Am I unreasonable?
I don't know what to do. I have been married 7 years, together for 8. Everything was good until about 2 weeks after we got married. He turned into a super jealous person and we fought constantly about my past and how he didn't like it.(I would go out with friends when my kids were with their father and he thought that that meant I was acting like a whore.) It's like he became a completely different person. He doesn't work because he has depression and says he can't so I am the bread winner. It wouldn't be so bad but I don't just bring in the money. I do the cooking and cleaning and going to the store and taking the kids to school and appointments and everything. I take care of my 2 children and his daughter who doesn't like me being around and complains if he's not spending all his time with her when she wants it. She constantly interrupts us and yells at him if he doesn't pay attention to her when she wants. I have to wait until she's ok to have a conversation with him. I've tried to talk to him about this but he just says he's lucky she wants to spend all the time with him. I understand wanting to spend time with your mom and dad but she ALWAYS wants to and she's in high school and she has no friends and doesn't care because her daddy is her best friend. It's hard because he always picks at me about my children not doing things right but the thing is they do their chores and are responsible so I think maybe it's a jealousy thing because they don't treat me the way she does him but it still sucks. I've tried to tell him I need help with the house and stuff and he tells me that I'm inconsiderate of his disease because depression makes it hard to think about others and what they want. He always tells me how his life sucks and will never be the way he wants because no one understands him. I try so hard to make him happy and in turn am making myself unhappy and am told how unappreciative I am of what he does for me.(Not sure what he does.) He tells me to leave him but when I say I will he gets all paranoid and all lovey dovey saying how much he loves me. I honestly feel he just stays with me because of all he gets and doesn't have to do anything to get it. I feel so used. Sorry for rambling. Just needed to get it out and know if I'm being unreasonable or not.
So you have 2 children, the step-daughter from hell and one useless husband, who in my eyes is your third child. He complains his life sucks?? No, the only person whose life is sucking is YOURS!!You do everything, take care of everything, the only bread winner and you have had time to try to make HIM happy.
There is a saying "If Momma ain't happy ain't nobody happy" You say you feel so used" the feeling is real, you are being used. You really think you're being "unreasonable" Your husband is the unreasonable one, for two weeks you only saw his "Representative" the guy he wasn't. He's con and a fraud- 7 years is long enough. You will need some financial and legal advice to understand your obligation to support your husband and for how long. Make a plan, its time.
He says he is diagnosed. He was diagnosed before I met him. He is prescribed but doesn't take meds because he doesn't like how they make him feel he says. I have no doubt he's depressed sometimes and I know he has psychological problems(got upset because we didn't go to a concert and we fought for days because he said it was my fault even though I told him to go), but how did he hide all of it for over a year? He was a completely different person. He always brings it up too. One night he came in the room saying it sounded like my daughter,17 years old, was choking. I thought she probably wasn't because why not just help her instead of coming all the way in the bedroom to tell me. I went in and she was fine. About 10 minutes later he comes in the bathroom off of our bedroom and makes some weird cough sound. I didn't say anything because we had been fighting. He came out and said "I was throwing up and you didn't even ask if I was ok but you ran to help your daughter." After he said that I knew it was a test and I apparently failed it. It's things like that that make me think sometimes he's using it as an excuse. I have lived with a clinically depressed person and while it wasn't easy they weren't mean to me like he is.
Idealize, Devalue, Discard (temporarily but convincingly, as a ploy, or permanently, usually also as a ploy). Indeed, it is not automatic that depression makes one behave like a prize a-hole.
SAYS he's diagnosed. And before you met him (how convenient). And *doesn't* wave the magic wand that, with just a bit of time and patience, make it all better (meds) for everyone else along with himself (you'd think), because he chooses making life for you (and no doubt the kids) a continual misery over feeling a wee bit groggy for a week or two.
Not unique, though (pff, I wish!). Here: http://www.newhopeforwomen.org/red-flags-for-domestic-abuse
Then here: http://www.newhopeforwomen.org/abuser-tricks
Bearing in mind, for every tangible entity there is a psychological equivalent so you can batter a person physically and/or batter them psychologically and emotionally (the former where it long-term affects and adjusts your beliefs and behaviours, etc., the latter where upsets greatly but only in the moment...unless repeated often enough...but note psych-emo in most cases (them getting away with it) leads on to physical).
He's a Narcissist (or not nice Borderline) Personality, bears all the characteristic hallmarks (incl. plays silly psychological games and blames others or some-THING, this case, the classic - I'm depressed - for *his* choice - CHOICE - to be woefully inadequate or offensive/assaulting).
They *all* hide it. It's called, The Mask (and then the mask coming off, either bit-by-bit over months/couple of years or in one, fell swoop, all depends upon how irreplaceable and indispensable they believe they have you convinced they are at that point). If they didn't capture you with that characteristic, very high-speed charm offensive (as includes making you believe he's your true male counterpart), none of them would get past the relationship 2-week or couple of months stage, think about it. They show you a false persona in order to hook you (think Kiddie Catcher and his 'sweetie shop' from Chitty-Chitty). And then once sure you've hit the point of no return (i.e. would now hurt big-time to terminate the relationship - more so, given that the detachment - 'getting over' - is just a reversal of the Traumatic Bonding, their M.O. - go Google - they implement to get you so hooked, so fast).
You're seeing the real him and the bloke you fell in-love with never existed. (Headf*ck, right? And that's putting it mildly!) He/they has no respect for women (or anyone), least of all you, just wants an unpaid servant, nanny, sex-slave, cook, bottle-washer, cleaner...AN EXTENSIVE OF HIMSELF AND HIS WARPED WORLD VIEW, and to be looked after as they sit there on their (opposite of earned, opposite of deserved) royal throne, doing, by whatever degree (there's a spectrum), Sweet F.A. Instead of paying you, they get you to do it all for-free, out of LOVE. Because "they love you, oh, so-so-soso MUCH!" (don't) and are the answer to your romantic prayers (not).
Predator and Parasite all in-one. THEY DON'T EVEN BELIEVE IN LOVE. They think us kind-hearted, loving types who believe in love are IDIOTS.
No, neither would you or I believe in Love if, growing-up, both our first ever lovers, our Lover templates (bar the sexual aspect - ma and pa) had abused and/or neglected us - and thereby 'said' that the whole idea of Love was a lie, a myth. But you can't feel sorry for them because it makes not the slightest bit of difference (too late). In fact, it can be your downfall.
"Boo-hoo, it's because I'm depressed, boo-hoo, you *made* me say or do horrid things that cut you to the quick or shredded your character". YOUR OWN HUSBAND CALLS YOU A WHORE?!!?! WHAT-AH!? (Understand, this is not surprise on my part, this is me reminding you of what a normal, healthy male does ..or this case, doesn't ever do/say nor ever *would* do/say to his own supposed love-of-life and mother of his kid(s).)
He's not super-jealous. Not via the heart, like you yourself understand it. You're simply the Golden Goose (or workhorse) he needs to keep safe from other user-parasite-bullies or nicer guys. And neither is it jealousy as you understand it over your kids being better behaved (he probably thinks they're over-soft, over-obedient, goodie two-shoes saps, same as you). It's him leaving a situation alone, refusing to solve it, because it's all so-helpfully aiding him in WEARING YOU DOWN to where (him fitter, you exhausted and demoralised) he'll become the boss of you, of everyone and everything, including (usually) your finances. PLUS, think about it - she makes calling him to account via a discussion, very, very difficult (inadvertent bouncer, anyone?). You'll end up the zombie who says, 'Yes dear, no dear, shove a razorblade up my left nostril to prove how much I love you? - *sigh*, if you insist, dear'. Next, if you end up so zombified and defeated (or over-brimming with resentment) you can't show interest or function to your normal standard, in comes the Charm Offensive and reminding you "how much they love you" all over again (Cycle of Abuse, go Google) and how they "just can't help it" but "it doesn't mean I don't LOVE you, don't be SILLY!". Oh yeah? So how does one USUALLY tell when someone dislikes and has zero respect for them? It's how they tend to treat you, and consistently, isn't it?
You married a bully who doesn't believe in love, doesn't have the brain mechanisms any more (or in rare cases, never did) for feeling or responding to love (Attachment Disorder, go Google) and for whom there's little else to gain from life except for whatever they can take-take-take (without giving for). There is no two-way street going on and never will be.
IF HE HAD AN ACTUAL MEDICAL CONDITION CAUSING THIS BEHAVIOUR, I.E. NO CONTROL OVER IT, THEN HOW COME IT DOESN'T EVER SLIP OUT IN PUBLIC OR IN FRONT OF PEOPLE WHO LIKE AND LOVE YOU AND WOULD LIKELY TELL YOU TO CUT & RUN OR CONFRONT HIM? I (hopefully) rest me case.
Deny, deny, deny that the sky is Blue. In fact, it's Green with Purple Spots ...according to them. And if you refuse to believe them? - AGGRO OR ASSAULT TIME, for which they suck you into an "argument". Basically, it's do as I say, not what I do (and if that rule changes tomorrow, so be it) or I'll bully you in myriad ways, not least, by the heart.
It all sounds incredible, doesn't it? Like something out of a bad daytime TV melodrama. Nope, it's real alright. More's the pity. Sorry. :-(
'Not sure what he does'? F-all, isn't it? Just treats you like said unpaid, sh*t-on-his-shoe servant, i.e. batters your heart and belief systems, and then gets you love-drunk again (on your own brain chemistry, by knowing which buttons to rapidly press) the minute he can tell your love-tinteds have gone askew or almost fallen off your nose altogether. Now you're fit for another round of 'you're my kicking cat and boy do I have loads of kicking still to do'. Pump...deflate...Pump...deflate...on and on and on. But MEANWHILE, your financial health is suffering, your mental health, your bodily health and joie de vivre,....down, down, down the pan you and your kids' lifestyle goes. Once they've squeezed every bit of juice out of you *or* you refuse to get up off the floor, they discard you for a new victim (soft-hearted) / target (meaty challenge)...albeit, don't actually break-up with you in any final, definite way (which is to keep you warm on the side *in case* he needs to return at any point, no matter how remote might seem the possibility - it's called Narcissistic Supply - Google).
It's either a Takeover Bid or Use Forever Bid.
Just got to this bit:
" saying it sounded like my daughter,17 years old, was choking. I thought she probably wasn't because why not just help her instead of coming all the way in the bedroom to tell me. I went in and she was fine. About 10 minutes later he comes in the bathroom off of our bedroom and makes some weird cough sound. I didn't say anything because we had been fighting. He came out and said "I was throwing up and you didn't even ask if I was ok but you ran to help your daughter." After he said that I knew it was a test and I apparently failed it. It's things like that that make me think sometimes he's using it as an excuse. I have lived with a clinically depressed person and while it wasn't easy they weren't mean to me like he is."
:-) Ultimately, he doesn't stand a chance. You're too clear-sighted and grounded, GOOD ON YA!!! If anyone's going to end up exhausted, it's him! Sorry - the more exhausted of the two, I should say. So don't even go there. Insist on a formal separation, see a solicitor (preparation is everything and information is power (as well as fodder for walking on air as you leave his/her office...don't let the fact it's a big step daunt you)), and then see how you feel after "de-sliming". Make it 3 weeks at the very least - DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK AT WEEKS 4 TO 6, IT'S THE SHAKIEST TIME - and 6 months at the most. Just get out of his warped force-field for as long as you can manage on whatever pretext(s).
To answer Susie's question for you: it would be MUCH, MUCH BETTER - at first and increasingly so from there (you *and* your kids). You'd all start to soar. You're a powerhouse with a big heart and big pockets, and no doubt so are your Mini-Mes. That's how come you attracted a parasite, that's how it works.
The GOOD news is, he's one of the thicker ones whereas you're one of the more plugged-in..not 'victim' - TARGET (challenge). That 'choking contest' of his was so damned asinine and childish it (to the uninitiated) beggars belief.
Your alternative is you simply CEASE supporting him like he's your toddler (-with-not-so-toddler-ish-tastes)...which means no more perks and 'pocket-money'... and CEASE engaging when he tries to push your negative buttons. Try instead (with Poker Face) saying, 'That's not logical, is it', any time he starts up. Or say, 'I'm onto you' (and refuse to explain how or why). See what happens if you JUST WON'T PLAY.
If that doesn't improve matters (although how keeping your own husband at a physical and emotional distance is any kind of improvement, I don't know) then - it's important when you ring any solicitor, that  they specialise in Family Law and  have knowledge and experience of/with NPD spouses and the like. The child in the grown-up-suit.
Do you have any divorced female friends you could make enquiries with? Again - just to be ready "if" and feel more strong and powerful and generally sure of yourself?
PS: 'Acting like a wh*re'. I think if I recall correctly, that's still at Number 2 in the NPD Warped Sayings chart. Has he told you how stupid you are yet?
PPS: SkinnyGirl and Susiedqq got him pegged, look. :-)
I know he is getting exhausted with my not backing down because at first I just said to myself "maybe I am too hard on him and don't understand his struggles." Then over the years it became a pattern. He only gets irritated or mad when something isn't the way he wants, which is way more often than anyone I've known. That's why I feel it's an excuse. I come right out and tell him things. I don't sugar coat stuff. I tell him when I think his daughter is running our lives and I don't like it. I tell him when I know things he hides, i.e. Subscriptions to porn sites.
I was married before him for 10 years. My then husband cheated on me with my then best friend and so I left. We have a good relationship and never really fought. Everything was always very amicable. My current husband hates that we are cordial with each other and always says he can't believe I am nice to someone who cheated on me and argue with him when he never has. When I say it's more for the children than for me he says I'm lying and still want him and blah, blah, blah.
When we argue he always says he's sorry and loves me over and over and I don't because I'm upset and can't say that stuff when I'm upset. That to him translates to I don't care about him and don't love him. Funny thing is that I always say I love him and have actually asked him why he never says it or kisses me or anything when we aren't fighting. He only says it when we are fighting. Why? To act like he's the one that wants peace? I don't know.
I don't have any friends that have been divorced. They all, as well as my sisters, have been in long term happy marriages. I think my problem of wanting to please people bit me in the ass this time around. Also, I think since he wasn't a go out and drink and party type of person I thought he was safe and wouldn't hurt me like my last husband did. I feel this is worse than what he did to me though. I know what I gotta do. It's just figuring out how to do it. We live in a very close knit town and everybody lives within 10 minutes of each other. His parents live right down the street from mine. We grew up together, although didn't know each other, just of each other.
I guess I wanted once and for all to know that I'm not the unreasonable one in this situation. I've tried for 7 years.
One other thing. He says he doesn't mean the mean things he says and that if I didn't get so mad when he just asks a question then he wouldn't say them. I told him that's blaming me for his bad behavior and he just says he's not a monster and won't be treated like one. I don't treat him like one that's the thing. I just call him out on his shit.
Enough is enough.
You deserve better.
You have some very good advices up there.
Take care and be happy!
Mae, bear with, will respond shortly (am excessively busy of late).
PS: Only seven. I'm impressed! :-) (The first year doesn't count because that was the Love-Bombing stage, so, in terms of the REAL him - it's (only) 7.)
MAE, are you still there (here)?
Yes, I am still here.
mae, I don't know what you are getting from this? you don't sound unreasonable but what you do sound (both of you is very incompatible!) maybe its time to take a break from this person before your health suffers, as well as you love of life and self esteem (which already sound stretched to the limits here).
this loser is disrespectful of you as a partner, a person, an equal and mother of your children...there is so much from what you say that sounds as though you are very unhappy and I wonder whether you will ever really get the support from this man that as a partner you need.
he sounds a first class manipulator and is playing with your emotions and is controlling you.
you know what is right for you deep inside your heart (more than anyone on any help based website can tell you - however well meaning or lenghty), so hopefully you will make the choices in time that can really help you with this problem.
if there is anyway you can separate, or take a short break or holiday away from this man then id strongly recommend that, if not then maybe if you haven't already tried it, it might help you to call a professional help number to talk in complete confidence about how you are feeling and could help you if you do need more active advice or future contact lines to deal with other issues.
good luck and talk to people that you know and trust completely, if you can't do that, then maybe talk to professionals or see if there are any support groups near you or counselling lines you can let go to. even a group or drop in centre to chat away from your home might make you feel more able to open up and say more than you can online.
sometimes online forums can be useful for the first steps if the problem is a complicated one, but in the bits you've already said then I feel it might help you more if you could go to a place where you can actually talk face to face and tell ALL OF THE SITUATION, or phone someone like Samaritans that can give you a lot of time and support to unburden your self, as it will help you heal if you can find the courage to open up.
ps. 7 years is a LONG TIME trying to always put someone you are dating/married to first!!!!!!!!! it may be a good thing you don't know or have divorced friends, this is your situation, not thiers and you may find that not having outside influences might help you in a funny way. plus you wont be involving them into your business (as they might be biased one way or another, which might cloud your vision if some say one thing and others think another).
I think if you could get time away from this man and break the cycle you've got into of attracting user type people into your relationships, it might give you some space, even if its just for a weekend away with a relative or friend.
but ultimately, it sounds like this relationship is over and you need to be on your own to get your life and happiness back.
once without either of these men holding you back in your thoughts and impacting on your life now, dont forget mae that once you were a happier person. and you can be again. but until you get your own unique strength back (and that will come from being out of his controlling ways), then you may struggle to find that happiness for as long as he's in your space, suffocating your every moves...who-knows....maybe for the next 7 years!!!!!!!
that's not a healthy way to lead a life.
life is short and you don't know what is round the corner.
don't waste your precious time on this person!!!!!! it doesn't sound like he loves you or even knows what real love is anymore!
be strong, and take time out for you.XXXXXXXXX I suspect its been a while you've put yourself first!!!!! so start to be the strong mae that you once used to be and things will change for you in time. sending you lots of love and good wishes.....XXXX
So sorry, Mae, I've not been very well placed for frequent posting of late (putting it mildly) and lost my at-that-time rare window not long after I posted. Sorry if perhaps you felt abandoned (and kudos if you didn't), the regulars know why but not new visitors, like yourself. However, things are starting to ease off so if, again, you're still here - what's the latest? Any update? Have you been exploring the whole subject on the net? What dots have you managed to connect? Let me see where you're at on your escape & recovery path (or practise run-up) and then I can know which mysteries I need demystify for you (e.g. "He only says it when we are fighting. Why?").
Sorry to have to do it this way round but I'm still not quite yet that sufficiently 'time-rich'.
Anyway, as the alert isn't working properly for me on this thread for some strange reason, I'll keep a close eye out for the next week. :-)