We feel like we don't exist
My husband and I both feel that when it comes to our families, particularly our parents, that we don't exist.
Here's some background on them.
My parents have pretty much chosen alcohol over me and that's the way it's been since I was 4, I am now 33. It wasn't a nice environment to grow up in, parents drunk majority of the time they were together, arguing and fighting. No love was shown towards me and I was basically left to my own devices.
Once I moved out I felt things were a bit better but nothing has changed. It's still alcohol over everything else. Most of the time I talk to my mum on the phone, she has been drinking, even as early as mid morning! My dad is very rarely sober when he's home from work, he works away a lot.
They don't even bother coming to visit, I live about 40 miles away. Just seems like too much effort for them, even when they are in the city I live in, they won't even bother telling me they're here let alone visit! But yet they expect me to jump through hoops for them and do things for them!
My husbands parents, he had a better upbringing than I did, but the same as me, no love was shown towards him and as a result he's grown up keeping things to himself which has had an affect on him.
We've been together 11 years and in that time I've noticed how his parents are towards him. They aren't interested in him, they rarely call or text him. They actually haven't been to our house for over 2 years!
He's the youngest of 3 and gets treated like he doesn't exist!
His oldest brother is about to go through divorce number 2 and got into another relationship soon after! Husbands parents see him every week along with his 3 children and have made the effort to have many get together with him and his girlfriend. This brother doesn't bother with my husband either! His wife threw him out because of his behaviour towards her, the amount of money he was spending and it was A LOT, and he also had a cocaine habit! The inlaws know this but chose not to aknowledge it! He can't do no wrong in their eyes.
His other brother has recently split with his wife as he'd been found out about having an affair AGAIN! This brother doesn't talk to my husband either and again the parents chose not to aknowledge this!
the whole situation has been getting to me a lot recently.
I have tried talking to my parents about their drinking but it's fell on deaf ears and as a result there's no point in mentioning the fact they rarely bother with me.
Husbands situation is down to him to deal with but he knows exactly how I feel about it all.
I actually don't talk to my mother in law because of how she treats me. It's blatantly obvious she doesn't like me. We took our niece on holiday last year (she's my mother in laws favourite) and she actually said she wasn't happy about it! Then 3 months after the holiday I heard here be horrible about me to my husband!
She's so two faced! So I now just keep away from her.
I really don't know what to do for the best. It's really getting to me now. More so because my husband and I are trying for a baby and we would like family to be a part of their lives, but if our upbringings and how we are treated are anything to go by then why should we even bother trying. As my husband said, we are trying for a baby for ourselves and no one else and the baby (should we have one) would have us and they wouldn't have the upbringing we did.
I really don't know what to do any more, it just angers me that we are basically forgotten about by our families. Does anyone have any advice? Hanks for reading.
I remember seeing this: Some distant relatives need to stay that way: distant.
So - let them go, let them ALL go. They are toxic and not good for you and husband,
How does your husband feel? Does he long for a relationship with an older couple that could be a parent/mentor substitute?
You could make that happen if you have a church and/or an opportunity to do volunteer work with the elderly.
As for your siblings - no need to try to develop a relationship with people who have problems. Again - join some groups of people who have the same issues.
I went to Children of Alcoholics meetings for a while. That helped me see how others survive being raised in chaos or neglect and how that affects their adult life.
Break the chain. Start your own code of "family ties."
The only way this is going to work out the way you're wanting it to, is if everyone acknowledges the issue and works towards the common end goal - the likelihood of that happening at this point? probably slim. With that knowledge, you can decide to move on to healing yourself for yourself - or keep dwelling on, what really is a loss of the family. Nothing can be forced to heal - there has to be choices made to either accept the situation and heal the wounds, or live in constant mental and emotional turmoil over it.
The best thing you can do for yourself in your situation, is to deal with your feelings of being invisible or forgotten. Its clearly an issue that stems from your childhood, and that theme seems to be a huge part of your way of perceiving your family ties and identity - I think if you were to talk to a Counsellor, they would probably be able to give you some ideas on how to confront those fears/issues. Once you've dealt with your pain, I think it would give you more inner stability when dealing with the family issues - If you keep trying to deal with the family issues without having dealt with your own pain and fears, I believe you will keep in this cyclical cycle of the same issues coming up over, and over. But once you've dealt with your pain, you can see the problem from a different perspective.
You can only control what you can control - that is how you think and therefore how you feel - you can't control the actions of others and you can't make people want what you want, or love you. But you can ensure that every move you make is taking you to a position of self empowerment - so, feeling connected, feeling confident and feeling your self-worth.
Heal yourself first by facing your fears - like i said a professional can probably help you do that - could take months, years! but once you have done that I'll bet you'll have a different perspective on this.
to add to what i said above. The choice to heal yourself is a gift you give to yourself. If you make that choice, you may have to do things that you don't necessarily want to do - but thats all a part of the process. Sounds like you really need to build yourself up because you were torn down a lot, I wish you luck on your journey.
Thanks for your reply SUSIEDQQ
You're right about them being toxic and no good for us. I've just been angry about it all weekend.
I actually had a long conversation with my hubby earlier, he actually said he doesn't care that his parents and brothers don't bother with him. It's not that he doesn't care about them, he just doesn't care about no contact. I was shocked when he said it but he at least told me how he feels. He finds it difficult to talk at times and is currently seeing a counsellor.
I think the same as he does about my parents but I told him I was making some changes and not let them treat me like a mug anymore!
We are both keeping our distances from them, they just put us down.
I think my husband just craves the love he never got as a child. He's really fond of his grandmother and she is of him, so I'll suggest to him to spend time with her, it may help.
I'm already part way there with breaking the chain, I'm nothing like my parents and if one day I become one, it will be broken for good.
Thanks for your reply KKPWGYDAB
I already know nothing will change. I've tried talking to them as I mentioned in my main post. I accepted the type of people they were a long time ago but for some reason, this weekend I've been angry.
I did actually see a psychologist for over 2 years and it helped so so much. I was depressed and had been for some time before finally seeking the help I so desperately needed.
But you're right, it has stemmed from childhood but, time has passed between me stopping being finished with the psychologist to now, obviously things have happened in that time but nothing has seemed to bother me the same, as I know how to get myself through it.
I know now that I need to make peace with the situation as I know it will never change, as you said, I can't control others actions.
What you have said has been really helpful and I appreciate it. Tomorrow is a new day and I plan to wake up with a different outlook. Thanks again.