I took someone's virginity and I totally regret it
I recently had a lot of personal issues pop up in my life that I have no control over. I felt extremely helpless and lost. One of which was losing my boyfriend who I've been with for 2 years. After all this went down his best friend became close with me and was helping me work through my issues. One day he came over and I told him I didn't want to make a move because of the fact he is my exes best friend. His response was to make the move himself. I stopped him and told him it wouldn't mean anything but things proceeded anyway. We've now done it a total of three times and all three of them I didn't even enjoy myself. On top of this my ex is back in my life but I doubt he will ever take me back if he finds out what I've done what do I do? Am I terrible person? How do I end it with the one guy and how do I tell my ex?
It seems to me that you have to work on your self esteem girl.
Come on, we all make mistakes, we all have hard times. You'll get past it and that's it. That doesn't make you a terrible person.
Now, let's engage each of the items I see here.
1.- "I stopped him and told him it wouldn't mean anything but things proceeded anyway"
How can it be that things proceeded anyway if you stopped him? If you really want to stop, then you ask him to go home or something. Get on your feet. Stand your ground and put a stop.
2.- "We've now done it a total of three times and all three of them I didn't even enjoy myself"
Honey, if you didn't enjoy yourself, then just stop doing it. Don't fall for it. You can stop it the moment you decide to.
3.- "I doubt he will ever take me back if he finds out what I've done"
You weren't with him when this happened. So I don't know how he could think badly of you for doing so. And if he does and thinks you're a terrible person for this, then he doesn't deserve you because he doesn't love you.
4.- "How do I end it with the one guy"
Easy, just tell him. He should know that he wasn't what you wanted.
5.- "how do I tell my ex?"
With words. You can explain it without details. Just say that you were vulnerable and it happened. It didn't mean anything to you at all (as you said it in your post). And that's it. Let him know before getting into the relationship again. If that's a deal-breaker, it will be a breaker right now or in a few days/weeks/months.
Last words of advice: Be honest, let your heart talk and then let him decide if he can live with it or not. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
I hope this helps. Good luck!
Thank you for replying. I recently ended it with the other guy he was upset but understood he couldn't force me to stay. I told him I would be willing to stay friends but I understood if he didn't want to be and he chose to no longer be my friend. I'm now working on telling my ex but the guy would much rather me not because it will ruin their friendship. I told him we should be honest and if he was worried about their friendship he wouldn't have done it in the first place. Here's to hoping everything works out :-S
Just wanted to start by saying great job @ SILVARION. That is honestly some pretty good feedback, shows good empathy too.
I guess I'm still confused about how taking someone's virginity comes into play, and whose virginity was taken.
Also, why did you and your ex break up? And do you think it's a good idea to get back together with him when things didn't work out before?
I'm getting the impression that you kind of slept with the friend because he was the one who was available after your breakup, but now that you feel like you have a shot with your ex again you want to break it off with the friend. That sounds kind of not cool. Does this guy know you're still interested in your ex?
""I stopped him and told him it wouldn't mean anything but things proceeded anyway""
Describe to me what happened and what exactly you said and how exactly he responded - step-by-step, please.
Your boyfriend will ask for this amount of detail so - treat this as a safe dress-rehearsal with me, okay?
@soulmate I said that we shouldn't because of my ex and that it would be a bad idea. I told him I don't want to make a move and his response was "then I will" the entire situation left me extremely uncomfortable but it's my fault because I let it persist I should've ended it much sooner. I told him from the beginning I didn't see him that way and it wouldn't mean anything. But he began kissing me and removing my clothes and that's basically what happened the next few times we hung out and that's why I needed to end it.
@altreal I took the new guys virginity and I can promise you I've waned to end this way before my ex came back. But I recently told my ex and he's understandably hurt so I don't think I will win him back anyway. If it helps my case in anyway I told the guy from the beginning I felt it was a bad idea and that it wouldn't mean anything to me. I can see where I went wrong I should've stopped it and ended it much sooner but I didn't because I was weak.
Sorry, I was after a lot more detail, hence said 'step by step'.
...So he said, "then I will" and then did what set of steps next?
When it got to the part where he began removing your clothes, what were you saying or had been saying? Did you say or clearly indicate he could? Or did he help himself and somehow make you feel you'd led him there thus couldn't reverse out?
How funny he "no longer" wanted to be friends just because you wished to stop the sex. But then I rather suspect he never did.
(Catching my drift?)
Had you 'stopped it and ended it much sooner', what would you have said and done that you didn't already say / get to say / succeed in trying to assert?
PS: "I should've stopped it and ended it much sooner but I didn't because I was weak."
Of course you were weakened. Your "real thing" romance had just ended, along with all your hopes and dreams. You were on the bloody floor at that point, let alone totally mentally otherwise engaged, I'd imagine? WHAT ELSE WOULD YOU BE! Who would be so insensitive as to not know that when even an eight-year-old could work it out!
That he took advantage of you in your state of shock, confusion and grief (and possibly 'under'-assertiveness at even the best of times due to your youth and inexperience) is obvious and not up for questioning (oh, and ollocks to his claim of virginity, I don't believe it for a second!). What *I* want to know is - did he date-rape you via predacious-ness disguised as sympathetic, emotionally-supportive friendship in your hour of need, using subtle but effective pressuring and coersion tactics? That he's dropped you like a hot potato the minute you took all of that off the menu (the minute your head had finally stopped spinning) rather says YES, HE DID.
It doesn't have to be outwardly hostile and violent to be rape, you know. You just have to be however much not fully consensual.
Have a think about it. Because - News for you: if you EVEN ONCE utter the word No or words, behaviour, gesturing to that effect, then the man is supposed to stop full-stop. A gentleman wouldn't even try to manoeuvre you into that position in your state, and even a semi-gentleman would err on the side of caution in immediately removing his paws from your personage. Okay - we clear from now on?
I mean - "I don't want to make a move" - obviously equalling, "I don't want any moves full-stop" - gets the response of "then I will" as translates to "No" / "Tough!"? Doesn't he understand NO when he hears it?!
Bet he does. But it obviously represents no barrier to him. And I'll bet he's (at the time) just too damned nice - and (again, at the time) NEEDED - to want to upset with outright rebuttal in a plain-talking stylee - right? In case he flounced off and left you alone again in your puddle of grief - right? WHICH IS PRECISELY WHAT HE ENDED UP DOING, MEANING YOUR 'FEAR' WERE CORRECT ALL ALONG - RIGHT? (Right.)
I'm not saying you have to do anything about it in any official capacity, but - up your ex's you-know-what if that's his attitude! Frankly! If he gives you any more of that "ugh, unclean" nonsense - even just a hint of a look or vibe - I suggest you give him both barrels for being the one who introduced that so-called friend to your world in the first place before then leaving you so shocked and dazed you fell into the flea-ridden arms of said wolf!
NO. You are NOT a terrible person. Far beeping from it!
You ready to get angry yet?
@soulmate classifying it as rape is a scary thing to me. A step by step would be after I told him I wouldn't be comfortable making a move he simply stated "then I will" and started kissing me. I didn't say anything I just fell silent I didn't really know what to say or how I felt. He began touching and grabbing at my clothes and I let him. I never once felt I was being taken advantage of or said to him "stop" or "no" and I also participated I didn't just lay there. Once it was done he left. (He had already informed me he had work that day and I saw his schedule so that isn't a lie) but he was gone. I took a shower and then later went to work myself and immediately felt so guilty for doing what I did. HOWEVER update with my ex we talked and he's not mad at me we're actually going to hang out and talk more tomorrow and I'm really happy and excited to have him back in my life. He seemed angry as well when I told him the story and was ready to run to my defense but I told him the same thing that I also participated and never once gave him a no. It seems like a really complicated situation and maybe I am to young and inexperienced to really wrap my head around it but all I know is that he's not someone I want in my life anymore. He's gone and won't bother me anymore and that's all that matters to me. I don't want this to be something that ruins me I want it to be something I learn from. Thank you for the support though it's really helping it's nice to know that I shouldn't feel like a bad person.
All (and Anabella),
"I didn't say anything I just fell silent ***I didn't really know what to say or how I felt***."
How's about CONSENSUAL? No? There you go, then.
"He began touching and grabbing at my clothes and I let him."
GRABBING?! You're clearly in two minds and he thinks GRABBING is called for?
I don't care if Anabella admits to being the architect of Bergen pigging Belsen. Doesn't make her a fully willing participant, just makes her so loath to take on the label of Victim, and all it entails re. having found herself DUPED, for the fact it doesn't sit well with her usual image of strong, savvy, modern woman, that she'd be prepared to pay to avoid it by taking on the blame for WHAT HE DID....helped by his highly subtle (not to me) campaign of psychological manipulation from start to finish.
Unless, of course, she at the time wore a [drum roll] SHORT SKIRT, OMG!?
(black joke) (obviously)
But this isn't a feminist issue, anyway. Plenty of homosexual wounded soldiers can find themselves swooped on and exploited in this way, and do.
She's misguided. (You're misguided, Annabella). She wasn't in the Victim category of prey, anyway. She was/is a meaty challenge "for a nice change", called Target. The (under normal circumstances) strong, savvy woman, the type that ("who does she think she is - back into the kitchen where you belong, b*tch!") expects partnership equality when in the romantic-sexual domain. Different kettle of prey entirely.
If she HAD thought, be damned this so-called friendship and sole source of support, it's not worth this toll-fee, and yelled the word Stop, I very much doubt he would have, anyway.
Who that needs to get to SpecSavers can't easily see that this (ugh) thing, this PREDATOR, positively SWOOPED DOWN on her when AND BECAUSE she was battered, bruised and on the floor, and duped her from there with the usual 'wanna be your supportive friend' crap, his method of manoeuvring her into final, hopefully semi-permanent position in that bedroom.
Oh, yeah, it's so easy, so Black & White simple in the actual moment, isn't it, to just yell Stop or some such.
Rot. There is such a thing as psychological pressure, you know (call it peer pressure if you like), going along with something because you've no prior frame of reference by which to operate any differently, being made to feel obligated by 'having led them on'...etc. Were that the case, there wouldn't be such a thing as Date Rape. But there is. Violent, outwardly hostile stranger rape is not the only disgusting fruit on that whole menu. There is also 'friendly' coercion, pressuring and tacit or implied THREATS, as part of a concerted, subtle, underhanded and furtive CAMPAIGN.
"ONE DAY HE CAME OVER" - he was IN HER HOUSE, HER BEDROOM, the threat all too deducible that if she didn't give up the goods, he at the very least would withdraw his total personage and support, something too valuable and vital to her and her survival instinct at the very needy time. WELL, AGAIN - LOOK - WITHDRAW HIS SO-CALLED STAUNCH FRIENDSHIP IS PRECISELY WHAT HAPPENED THE MINUTE SHE DID FINALLY ASSERT HERSELF AND SHUT UP SHOP! So cased closed on that score.
1. "One day he came over and I told him I didn't want to make a move because of the fact he is my exes best friend."
Translation: I'm not over him = Translation = Still in-love with him, still bruised, battered, vulnerable, dizzy as hell....not in my usual full-cylindered frame of mind, i.e. NOT COMPUS MENTUS ENOUGH TO BE CAPABLE OF GIVING PROPER, MEANINGFUL CONSENT.
What - he doesn't understand English or implication himself, this Mr Gump? That's funny, from one of the kings of implication.
And what did you say you didn't want to make a move TO? His request for a nice cup of tea? Yeah, right. Or maybe you took his coat, said what nice weather we'd been having and then just immediately spun round and blurted, 'I don't want to make any move'?
2. A healthy-minded male doesn't think, 'I need me a girlfriend or FWB, from where shall I fish? I KNOW - THE EMOTIONAL INTENSIVE CARE WARD! Those that do tend usually to be the equally hospitalised or the low-down predator aka Narcissist or "Psycho" (this case, Narc).
3. "I stopped him and told him it wouldn't mean anything" (IN THE HOPE IT'D PUT HIM OFF) but ***things*** proceeded anyway."
Did "THEY"? Those pesky "THINGS", eh? Always causing trouble. ;-)
4. "We've now done it a total of three times and all three of them I didn't even enjoy myself."
No, that's right. You DON'T when it's not something you've envisaged thus have no pre-prepared mental script or screenplay for (gottim!, got you!) and feel it's even slightly against what you ACTUALLY wanted - just a reliable FRIEND in your hours of need. Someone who'd take care of you, not exploit you to get what they secretly want, this case, quick and easy FREE s*x, hopefully without any struggling.
5. Your boyfriend should know that. How come he was so damned easy to persuade AGAINST knocking this friend's head off? And what is it about all you've gleaned from boyfriend in those 2 long years that made you fully anticipate GETTING ANGRILY BLAMED FOR BEING DATE-RAPED OR ANY KIND OF RAPE???
And how come something was grave enough to warrant chucking you but then suddenly wasn't, just like magic?
Curiouser and curiouser, said Alice.
6. " I recently ended it with the other guy he was upset but understood he couldn't force me to stay."
No, that's right. He wouldn't ever be that over-the-table obvious. He ensures to straddle that finer line between fully-consensual and non-fully-consensual as includes not-fit-to-consent. Under-The-Table Rape. Gross sexual exploitation of someone in a state of high vulnerability.
7. "I told him we should be honest and if he was worried about their friendship he wouldn't have done it in the first place."
Good for you! Obviously you DID manage to get back on your feet, eventually. But the chain of actions say he wasn't expecting or worried about any such confrontation in the first place.
8. "Also, why did you and your ex break up? And do you think it's a good idea to get back together with him when things didn't work out before?" (- Altreal)
I agree. Particularly as your choice can't even be called free-will, considering... You go lick an unripe orange. Then lick a ripe lemon. Now immediately taste the unripe orange again. Tastes a lot sweeter and more palatable than you remember, doesn't it. DOESN'T MAKE IT SO.
What a helpful friend, to have put you off the whole idea of getting back onto the dating market following a decent recovery, starting from scratch with a new fella, where there might well be - you are now very much reminded(!) - MORE wolves, whereby you're, quote, really happy and excited to have him back in your life.
" I told him from the beginning I didn't see him that way and it wouldn't mean anything. But he began kissing me and removing my clothes and that's basically what happened the next few times we hung out and that's why I needed to end it."
I NEEDED TO END IT BECAUSE I WAS NOT HAPPY ABOUT FINDING MYSELF HAVING TO HAVE SEX EACH TIME WITH THIS MAN.
NON-CONSENSUAL, CASE CLOSED.
PS: Only SEEMED angry. But not enough to get off his a*se or even really try...so damned easily persuaded not to, you impressive magician, you.
Right. Got it.
Oh, and you get date-raped or psycho-emotionally coerced into sex and all boyfriend's concerned about is HOW HURT *HE* IS?
Right. Got that too.
You need to start thinking, Anabella. Properly, I mean. And for that you need space. You're still vulnerable and not your usual, fully-functioning self.
Here when you need us.
You have a fair point im sorry for coming off as so naive. However things seem to finally be settling. I rid myself of the guy and no longer have to speak with him or see him so getting angry with him or messaging him to tell him off would only throw him back into my life after I just finally got him out. Also me and my ex broke up because of the fact he was put in rehab. I wasn't someone who could help him with what he was going through because I didnt fully understand he needed professional help and he put it in his head that he needed to be a hero and not drag me down with him. Not knowing in the process he was leaving me to deal with all of my stuff alone. He knew what I was facing and that I was undeniably falling apart so he made what he admitted to be a stupid decision to leave me so I didn't have to deal with his problems as well. Also to be clear he's not angry or upset with me he is angry at his friend and himself for leaving me alone. How did I convince him to drop it? I didn't he's still angry. I just simply convinced him not to run to the guy and do something that could get him in trouble. Me and my ex are both broken people at the moment so I don't intend to get back with him and if I do it won't be for a long time. I just simply am happy to have him in my life because no matter what I still care for him even though my actions my not reflect that fully. Honestly reading over this it's so much more dramatic than it truly is lol. But I'm happy right now I feel like I finally have things under control again and I'm not longer driving myself crazy worrying about my ex and I think that's what is important here. :-) @soulmate
I aim to reply just as soon as, but I'm too up against it at the mo - bear with?