Urge to kill
I'm a seventeen years old female teenager. I'm your shy, quite, patient, hard-working, good at school, pretty boring and average teen. Not the type to scare anybody.
From what I know, I've always been really, really stoical. I can endure a pretty huge amount of cristicism and bullying before ever fighting back. Thus, when I do fight back, I throw all the pain, frustration, anger I kept for myself in one shot and I become really nasty, sadistic even. I can say very violent and mean things that I usually don't regret, except when it's towards my parents and only sister. That's why we can say that I'm a very frustrated person on a daily basis.
Since I'm ten, I've had multiple episodes of depression, of paranoia, a constant feeling that everybody is always mocking me, insulting me, or that my friends are always pitying me.
Add to this a self-esteem that swings between the point where I genuinely believe that I don't deserve to live or to ever be happy, and the point where I think that I'm better than anybody ever born, that I'm a saint and a gift from God. I swear I'm not exaggerating anything.
I'm sorry for all these useless paragraphs, I'm just trying to find an explanation to my problem : I've never talked about how I felt to anyone, and the result of all these years of containing everything have been, I'm afraid, me becoming insane for a year now.
Since I'm in middle school, every time I would hear some of my classmates whispering, giggling and looking at me once or twice, I'd always think that they were insulting me or making fun of me. I swear I'd be ready to smash their head to the classroom's walls at this moment, or cut their tongue with my cissors so they can never talk again. As I've already said, I've always said and thought about pretty violent things, and it runs in my father's blood as well to be aggressive. He would flip the house upside down when he'd be angry, but since he never physically abused his wife or any of his two daughters, no matter how angry he'd be, I never made a big deal out of my aggressiveness too.
But since last year, my thoughts are becoming more and more brutal, to the point where I want to murder someone.
Let me explain. My violent thoughts have always been justified in a way, because the person I'd want to hurt would have also been hurting me for a long time, or I'd be convinced they were making fun of me or despising me. So these thoughts would be me trying to defend myself in a way.
But since last year, these ponderings tend towards random people as well. Out of nowhere, for no reason, I'd start fantasizing about how good it would feel to peel one of my classmate's skin off. I spend now entire nights thinking about amazing ways to verbally humiliate someone I know, or physically torture someone I just met, or slowly and as painfully as possible murder someone I saw on the streets. And these scenarios I'm making up are, each time, more detailed and absurdly bloody, graphic and violent. I'm living in a constant state of anger and frustration not to be able to kill so strong that I sometimes realize that I have been pulling my hair and scratching my cheeks during those sleepless nights.
The reason I'm asking for your help today is because I'm too afraid to talk about it with my parents who already have enough problems, with my friends or my beloved little sister that I'd surely both scare, and apart from them I have nobody else I trust.
How can I stop these thoughts and how can I be less frustrated ? Each day, the urging of killing becomes stronger. I feel no remorse for thinking about murder and fantasizing about hurting people to death and it scares me. At this rate I am afraid that I will end up hurting someone. And even if I don't, I don't want to live for the rest of my life stuck between the anxiety to hurt someone and the frustration of not being able to do it.
Have a good day.
The thing about being stuck inside of your head and not just living and going about your daily life is that it's easy to bend and distort things to the point where you think you and everyone else are different than they actually are. You can lose touch with realism and just brood about things, and picture a whole entire scenario playing out differently than it actually would. And honestly, it sounds like you are being kind of immature about things too. You're a teenager, I get it, but even you know you're kind of kidding yourself and you're the one who wrote it.
I doubt you're a killer, and I doubt you will ever kill. I hope I'm right about that. The fact of the matter is, you're just an angry young girl who throws mental tantrums in a powerless, pathetic attempt to get your way. You won't solve anything by harming others, if anything you will make more problems for yourself, and feel even more guilt and sadness.
An odd analogy, but have you ever watched Dragonball at all? Well, the whole comic/cartoon is about a good man who loves to fight. Throughout the series, the protagonist meets stronger people who also love to fight, but they are often bad people, and think they are the strongest person in the universe. For a while the latest villain might get the better of the good guys, but eventually they are defeated. The ironic thing is these so-called villains who think they are the most powerful being in existence rarely are - as soon as they are defeated, some even more powerful character shows up, and it's up to the heroes to become stronger to defeat them. In contrast, those previous villains really never were all that strong - they just hadn't met someone stronger yet.
Life is much the same way. No matter what you think, there will always be people out there who are better than you in some way. There are people out there who have more of a reason to actually be angry or sad. How do you think some girl your age who lost her family feels? She is probably dealing with more than you are. It actually sounds like you're living a pretty good life. That's reason to be happy!
Likewise thugs and criminals might think themselves invincible and off-the-radar in the short-term, but often end up getting caught and prosecuted or running into someone much worse in the long run.
There are people out there who are actual murderers and sociopaths, and you probably would discover you are one of the more sane people on the planet if you were to read about them. Most of these people have more going on in their heads than you could comprehend right now - some of them actually have very high IQs and are good talkers, which is why they were able to get away with truly heinous crimes for so long. And a lot of them want to do more than just kill - usually they have some twisted ritual they do that is tied to a long-standing trauma they have.
Point is, yeah I get that it's tough being a teenager and being picked on and overlooked in life. But you're not really challenging yourself with the adversity to become a better person and maintain a positive mood regardless, you're just constantly stewing. You are in middle-school and life doesn't get much easier as it goes on. As you enter the workforce and learn about how complicated government and economic systems work, you will discover just how easy your life is right now.
Some of the other users here will probably be here for you to talk more about things and vent. If you feel like you need to and it might benefit you, it's not a bad idea to give things a shot and pay visits to a guidance counselor to talk about things. But at your age, with your seemingly okay life, I would say you don't require any deep therapy. What you are going through is probably pretty normal, and is something that will pass as you continue to mature and work your way through middle school and high school. Having people to talk to always helps out a lot.
Let me light up a couple things here for you, so that you get a better perspective of what's happening.
Usually, when people talk about other people is because they don't have a good enough life to take care of, so they dump the envy and hate over words of criticism towards others. Just let them be. The fact that they're talking about you means that you're way more interesting than anything else they have in their lives. Let them deal with it.
Now, about the aggressiveness. Please don't hold up for so long. Don't endure that amount of pain on your own. The right moment you feel attacked, stand your ground and shout. It's your right to defend yourself. Right here, right now. You don't have to take it from anyone. Rise your voice and make them hear you. (I know it can be difficult if you're shy, but give it a try, you may get some nice surprises there).
I play a lot of video games to flush my own stress. We only have to find the way to channel our feelings into something productive and we become a better version of ourselves.
I wish I could have come to a forum like this during my teenage years. We didn't even have the Internet as we know it today.
We got your back. Stay in the right path, use words, not for insults, but for defense. Ask them why they do it. Give them facts and disarm their negativity.
Something like "don't you have anything more interesting than me to talk about? Just go and found a fan-club" will ring some bells in their heads. No insults there, but a rock-hard statement that will give them something to think about. Words are powerful. A lot more powerful than violence. Use them to earn respect.
Let us know how it goes and let us support you as well.
Good luck, take care!
Thank you for the answers.
I am sorry I sounded whiny, but I am indeed trying to think in a more positive way and to be happier in general on a daily basis. But the negative thoughts immediately come back and are even more unhealthy.
Let's take this kid from my class who wanted to end his life. The reasons behind such suicidal thoughts happened to reach my ears from other classmates. Instead of pitying him, I started to hate this guy so much, that I could not think about anything but him. I could not bear his presence anymore. I started making scenarios where I could torture him, and it was so graphic that I once passed out in my room from these ponderings being too intense. My mother luckily heard my head smashing against the floor. I was just that angry. I made multiple scenarios where I could bring him to suicide for good. This kid isn't the only one. There are so many people I wish I could bring to suicide, by bullying them and telling them what people don't say because moral says not to. I wish I could stop these ponderings but they bear in my mind systematically. Every time, it's for the same reason : so they can know real pain. I know it's selfish, but I suffer so much and am so angry with everyone.
I know some people have it way worse and I know I have no reason to suffer. But I can't stop the pain that always pops in my head even when I am having fun.
My mom could beat me up, physically hurt me, but all she did was abandoning her daughters when my grandmother died, and always criticize me, making me feel like I am not good at anything.
My dad could kick my mother, my sister and I, but he doesn't. He just comes home late, and drinks a lot, wastes a lot of money in shit and verbally abuses my mother, and puts pressure on his family.
I know I could be working to feed my family instead of having the chance to go to one of the best school of the country, even if it puts a lot of pressure on its students' shoulders.
I don't have the worst life at all. Now I feel really weak and bad for giving up to violence and hate towards others' happiness so easily.
Now about defense with words. Just thinking about it makes me frustrated. Using logical words could be so easy and healthy, because nobody would be hurt, and that's what makes me so unsatisfied. I don't know what is wrong with me. You are so positive and I am not.
I write. I draw a lot. It helped me going through my anxiety, and my suicidal thoughts, because I feel like I am good at something and it relaxes me. By the way, thank you for appreciating my writing, it means a lot since english isn't my first language. But as far as I remember, writing about my brutality never made it diseapper, it actually gave me more imagination, kind of like a fuel.
I am sorry I am so problematic. I guess that as long as I don't hurt anyone, it doesn't really bother anyone.
You're not problematic, its good that you're reaching out, its important and you are important to society. It sounds like you have deep rooted anger that is stemming from most likely, your childhood. I think you need to find out where this anger is coming from if you truly want to deal with this issue. Do you have access to counselors or a psychologist? they might be able to help you in pin-pointing the root of your anger - thats where you start with the solution, by finding where its stemming from. If you don't have access to either, maybe you can read up some more on it through books or more forums? google, free counselling in your area, and see what comes up. Don't be afraid to do this for yourself, you're clearly very self-aware, which is an amazing ability to have.
To be honest, I think a lot of people may have thoughts about violence towards others, but like ALTREAL says, above, you're probably not a killer. It sounds like you have a very vivid imagination - it sounds like through visualization, you're able to conjure intense feelings - this is really powerful... if you can feel that much from visualizing violence, can you imagine if you used the power of your mind to visualize positive things? Using visualization as a tool to realize goals is extremely powerful. Really a gift.
You need to change your focus. Instead of focusing on others, find something to become the best at. For example, boxing or running - something physical would be amazing for you, I think. I'm a huge fan of boxing, it helps to get out so much aggression and will do amazing things for your confidence. Look up youtube videos on beginner boxing techniques and practice - but really anything that you love doing - focus on that. When you become good, better, the best at something, you become more confident, and you feel like you're on top of the world.
I hope this helps a bit. Stay strong, shift your focus, and seek advice from a professional if it is accessible to you.
Man, you have a lot going on here. Thanks for sharing. I am having a very hard time empathizing here (do not confuse that with sympathizing). There has been some good suggestions from the previous posts. However, when it comes to suicide or homicide, I take it serious. I may not know what you feel but I must believe what you say. Not to, may lead to someone being seriously hurt or worse. There is no room for error here. You may be a teenager, but you are an intelligent one as shown with your proficiency in English. You even rationalize in English. Tres impressionnant!
You may be bi-polar (manic-depressive) which can be very dangerous if left untreated. None of us can make this diagnosis. Only a physician/psychiatrist and it may well be worth the visit.
Please, for your long term mental health (and for those you may want or need to victimize), consult a physician. We want only the best for you. Keep us informed on your progress and please continue to check in if you feel homicidal or suicidal.