaining yourself, you should mentally set your self that this is where it all ends. You don't need to actually wait to hear the words.
I have no idea what happened. I really don't. I know that he has been drinking which is something I did not deal with previously (the first time around in our relationship-this is new). I know when he gets stressed he can lash out. I've been very understanding and usually I let him vent and then I am able to talk him through it, calm him, and then things are fine again. But this time he won't tell me what's happening or why he's been acting this way. We haven't actually talked on the phone in over 2 weeks. So I have no idea if it's something I did (I don't believe it is but cannot be certain) or if it's due to other factors in his every day life.
He has just changed so drastically and I know that I haven't been perfect. But the communication has dropped, even if I try. He doesn't send pictures anymore. He used to use pet names a lot like babe, love, stuff like that. He doesn't do that much anymore. It's like he's a totally different person. I have no idea if it's because of the roommate, I know he does play the father role to her son...maybe that has something to do with it (added stress or something) I honestly don't know.
We talked this past Friday (through text) and like I said, I lashed out at him about ghosting me and just everything I had been holding back. He barely said anything and really showed no emotion at all. He did say that I wasn't alone, we were in this together but that's it. The next day we talked a little and he did tell me that he loves me, which he hadn't said in 2 weeks. But then Sunday he was back to ghosting me again and I haven't heard from him since. This time I have not talked to him at all, I've made no effort to contact him.
I told him the first time he ghosted me that I would give him his space but I would still send one text daily (and I did) because I didn't want him to feel like I didn't care but I also didn't want to suffocate him either. This time I haven't done that. I'm just exhausted.
Part of it this time is that I've been having some health issues over the past like week and a half. I'm really scared because no one can seem to tell me why this is happening to me or what we do to fix it or even if we can fix it. I'm an athlete, I compete regularly and my job also requires a lot physically as I run a gym. What I can do has been severely limited and I have no idea what this means for my future. I need the support. But he's been silent and while I'm aware that he doesn't know the full details of what's been happening, I know when I was hospitalized (Saturday night) that one of my friends text him and told him. Yet he hasn't asked about it at all, he's been totally silent again. I guess I don't know for sure he got the message as he claims he didn't get a lot of my messages over the 2 weeks he ghosted me but...then again I don't believe he isn't getting his messages. I think he says he doesn't because then he doesn't look like such an ass for not responding. Which is hard for me to come out and say but that's honestly how I feel because I can't think of a valid reason he wouldn't have gotten them and he can't give me a reason for why he wouldn't get them other than "I don't know". He claims to have his phone password protected so no one (like the roommate) can get in so...
I just feel so worn out. I'm scared and yet I feel like I can't focus on myself the way I should be because what's going on between him and I and all the uncertainty surrounding it.
He has reached a point where he doesn't want to deal with anything that is related to you. Imagine him being so cold about the fact that you've had an injury and he wanted to stay away from it. But still he claims that he loves you. Sometimes when you have loved someone so much, it is very difficult for you to explain ur self that you don't love them anymore. Maybe thats the case ? I know that you are doing everything that you should be ideally doing. But this is exactly what he repents now.
He for some reason just sees an image of u retaliating to his problems every time he thinks about you. I understand that you are human after all, there are possibilities of you making an error of judgement. But ideally love should have healed those wounds. It is the revenge mode that is making him act more and more like this. And this wont stop so easily. Not until he realizes what damage he really is doing.
Maybe you are right that the room mate's son does mean a lot to him. But somewhere down the line he will have to decide which sides he needs to be taking. So considering that he is even mad at u about that, somewhere he would have had to choose between u and them.
The way i see this is that you both have had a great relationship when the sun was shining. But for some reasons things aren't going as planned. Every one, including you talk about breaking this relationship up, but are you really sure that you will be able to go through this pain so easily ? I don't think so. It is going to be very very painful. And am not trying to undermine you but it is important that you know this. Even though he hasn't been around or has been mad at you, some where behind your mind you know that things will come back to normal. But what if they don't ?
Repenting him or confronting him will just add fire to this whole thing. You need to give him more space than what you are currently giving him. This means no messages or calls. Stop being easily available to him for a while. No need to send him daily messages. The reason for this is that he repents your these exact same methods. Let him cool down for a bit. Let him gather his thoughts. He needs to feel the need to be with you. And no amount constant messaging will solve it. It will happen naturally. I know this doesn't soothen ur worries. But somewhere we are trying to solve a problem that has come up from no where.
So try and be patient. Focus ur energies on positive things. Let us not conclude this topic right away. Let us not decide if we really want to be with him or not be with him. You have given your side to him. Now let him mull over it and decide for himself. In the mean while you should focus ur energies where you can give your best. This will help reduce your anxieties. And as i said earlier, it is very easy for everyone to say that breakup is the solution. But breakups are very difficult to handle. Especially when you know that now there is no more future. So think about it before you make any decision.
You're right and I know that deep down. That's why since he started this disappearing act again Sunday I haven't made any efforts to get in touch with him. It definitely does hurt, I can't say it doesn't and I know a break up would hurt even more.
I'm trying really hard to focus my attention elsewhere and admittedly as odd as it sounds, I feel guilty doing that. But at the same time I know it's what needs to be done. It just really sucks. I knew long distance would be hard but I had no idea it would be this hard.
I just don't know that when he decides it's convenient to talk to me again that I will be able to be cold & distant or not respond at all...I always seem to get sucked back in no matter how angry and hurt I am. I'm not sure how to go about giving him a taste of his own medicine per say. I'm just not that type of person, I really try not to hold grudges.
I've never had to deal with anything like this before. It's so hard to know what's the right thing to do and what's not. I really appreciate you talking to me and giving me another perspective. I guess the balls in his court now and I just have to wait and see...
There is no one person who wont respond to the text of their loved one. So don't feel guilty or bad that you will go back to him when he messages you. But the reasons for doing these things are to safe guard ourselves. To know what we should believe and what we shouldn't. This change might also help you in a lot many ways.
There is no reason for you to feel bad about any single thing. You need a friend and you need to break free from all the anxieties. There are many things in life that we can not control, don't ever feel bad about them. About meeting someone, you will find someone who fills all those things that you are looking for in life. But be patient my dear. I have been searching for a soul mate for about 4 years and i haven't found mine yet. I don't wish to add miseries in ur life by sharing my experiences. But i want you to know that i know how you feel at the moment. And i also know that sometimes these hard changes in life teach you a lot.
Keeping your energies focused is very important for you at the moment. I hope you feel better after speaking your heart out here. You are most welcomed to update your status if there are any movements. We are all here for you. But more importantly dont decide on anything at the moment. Just let the silence be there for a while. Nothing is lost or nothing is gained at the moment. Take things as they come.
Hello Khiaralee and Harry888,
First, to Harry888, because it's a short message. My friend, I love you! I don't know you, I haven't meet you or even had a deep conversation with you, but seeing how you dedicate time and effort here to help people is an amazing sight. Thanks!
Khiaralee. Be happy, girl. Look, a friend of mine used to say: Love and Friendship is like the shoes; if you have to force it, it's not your fit, so let it go.
This guy is very complicated. Life is complicated by itself, you don't need anymore of that with added drama. Long distance relationships have a low rate of success and, usually, they end up with people getting closer or getting lost.
This man already has a family, or at least he acts like it. I was in the same position, with a couple differences. But at some point I decided that it was a relationship that needed to stop. I wasn't happy. Thus I couldn't give happiness to others.
Love yourself over anything/anybody else.
You just have to ask yourself a couple key questions:
- If you are sick during a weekend, would he come to your place and take care of you, and cook and cherish you?
- If you need somebody to talk to, you would immediately turn to your loved one. Can you do it at any given time?
If any of the answers is NO, then you're wasting time investing emotions and love in something that is not fair to you.
Love yourself, then love whoever you want.
I know it hurts. But you'll heal with time and the right person will cross your path. I found my loved one at the age of 35. When you met the one, you'll realize it.
Good luck, honey! Don't lose that sweetness of you!
Thank you so much! I'm going to do my best. Do you think it would be as effective if when he does eventually text me I just wait a day or two and then respond with that I need some space to deal with my own stuff right now? It's just not my personality to just completely ignore someone but I also don't want it to come off as a tit for tat type thing.
I definitely do need some time to really think things through, decide how I feel, decide what I need/want, and if there is a future in this.
Thank you. The thing is I can't honestly answer those questions. The guy I know him to be when we first dated and when we started again recently, absolutely he would do those things for me and be my support. That man was/is amazing. The man that he's been over the past say 3 weeks or so, I don't think he would. But I have no idea if the man he is right now is going to be the man he stays or if whenever he gets things sorted out, the man I know and love will return. That's where I honestly struggle because I don't want to give up on him if there's a chance this new guy is just a side effect of whatever he's going through at the moment...yah know?? I'm not perfect either and I know there have been times that I have had things going on (been really stressed) and I have been a bit of an ass too, not to this extent but I definitely was not the loving and supportive woman I usually am. He still stood beside me and we worked through it.
But at the same time I'm having a hard time trying to figure out when enough is enough. Harry made some really good points and I do not want to make any rash decisions based on how emotional I am right now. I think it's best that I take some time to sort out how I feel, what I want and need, and decide if this is something I see really having a chance. It's just really hard to figure out what the right moves are.
Do I ignore him like he has been me when he does eventually decide to text? Do I text but keep it short/cold/distant? Do I tell him that I need space/time to deal with what I'm going through now? I have no idea. That's why this is so hard for me because for once I feel like I have no answers on how to handle it or what to do...which kind of causes me more anxieties. I hate feeling like this is going to be a tit for tat type deal but I also feel like he needs to go through what he has put me through so he can see how it feels and truly understand that it is not okay.
It's exhausting. I really appreciate all the advice I'm being given here and the different perspectives really helps.
SILVARION thank you so much for your sweet words, they mean a lot to me.
There comes a time in life where you need to play things smartly and more effectively. It is not about us giving tit for tat. But it is more about tackling the situation as it comes. I understand that you are not of the nature who would want to play mind games and gain someone's attention. That doesn't really work and even if it does, it is only momentary. But it is human nature for us to be like this. And sometimes it is important for us to remind the opposite person that we are of some value, that we are something that matters.
There is no rule book that says that we shouldn't fight for something that we really love. So firstly don't feel bad if you need to play things smartly. Thats how life works. Secondly, about you responding to his texts after two days and all, well you need to take a call of how you want to get a grip of the whole situation. You need to be in a position where you like being there. If you continue to do the things that you are already doing, not much is going to change and it will keep on dragging the same way like it is. Eventually you wont really gain anything out of this.
Thank you so much for all the advice. It really means a lot.