Losing fiance to best friends fiance
OXIGEN - Jul 18 2017 at 02:00
This is a bit long, so here it goes. My fiance and I have been together for 15 years and he proposed to me two years ago. Our relationship was pretty much comfortable and happy. We would go out, have fun, cuddle and have a normal sex life. He is 4 years younger than I am and his first and only girlfriend. I played the field when I was younger, but ever since I was with my bf/fiance, no one has entered my heart or panties.
My fiance, his best friend and I used to work with each other. To make things easy, fiance's name is "C", fiance's best friend is "S" and best friends' gf/fiance name is "F". We pretty much would chat with each other when our shifts permitted.
But, we never worked w/ "F", chatted, texted on the phone or spent time with "F" cuz we didn't know her like that.
"S" suffered a heart attack and passed away 3 years ago, which left "F" heartbroken and depressed. I was unable to attend the funeral because I left to attend university. I told "C" that he should be there for "F" since he was "S" best friend. Thinking that he was just going to comfort her for the first few weeks and then move on. I thought wrong.
When I was away at university, we would skype at a certain time. It was going great, then he started to not talk to me. He would leave the camera on and just text on his phone. Of course, he wasn't texting me. I just thought he was texting his friends about his gaming sessions on the PS4 with his friends. NOPE. Sessions on Skype started to fall apart. He would constantly tell me that he was tired from work and that he wanted to sleep. So, we would cut our sessions short. Then we would not skype at all. When and if we do Skype he would cuss and yell at me for no good reason, so I would just disconnect. Thought nothing of it. Just thought that's how he is. Always thought that his moodiness was because he missed me, which of course I was like that too. I would return home during the summer and winter breaks. During this time, everything was somewhat normal.
Things started to change completely. Recently, my father passed away and I came home. My fiance accompanied me to the funeral and met the rest of the family. After that, I returned to university and my fiance went back to work. I would often call "C", but he would reprimand me to text not call, cause it would fuck up his game session on the phone. That was an odd request, don't you think? I told him that I wanted to hear his voice for a sense of comfort, but in the end he said text instead. Because of my father passing away, studying at university was tumultuous for me. I would Skype, call and text "C" that I was thinking and missing him. But, he would either say he was tired or not answer the phone or text.
Currently, it is summer break. I came back home and "C's" behavior changed 360 degrees. He would take his phone where ever he went. He would cuss me out or yell at me for no good reason. He muted the volume to his cell phone. I asked him if he wanted to go out for dinner or movies and he said, "NO! I'm too tired!" Btw, forgot to mention the phone that he is using is under my name cause he didn't want to put the phone under him. Don't know why. I was curious to his behavior.
When he went into the bathroom, he left his phone next to me. I woke up from a nap cause I heard his phone. So, I decided to take a look. There was a messages from "F". I was too scared to read all of it. The next following day, I called him at work stating that I needed his phone because there was weird charges on his account. When I got his phone, I went to the cell phone company and explained to them that there were charges on the phone that I did not approve of. So they took a look and asked if any calls or texts coming from these phone#s are mines, I said no. I was refunded for the overcharges and went home to check online to see when, where, and amount of texts or calls "C" was receiving. Found out it was not from me. There was a collection of approx 9000 texts and >1000 minutes were spent talking to "F". Found her phone# on his contacts. But, all of the messages were deleted.
After finding out, I went to his workplace and told him we needed to talk. His excuse was that they are just friends, nothing more. If they were just friends, why would he delete all of her messages? Why would he not answer my phone calls when I called? Why would he answer her phone calls and talk to her on his breaks, lunches, at home till 2am in the morning? Only a gf/fiance/wife would call early in the morning, breaks, lunches, after work and talk on the phone till the next morning, right? WTF?!!!
It breaks my heart that when I needed some comforting words from him, he was not around. He was there for "F" and not for me. He tells me that she suffers from anxiety and depression. Da fuck?! I am your fiance and you don't give me the light of day?
He tells me that he only went out with her 3 or 4 times. And he bought her a few things. Idk what to do. Two days after our argument, I found out he is still talking to her before work, breaks and lunches. I ask him, "WTF?! I thought you were gonna tell her off?" He finally did. But, of course, he turned it around on me. He told her that they no longer can be friends and she started to cry. Also, he told her he shouldn't have kept this type of relationship cause it was hurting me and it should not have continued for the past year and a half after "S" funeral.
I asked my brother for some advice. He told me whatever decision that I decide, I have to live with. I don't talk to my mom bout these things cause our relationship is nonexistent.
Btw, do u wanna read something funny? I have been having nightmares of "S" when I went back to university. I was in the store that "C", "S" and I used to work at. I was standing around and a voice behind me said, " S is looking for your." He walked by and saw my fiance near me. Once he disappeared, "S" would come by and yell at me and make phone gestures to me. I didn't know what the fuck that meant. I told "C" that and he didn't say anything. That is the only reason why I checked the phone in real life. If I never looked at the phone, it would probably still be going on.
I still have nightmares, though. "C" and "F" push me into oncoming traffic, "S" across the street watching me get hit by oncoming traffic. Or I get thrown into a room "C" yelling at me to leave both "F" and him alone as he hits me on the head with a brick, as I profess my love for him.
I really don't know what to do. I still love him. So far, he has not called her or texted her from what I can see. Please, I need some advice.
You need to look at the big picture which is being with a guy who is there for you regardless if you're miles away at Uni. You need a guy who wants to comfort you and shares the need to be with you, rather than reprimand you for calling him during a gaming session! Your guy's actions with F and his reaction to your words says it all. If he loved you and supported you 100%, F wouldn't be the major part of his life as you should be. It's all OK for your fiance to be friends with F, but it's not all OK to be 'there' for her as he should be for you, especially after 15 years together, which in itself, is a hell of a lot of history.
Respectfully, your brother is correct, whatever you decide to do, you will have to live with, but in this situation, you need to decide what's best for you alone, rather than for you and your fiance.
Sadly, this is the usual way things go between "long term partners". Most of the couples I knew that had over 8 years as fiances ended up the same way. Is like a marriage without kids. Basically the marriage would have been a mere formality.
I would say that the relationship is over. It's not working anymore and at least one of you is not (or doesn't look) interested in restoring what it was or evolving to something better.
You deserve more. You deserve to be loved 100%. Don't settle for less than that.
You're in this World to be happy. Just don't waste any more time on this.
Best of luck to you!
Manalone - Thank you for your advice. I shall take it into consideration. After confronting C about his actions the second time, it seems like he realized his actions were wrong, after a few days of thinking. C started messaging me during his breaks and lunches. Started to cuddle and have sex like we used to in the beginning of the relationship. But, there is a strange nagging feeling deep in my gut to be on the defense. Is that wrong? Will he return to his old ways of ignoring me and figuring a way to meet/chat/text with F while I'm away? He has a card and something else to give her. Just wondering when or if he plans on meeting up with her. Will be leaving soon in a few days for university. So, I really would like to hear more what you guys have to say.
SusieDQQ - Nah, it's not an arranged marriage. We enjoyed being together and didn't want to put a label on our relationship, until recently. I am 41 years old and C is 37.
Silvarion - I'm very thankful for your words of wisdom. It does sometimes seem like a formality that we are together. But, I feel like that I have invested so much time and effort into this relationship. And based on my age, I would not be able to find someone that would love me unconditionally.
My state of mind is incapable of handling stress of my dad passing away, school and that nagging feeling of C planning to go back to his normal ways, since I am not around.
If your gut is talking to you, then it's best to listen because it will assist you when all else fails. His actions are talking again if he has a gift for her and you need to realize that if the man was yours completely 100%, he wouldn't bother with her simply because he would be loyal to you. In other words, there should be no other woman in his life which takes up his time and in turn, over time, has led him to ignore you.
You guys are basically long distance with a 15 year history, and these two things alone should mean that your relationship together should be, among other things, firmly grounded by trust. Respectfully, if his actions have ruined this trust, regardless of all your effort and time which you have invested into your relationship, then your gut instinct is 'kicking in' to guide you, rather than your heart.
First of all, I'm so sorry this has been happening. NObody deserves to be treated like this, but I understand feeling "invested". So I'll share a bit of my story, including my very happy ending.
I was married for 24 years. Thought he was the love of my life, and the man I planned on enjoying retirement with. We raised beautiful children and were excited to reap our "reward" for so many years of hard work. Then, one day, he told me he just didn't want to have to take anyone else into consideration. Especially me (ouch). He wanted to see if he could live on his own (baby of the family and I did pretty much everything for him after we married). And, he wanted to have some "fun", without the guilt. So, I left. I was absolutely heartbroken. Shattered. But, I had no choice but to start over, on my own. It was a rough 6 months, getting my feet back under me, but it wasn't as bad as I had feared it would be.
Here's the thing... I ended up THANKING my ex-husband, for breaking my heart and giving me now choice but to move on, without him. I realize now we had stayed together out of obligation and "investment" issues. My only regret now is that we should have split a long time ago. I found a job I love in an area I absolutely adore. Was happier than I had been, ever. The stress, anxiety, and constant struggle were just gone, and life was actually fun, and not a continual chore.
And then, out of nowhere, I met the REAL love of my life. At age 50. I was definitely not looking for a relationship, and neither was he. But we've been together every minute we can since our first meeting. Been a couple for 8 months now, and living together (which I SWORE I'd never want to do again) for the last 6. Honestly? My ex is a good man, but I didn't realize what an awful spouse he was (especially in comparison to what I have now). Sometimes, we mistake comfort and routine for happiness. I learned that the hard way, and couldn't be happier for it. I didn't know what I didn't know. I thought the romantic relationship part of my life was over and that I'd not want to get to know anyone else that intimately ever again. But I know my bf far better after just 8 months than I ever know my husband of 24 years. Love doesn't have to be hard work or sacrifice. And I never knew that til now.
So my best advice to you is to not "settle". Ever. In any way. Especially out of fear of what you may be left with. What you're left with is far better than you can imagine. It may take some time, and a lot of tears, but the growth is worth it and you'll be a better person for it. If you have these kinds of questions, you already know the answers. It's just hard to take that first step. Don't be. It's hard, and I'm going to pretend otherwise. But you'll never be sorry you took a stand and did what's best for YOU. I ended up with someone far out of my league, and still have to pinch myself daily to know it's not all a dream. He's as good for me as he is to me, and I would never have met him if I hadn't let go of the marriage, and my husband. I'd invested my entire life, and every resource I'd ever had into that marriage, and I would walk away from it all again in a heartbeat, knowing what I know now. Even without the current relationship, I was so much happier, it made me feel a little guilty.
So don't settle. You don't deserve that, and neither does he. Taking care of yourself is not selfish. Do what's best for you, and he can do the same, whether that's together or on your own. Fear is the worst BEFORE you take a step into it. Once you start a new approach, fear subsides and hope and excitement step in. I wish you the very best and hope you end up happier than you thought possible. I know I have. <3
Mamabear Thank you so much for your kind words. I will definitely take it into consideration. I completely agree with you and everyone else here who has given their time and patience to guide me into the right direction. But, I feel that F is manipulating him. Also, I think she is stalking me, C or both of us.
A few days ago we spent some time together at the mall and ate dinner at a restaurant. Later that evening, upon arriving home, C tells me that F was at the mall, with tears in his eyes. He shows me his phone of a sticker from a store we visited. The sticker said something about specific animals are slowly stealing her sanity. Based on her actions, I feel that she is playing the wounded pup, where C will run and make all of her boo boos disappear. It pains me that he is blinded by her.
Based on my observation of the whole situation, F is attracted to C because he reminds her of S. Being close to C, probably makes her feel close to S. I just feel so helpless. Why can't people leave other peoples' bf/gf/fiance/spouse alone and find someone who is single.
With everything going on, I have not been able to sleep or eat regularly. Recently, I weighed myself, thinking that I have gained a lot of weight cause of eating junk food for comfort. Tbh, prior to everything occurring, my weight was 132lbs. Now it is 97lbs. ;-(
I'm going to be honest with you. The relationship isn't healthy, especially for you. You're being manipulated, and it shouldn't matter what's going on with anyone else. You can love him, but I'd recommend doing that from a distance, at least for awhile. You need a break from the confusion and stress. Take a real break from the relationship. Focus on yourself. Don't worry about him, or anyone else he is worried about. You are responsible for yourself, just as he is responsible for himself. He is dependent on you for some reason, and that is an unhealthy dynamic that won't end well for either of you.
You're feeling hurt and alone, and that's not how real love works. He's more concerned about someone else, but keeping you in arm's reach for his own reasons,that have nothing to do with mutual love. That's selfish and unfair to you.
You have been feeling alone for some time now, which is way worse than actually being alone. I was terrified to leave my husband, but as soon as I did, I felt better. More in control of my life, less confused, and way less stressed. I felt... Relieved. Which was a huge surprise. It was hard, and I'm not saying I didn't cry myselfvto sleep more than once. But honestly, I was going that long before I left. So, I decided if I was going to feel hurt and alone, I may as well break away and use that time to move on. I couldn't stay "stuck"any longer, and the split took way less time to recover from than I expected.
Take a break. Take care of yourself. Figure out what's best for you, and take steps towards it. If he responds negatively instead of with total support, then you know where you stand with him, regardless of others. If he's only concerned how your healthy decisions effect or change him or his "lifestyle", then you know it's time to cut your losses.
The time is going to pass anyway. Why not use it to build a happier, healthier you? Hugs to you, and I hope you gain peace of mind soon.