Where do I start?.. first, apologies for my spelling mistakes before hand. My problem goes like this; I have been dating my partner for about 6 years now. We are a lesbian couple and it has been stressful for my family to wrap their heads around me being gay since I’ve only dated guys before. I kinda always knew I liked girls but did not act on it. I’m currently in my mid twenties and I came out a few months after meeting my girlfriend since I felt very in love and confident enough to come out to my parents. It was rough times when I came out, my mom took it the hardest and was not allowing me to go out or meet my girlfriend. After a few months, I moved abroad to go study and I kept a one year long distance relationship with my gf and then she came to the country that I’m at to study as well. We were finally together again with no family members to tell us what to do or how to be.
During the period of being long distance, I noticed that I need to be careful with the things I say and do. First time being away from family, I felt free and went out a bit too much and my gf didn’t like that. I started to pay more attention to my actions and how I talk because I wanted to be more grown up and taken seriously by my gf. My gf is a few months younger than me. But she has been through a lot which makes her more serious and grown up. Anyways, back to when we finally were together again; things were great, we spent a lot of time together. We sleep at her student apartment or mine every other night. I started to notice that she has anger problems, when she gets mad it gets pretty ugly, she screams, breaks stuff and tries to harm herself and say hurtful things to me. We talked a lot about that and she started to have her anger under control. We always tried and have patience with my family hoping that they will come around, especially my mom. My gf was always respectful towards them and but my mom was weird about it all which made my gf feel offended. other than that our relationship was pretty good when there are no other people involved. We moved in together after a year of sleepovers at each others place. So to be clear, after two years of being in a relationship we moved in together which i thought was good timing. We sometimes go for summer holidays to our home country and it’s always awkward since we will be staying separately at our parents house. But we managed.
My gf has chronic depression, we had a rough childhood where her mom would beat her pretty badly for having asthma, her grandma which whom she was close with passed away a few months before me and her started talking. It has been really tough for her, she still cannot let go of that.. she is generally not happy and often wants to suicide. The year which we had a long distance relationship she got sexually abused by a random stranger at party that she went. So it has been tough, I try to be there for her and be a very understanding person. Regardless of what her mom used to do to her when she was smaller, her mom currently do accept her as gay and has treated me very well, like her own child. But my gf often talked about how rough their relationship was. One time during one of those summer holidays, my gf texted me and said she wanted to go on a trip with her mom. I for some reason got very jealous and strange, I told her to go with her and maybe they can even fuck each other if they wanted to. I have no clue why i was so mad, perhaps i never pictured her wanted to forgive and do something nice with someone that she always tells me was harming her. I regret saying that until this day. And since then, in almost every fight we have, she would bring it up that i said that to her. I asked for forgiveness many many times. Another thing she would keep throwing to my face would be that she didn’t want to come to the same country as me to study abroad, but she did it any way because she wanted to be with me. When we started to fail school and tried a few studies that does not interest her, she seems to be blame me for it because she didn’t want to be in this country in the first place. But I never wanted her to come where she doesn’t feel comfortable just for me. It is nice to be together but i was not me that begged her to come here. Her happiness is important to me. But now its like each time i fuck up, she blames me for how her life turned out. Our biggest fights are mostly about my brother or my mom. We kindly invited my brother to come live below our apartment since it was free and he wanted to move to the country we are currently at. My brother was always supportive of me and my gf. But the moment he came here things went to shit because he was being dicky and kinda expected everything to be handed to him. He was basically asking for too much help and wouldn’t try to resolve things by himself before he asked us.
My gf is someone that she starts off really respectful, always eager to help but when you’re not being humble and grateful she will cut you off. She is good at cutting off friends, family or anyone. While for me I like helping and i like giving people chances to hopefully be a better person next time. My gf got me to see that my family always uses me for help and does not give much of anything back. I truly appreciate it that my gf helped to be stronger and not just simply help people that are not grateful. But the ways that she shows me that she is hurt or wants me to improve are a bit extreme. She would yell at more, ignore me, break stuff, make me clean it up, call me out to fight her, she even slapped me twice. Things that make her that mad are my family, my family was always a bit none approving, but they seem to look at her weird or not be so welcoming. I’m not a person to say much but since they hurt her I started to avoid my family and demand them to accept me and my gf. Months after, if i forgive my family and just text them back to see if they are well, she would get mad if i talk to them. Last year when my family wanted to come for a holiday here to visit my brother and me, my gf was super agitated and wanted to break up with me before they even arrived because she said she didn’t want anything to do with them. I tried to explain to her that my mom said many times that they don’t have anything against YOU, it just the thought of me with a girl is the problem. my aunt on the other hand was really nice and still is very nice to me and my gf. my aunt tries to talk to my mom so she can be more accepting etc. A few days before they arrive, my gf wanted to go to a cycling race, I didn’t ask her if we are still going since she was already agitated, she then got mad that i didn’t ask to still go to the race, she booked a flight to out home country. I talked to her and told her i will talk to my family when they get here. I did that, they explained themselves and they were looking forward to get to know her more but she left, they were actually open to move passed their homophobia. I forgave them and gave them a chance. Me and my family hang out a bit and things were ok. My gf didn’t like that i forgave em to quickly. so she gets mad…
long story short, today again we had a fight which she would say hurtful things and wants to get into a physical fight but i tried to keep calm. All of this because i wanted to do a rational thing of talking to my brother and solving things. We talked about our expectations and problems, and catch up a little bit, we talked for like 2 hours. My gf told me she doesn’t think that we should’ve talked that long and that we were spending time together, that he took our time away. But we are always together. I don’t have friends, neither does she, some have a few friends that we hang out with as a couple. There is more to this story but I will stop here. I just want to know if i’m being too soft on my family or my gf is being dramatic. I’m a person that likes harmony.. I just want my family and my gf to get a long. I am definitely stronger that i just don’t just run and help people but do i forgive to easily? Do i need to cut off my family and just be with my gf?…
You need to realise that you are in a 6 year relationship with a person who is controlling, manipulative and isolating to say the least and not so much being dramatic. You can be there for your GF, but she needs to take steps to sort her issues, otherwise, she will eventually drive you away. You are who you are and your GF has no right to try and change you and dictate to you her views on life and especially when you can communicate with your family. You post about harmony, but harmony is a two way street between people who share the same values and standards.
Your GF has issues which most likely stem from her childhood and these issues are hers to sort and not yours. She may seem to you to be grown up but she's very immature when it comes to dealing with problems and the way that she solves them. No one has the right to yell and scream at their lover, break things to get their point across and then expect the same person who they are abusing to clean it up. These actions are pure anger and spite and it's her childhood speaking. Sure, you can try and explain situations with her about your family etc but she's not listening because she doesn't know how to. She needs professional counseling, particularly when your post mentions suicide.
Unless she gets help with her anger issues, there can be no rational discussions about your issues.
Insist that she seek counseling, then you two go together. Be sure to find a counselor who specializes in lesbian couples issues.
Relationships should not be this way. When it takes too much energy to love another person, it diminishes ourselves. Be sure you finish school and have a career in mind.