Am I really ready for this marriage? Children?
My name is Vadim. It's my first post here - I feel like I need some advice to get my head together...
I'm a bit cautious about how I describe my marriage at this right moment as at different emotional states I might feel completely different.
Right now - I am somewhere between confused and hopeful, desperate for things to feel good when they are not really feeling right...
I've been married for almost a year - our anniversary is coming soon. We've known each other for 5 years before we got married. I'm soon 29, she is 25.
Had our ups and downs as every couple, but we managed to get through and stay together.
She wants a baby big time. She says it's been her dream since she was a child (taking care of her little sister).
After we got married - this dream of hers became even more persuasive to the point that she got depressed about our future plans...
We had this plan to leave UK and travel Europe, find another country to settle in and build a family there.
My wife had a strong feeling of raising kids outside UK as she doesn't think it's the best infrastructure for it in UK.
My own reasons to travel Europe was to do with my passion for busking. The common misconception here -
I actually earn a very good money from doing it, it's my main full time job at the moment and the most important thing - I do what I love.
On top of busking I wanted to make a professional YouTube channel about our Europe travels something like PianoAroundTheWorld guy on YouTube with 100k subscribers.
I also had a business idea that needs an investment - and my long term plan here - was to earn as much money as possible during the summer season and then invest it into the business to secure our family.
We also talked about it with my wife -
thinking this is the best time to do something like that in life, we are relatively young, we don't have children yet,
we don't have many things holding us back from doing it - great plan!
A CHANGE -
However - when 2018. hit in and we had to get ready to pursue our dreams, my wife got extremely unsure about this whole plan.
She got scared it will add 2 years before we can have a baby... And even though she wanted to leave UK before having children,
she was now convinced we have to start trying, she said it's not a time to do "impulsive traveling", the clever thing to do is to stay where we are...
We were both very depressed for a week - I felt like she is stopping me from my dream...
I never wanted to be in situation where I have to decide between my passion and marriage (or making baby's), and here I was.
I heard of stories of people getting married and giving up on their dreams - and I never wanted to be one.
The compromise was to change the order of our plans.
I mentioned my long term plan was to earn money and invest into business, well - my wife had savings.
So she offered me her savings, so I don't have to travel Europe to earn this money in return to start trying for a baby.
After long conversation I agreed with a promise to do a Europe trip next year as it is still a big dream and passion of mine I don't want to give up.
6 MONTHS LATER -
I have a lot on my shoulders -
My business is going really well and I am earning $3-4k per month and keep growing my business,
but I am not taking any $ out yet and work very hard for it.
Still busking, also teaching piano as my main income and passion.
We've been trying for a baby for 4 months unsuccessfully...
My wife is getting more depressed and frustrated as it is not happening.
THE PROBLEM IS - it still scares me to have a baby.
And although we had "an agreement" if my wife gives me money for business, we try for a baby,
I feel like I have been bribed on my feelings to some degree...
I always thought I need to secure career first, get stable, build some assets and then raise a family.
And even though I managed to build a business with decent income, we still don't have these assets -
and what about things I always wanted to do? things that don't require money - but time...
Yesterday we had a conversation about the dream of traveling Europe next year - with income from business
it's even more possible than before. In fact - we could be already traveling Europe -
but there is no excitement from her side and her only comment was - we need to have a home first...
And it freaked me out... It seems like there will never be a time for my passions and dreams, family will always get in a way...
When I met my wife - we were both students in a Music University, she is a talented singer and wanted to build a professional career out of it.
Being a songwriter myself I helped her so much towards this dream, but in the end she didn't want it that much..
I feel like she has given up her singing career for a family dream. She works 9-5 job and doesn't work on singing anymore.
Her main reason why she works 9-5 is to get a maternity leave. In my eyes- she has already given up her dreams for a family dream...
From her point of view - she truly feels that this is what she has to do in here life now.
And I am opposite - I don't believe in giving up, I feel like you can both live your dream and have a family at the same time.
It's a choice. And when I see couples both working hard on their passions and raising families or when I see girls with passion to both raise a family and do career - I get envy.
I told my wife we can still live our dreams and try for a baby at the same time,
but she found is as I want her "to be different" and "I don't fully accept her"..
And I guess I don't see raising family - as a particularly great dream cause it doesn't answer what you want to do in your life very well for me..
I believe you can both achieve your potential and raise a family at the same time and it's hard for me to grasp the concept of giving everything else just for this.
WHAT IF I AM NOT READY FOR THIS YET?
Making children is a dream of hers and I am still so full of ideas and passions I want to do in life -
it seems like we are growing apart... I want her to be part of this great world and dive into opportunities with me,
but she only thinks about stability, getting pregnant etc.
I don't see the problem of doing both.... But she is just not interested in the other part.
IS SHE RIGHT FOR ME?
IS IT EVEN A RIGHT TIME TO MAKE A BABY IF I AM DOUBTING MY WIFE?
These questions drive me crazy sometimes. I love her very much, but when I look at the whole situation from logical point of view -
I think its is doomed for a disaster...
To all the above - I want to add her point of view - as I think having only my own thoughts will be a bit biased.
"My wife thinks no matter how hard she is trying - she will be never enough for me.
There will be always some better women out there who are better if I keep comparing.
I should not be comparing to other couples...
She feels like I don't appreciate her desire to be a mom.
She thinks not every women out there is has a real passion for kids and it's blessing if you have it.
She says there are some selfish, irresponsible moms out there - and she would never be the one, because her passion is to be great mom.
She strongly believes when we have kids - she will be the greatest mom.
My wife supports me, but perhaps not in a way that I expect her to.
That's why she feels undervalued.
It's like I want her to change and push her to change to please me and she doesn't want to.
In regards to my dreams - she supports them, but thinks it is important to think of the family as well.
Sometimes she tells me - all I do is only think of "my own stuff" and don't care about her... "
Whenever we have a conversation - we just keep switching between HER and MINE point of view..
I want her to understand my concerns and work together with me, but it makes her feel like she is not being accepted as she is...
When I talk about my dreams, she tells me "I don't care about her"... I'm only trying to discuss both opinions.
You get the point - it is very hard to come to a conclusion...
all you need is get your wife on the same page with you if thats what you want
she needs to understand you and also then you make your plans on when to and when not to have babies dont get into a thing you not ready for, i can help you more.
Your agreed upon plan was:
"We had this plan to leave UK and travel Europe, find another country to settle in and build a family there."
I suggest a counselor to help you either get a new plan or help you carry out your plan.
(Children WILL change your life - it can be delightful, and at the same time a life changer. Be sure both of you are ready for this.)