I have been verbally abused by my father and I don't trust men
I have been verbally abused by my father when I was a child. He is schizophrenic and he would see and hear things that don’t exist. He heard that I was insulting him even though I never did and he would say things to me that a 7 year old can’t take or wouldn’t even know. At that time I didn’t realize/know that he was schizophrenic and I used to blame myself for what he said and cry myself to sleep. I didn’t tell my mom because I was afraid and ashamed. This kept on going for some time and a few years later I heard him say the exact same thing to my grandmother and that is when I couln’t keep it in anymore. I told mom and she didn’t react much to it. I don’t want to make her seem bad, she has been really nice to me. She was used to it and she probably didn’t want to make a scene in front of us.
However she has her own issues. She has hypothyroid and that makes her really angry. When she gets angry she is very aggressive and hostile. Anyway I was really angry at my father and hated him whenever I remembered past events. I didn’t have any real friends when I was growing up and the ones that I had I couln’t keep them. Many times people called me weird. I really hated myself and killing myself was all I thought. I wasn’t brave enough to hurt myself or else I wouldn’t be able to write this post today. I also had severe anxiety. When I was to stand in front of class my heart beat could be heard, my hands were shaking and so did my voice.
When I started college it was the best time of my life. People began to like and I liked myself too. Then my grandma died. I was again depressed, she was my favorite person in the world. Shortly after I met my boyfriend. He was really nice and supportive. It has been 3 years up to now. I think even though he may not he looks at other girls when he is with me. I told him that many times. He said I am accusing him and called me a liar. I don’t trust man and don’t trust him either. Yet again I am depressed( I guess because I have not been clinically diagnosed before). I don’t have friends. I feel worthless and lonely. I considered suicide once again but I pity my family and don’t want them to go through it. I don’t think I am qualified for any job and don’t want one either. I want to talk to someone about how I feel but ı don’t have anyone.(My boyfriend tells me I need to see a psychologist and he can’t help me solve these and we decided not to talk for a while.) I feel this is a cycle that repeats itself. I want out of it. I want to achive things, have friends and trust people. Please respond and tell me how I can be better and escape this cycle. By the way I still live with my parents, my father and I are fine now. I confronted him but he wouldn’t admit what he did. I want to leave family home but I don’t have any saved money. Thanks for being patient and taking the time to read.
Have a good day
Please talk to a psychologist and a psychiatrist too. Yours is not any chronic issue. But you need to consult them and you will be fine. Please dear don't hestate to take medical help.
I have been to a psychologist but it was provided by government for free. For a few sessions I told about my problems but she didn't comment much and was taking notes all the time so it didn't work out for me. Financially and timewise I can afford a psychologist but money coming from my parents. The issue is I don't want them to know I'm seeing a psychologist. I have a little bit of money saved but should I spend it for this matter? I am not sure if it will work. I don't want to be prescribed any medicines. That will bring me down even more.
Hi Fruit Fly. I am sorry for the emotional challenges that you face that are not your fault. Seven year olds are never to blame for emotional trauma, but often become victims of other’s behaviors. I currently have relationships with traumatized adolescence so I have some appreciation for the pain and thoughts you may demonstrate.
With that being said, suicide has never been a viable response to emotional pain. Please promise us that if you ever have the feeling to attempt suicide and have a plan and means to complete suicide, you will connect with any one of 3 trusted and reputable people/groups that will talk with you. This group forum can be one of the sources, another can be hot lines (National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK or 8255; the National Hope line Network at 1-800-SUICIDE or 1-800-784-2433) another can be a non-judgmental person, physician or therapist who has the time and the understanding to talk you through the crisis and disable the plan. The crisis is temporary……suicide is permanent. Trust us and promise us. We care.
Your comments of worthlessness and loneliness are consistent with someone that may have clinical depression. Consistent with the previous response, trauma and depression are often a group fix. It may take a community. Clinical depression (when diagnosed) is a biological need that often can be corrected with medication.
Perhaps we can begin by setting up a plan to attack this issue. However, the plan must be yours with which we are willing to help. Begin with your values in life. For example, is employment you primary need (economic), or good health (medical), or perhaps moving out (independence). Is it a spiritual, social, or status (achievement) need? Once you identify your values or principles and their order of importance to you, we can set up solutions and consequences for the choices to the problems. It may sound complicated but with all of us helping it could be the beginning of some hope.
Begin with trusting others, even men. You don’t have to put yourself in a compromising position when you trust someone. Expect the unexpected and have a way out. Thanks for sharing and we hope to hear from.
Thank you so so much for the comments. I needed to know someone cared and didn't expect anyone to reply because I thought(when I read a couple of posts on the website) my problems were trivial. I was even worried that someone will reply saying I am exaggerating and shouldn't have made a big deal about it. 8TWENTY8 I still continue with my college education. When it's done I'll work right after to make a decent amount of money and move out. Now my primary goal is to develop skills to be good at my future job. I usually avoid trying because I'm so afraid of failure, this time I will put more effort into things and try trusting people even though I won't but will make it seem like I do. Maybe that will change my perspective. I decided to talk to a psychologist and will do it in secret without my parents knowing. I know I can't make sudden changes at once and all these will take some time. Again thank you so much for support and guidance. I am grateful.
SUSIEDQQ I am so touched by your comment. It brought tears to my eyes someone telling me I am a survivor.Thank you so much.
Thanks for engaging us, Fruit Fly. Confidence and trust will be strengthened when you know you have a support network and you begin to step out again. Most of us fear failure, even the most successful. But given the chance, failure acts as the process of finding ways that don't work. Its part of the confidence building process and trust building, not just trusting others, but also trusting yourself.
I like your plan of continuing your education and finding independence from these skills. I am also pleased you recognize the time this whole process may take. Patience is a virtue, you know.
Most importantly, thanks for continuing your therapy. Make sure there is progress in better health management. You will know by how you feel. This too, will take time. Keep us informed.