Sad and in love
THEOTHERWOMAN - Jul 20 2017 at 15:40
I am the other woman and I have been struggling a lot. I have used the chat to try and talk but people are very judgmental about the cheating woman (as maybe they should be).
Daily I have internal battles with myself about our relationship. We have been seeing each other for over a year. We have tried to end it a few times but keep making our way back together. We love each other a lot. We talk everyday text all day long. We see each other as much as we can sometimes even if it's only for ten minutes.
He says that he wants a life with me and wants to marry me. He has kids and that makes leaving his wife more complicated. Our relationship is about to become long distance. He is still planning on seeing me even with the distance and hoping that when he gets his children settled and this transition done he will get divorced. When I say it out loud I realize how naïve and cliche that it sounds. As much that I hate that this will be long distance I think that it is good that it is happening. It will either make or break this which needs to happen.
The worst part about being in a relationship like this (besides the obvious) is how isolating it is. How much is given up for a maybe and a someday. That is the part that I am trying to work on. I don't want to let him go yet but I also have to stop letting myself go. It feels like sometimes that I have put my life on pause. I have become more negative and less social.
I don't want to sound judgmental so sorry if I do but you are doing to some poor shmuck what my married friend did to me. I was with my partner for 17 yeas and we had 3 kids. His betrayal has seen all of our kids turn their backs on him. His own fault and not what wanted but his parents now have no contact with their only grandchildren. Personally I hope he suffers every night for his actions but how is he ever going to be totally happy knowing that his inability to keep it in his trousers means that he may never see his only daughter get married or his sons graduate? Will you be able to live with the fact that if it happens to your man, it;s partly on you. Will you be able to make up for what he is missing out on? My ex had the snip after our daughter was born so he won't be getting second chances with his own offspring. My married friend is still married but only because her husband wants to provide for his kids and divorcing her could leave him short. In my case she had 3 of her own kids and has done a pretty good job of ruining their childhood too.
Is your self esteem so low that you would be ok doing that to someone and children too? My friend told me that "once a cheat, always a cheat", would you ever be able to sleep soundly if he was away from you?
The less social is because you know what you're doing is wrong and because of that you can;t talk to anyone about it, similarly with the more negative. You know what you're doing is wrong. I know that the heart wants what the heart wants but you were clearly brought up with a moral compass which is why you're feeling negative, you went against it.
If there were no kids involved I'd say go for it but I see what it's done to my 3 and they see what it's done to me. It's not fun ;-(
You're absolutely correct, if your relationship does go long distance, then it could well decide the outcome. It's not so much about you being the other woman, it's about whether he's over his marriage and whether his actions show you that he needs to be with you 100% or he just reassures you with words.
You guys enable each other by continuing to see each other, but you need to determine if that's good enough for you or if you're prepared to wait for him to not so much to sort his marriage issues, but wait for him to completely get over his marriage, without looking back, so he can successfully be with you. You need to determine if your waiting, and this guy, is worth it.
Sure, there's plenty of people who will morally judge you because they see it in black and white, but it's the grey areas of it all that you're struggling with. Regardless of people's opinions, you need to be kind to yourself so you can do the same for others.
Thank you for your words. I am in a constant state of self torture. I feel bad about what I am doing, but I do love him. I have never had feelings this strong before, he says that he feels the same. I think that with the distance it won't take me long to realize if he just likes the fantasy of being with me or if he is serious. Either way it goes I know it won't be easy. I just know that lately I feel like I am at a breaking point. I have thought what if I am not strong enough to do this, to be able to wait this out. I know if I walked away from it now I would always be wondering what if.
Clearly his marriage isnt happy or he wouldnt b seeing u..hopefully one day u will both be happy together...kind regards
Love is hard, especially when we can't be together. I feel for you, your love, and his wife and kids. No judgment, it's just a tough situation all around.
Here's the thing... and I have learned this the hard way, repeatedly.
If he really wanted to be with you, he would be. People with kids divorce every day, and it's not as difficult as you might think. If your relationship was really a priority for him, he wouldn't be staying with his wife. He wouldn't be able to stay married to someone else if he really wanted to be with you full time.
I always hear my grandmother in my head in these situations...
"If he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you, honey."
Has proven true for me and everyone I've known. If he can hide a relationship for this long from the person he shares his life and children with... do you really even want to try and live together? Do you trust him enough to hitch your life to a wagon that may get "unhappy" or "bored" and look to satisfy himself elsewhere? His marriage is obviously unfulfilling in some ways, but he's unwilling to put himself or his family through the discomfort of a split. So it must not be miserable.
Not trying to be harsh, just honest about my experiences in this area. If he's not proud to have you by his side, no matter who is watching... then you may need to ask yourself is this man is worth your time now, or ever. Regardless of his marital status. I hope you can find some good answers and move on in a positive way, and soon. This is torture, and a lot of hearts are at risk, including yours.
Hugs to you <3
No judgement at all. I would recommend you listen to some podcasts by Esther Perel: https://www.estherperel.com/
she is an "expert on infidelity" and has some really, really, good podcasts on the topic of infidelity and breaks it down into several different aspects. Statistically, she says that 83% of couples have/will cheat. Whether you're the "other woman or man" or the one being cheated on, is irrelevant. It might help you with shifting your perspective on the whole situation.