Wedding being soured by mom
Me and my boyfriend of 6 years have taken the plunge and decided to make our upcoming holiday also a wedding and honeymoon. It is very exciting and we are both very happy. The issue I have is that my mom and dad are having relationship problems - this has been on /off for the last 7 years really so it's no surprise but I think this time i'm starting to notice a pattern in my mom's behavior where she a life event/ celebration happens for someone else in the family and she basically decided that she is not happy in her relationship with my father. The first time they 'split' up was when I went off to uni in 2009 and then again in 2012 when my brother did.
They also split up last year when me and my partner decided to buy a house and then as I announce my wedding she says she no longer loves my father. I don't doubt there are issues there but her timing really sucks! I'm excited to be getting married but it is being soured by her comments like 'I've been married 24 years and you can't trust someone even then' - I want to scream at her shut the f*ck up but it won't help.
I'm obviously worried about her and don't want her to be unhappy but I really think that I want to say 'can you put this on hold' it's supposed to be the happiest time of my life and I want to enjoy all the wedding preparations and she is making them not quite as special. What should I do? Has anyone else gotten married and then felt like a family member is more concerned with their own problems/issues? One other thing, she has decided to take her wedding rings off - a decision she made years ago but just as I send her an image of the wedding ring I am having she tells me she is going to buy her own ring, it's almost like she can't let me have even that!
Any advice? Am I being an awful daughter and onyl concerned about my own life?
I think, you are 100% right. You should focus on your wedding and your partner, because this will be the happiest time in your life. Have you talked with your fiancé about this problem? I am sure, he can help you. You should tell your mother to choose between her emotion and yours. I think, your mother likes being in the center of attention. Don't just want to say what you want to say, say it. Tell her how you feel.
I hope you can work out your problem.
Thanks for your reply, I think its a combination of her wanting attention and these big moments stirring up a lot of emotions for her which I understand at other times I have been there for her 100% but as you say I need to focus on my emotions not hers! I didn't put it in the post but other than this she is a pretty awesome mom who would do anything for me and my brother which is why I think it is especially hurtful that at this time she seems to be making it about herself.
I also think she quite likes 'having a hard time' and putting on a brave face and feeling sorry for herself. Some of the issues she has told me about with my father are so one sided and I jsut think there is often no compromise with her and she is the most over sensitive person I know, if you say something she doesn't like she'll never forgive you!
No, you are not "awful" and yes, you'd better get healthily selfish because she's a first class buzz killer. She can't stand for the action, attention or the idea to come from anyone except her. And she can't stand it that her babies are growing up and making decisions without her.
What do you do? Treat her like the child she is. You can ignore or divert the attention to another subject.
But stand firm. I think she is going to be a challenge in the future. Best to get your strength up now.