Advice for my relationship and myself
Lately i realize I've been feeling jealous- or something close to jealousy -of my girlfriend, but not in the usual sense. I love my girlfriend. We've been together for almost 2 years, and i trust her with all my heart. It doesn't bother me when she goes and hangs out with her friends, whether they are male or female. I'm a firm believer that people in a relationship need space and hanging out with others is healthy to both parties. When we started to hook up in the beginning we were just people enjoying each other. We even saw other people while we messed around, but in the end she told me she wanted me and only me, so we started a serious relationship and i couldn't be happier.
Or else i thought I couldn't, but then jealousy rears its ugly head and I'm forced to deal with it. My girlfriend is very attractive and has a great personality, so as expected she gets a lot of attention. Guys hit on her at work and sometimes at parties, and if that wasn't enough girls do the same thing, usually more aggressively than the guys. Just recently she told me that she had been hit up by two separate couples for threesomes. In the beginning it was nothing, but now i notice i've been getting jealous and dwelling on the matter for two main reasons.
The first is that i feel the whole thing is unfair. I'm not one to restrict someone to an extent, but i have been letting her get away with things and looking back, none of it would fly if the shoe was on the other foot. My girlfriend is bisexual and makes it clear when shes attracted to another woman or man, usually by pointing them out and making a comment. I just nod in agreement, but if i were the one to say anything i'd get chewed out or the silent treatment. Sometimes she drinks too much and makes out with random guys/girls, mostly the former when i'm not around. If i were to do that, she'd through me out of the house, especially if it happened more than once. She's allowed to speak to whoever she wants, including other people she's had sex with, but it's a much bigger deal if i keep in contact with others. She's even told me once that she can see herself sleeping with others, but she can't stand the thought of me doing it.
I can't help but feel like this whole thing is uneven. It doesn't bother me when she makes out with people or expresses her sexual desire for things. I knew her to be that way when i met her. I guess i just expected to enjoy more of everything like she gets to do. She's told me she wants to have sex with another woman, and i think she seriously contemplates the threesomes i mentioned before, but where does that leave me? My girlfriend exploring her curiosity sounds much better than me just wanting to sleep with someone else, but that doesn't change how i feel. Isn't exploring your curiosity the same as sleeping with someone else? And sure i could watch, but that can only do so much for me. How many times must i watch before i can actually do anything more?
My second problem is the one i feel most embarrassed about. I'm starting to feel more and more unattractive. Sure, my girlfriend says i'm hot, and that's always good, but i never get anyone gushing about my looks. It's nice to get a pick-me-up from a stranger or coworker, but i feel like i haven't had anyone find me good looking in a long time. Whatever good looks i had seem to be shadowed by my girlfriend, if not faded away completely. It feels good knowing that people find your partner gorgeous, but could't a little bit of that arousal and admiration be thrown my way from time to time? Where are my affectionate comments from attractive strangers? Where are all my threesome invites? I've had a threesome fantasy since high school, and she gets two hits in almost the same week. I don't even think her friends find me attractive, but i know its the other way around. As much as i feel like i should be above this, i can't help but feel a little down.
I guess i'm only posting this to find out if being too selfish, or if i'm not thinking of myself enough. I want her to be happy because she deserves to be, but these days people say the best advice is to keep yourself happy. I fear bringing the whole thing up because it might not lead to the compromise i want. It might just end up damaging us. I have no way to tell. What do i do?
Thanks for sharing what must be a very frustrating and complicated relationship. This will be challenging not just for you but for all of us who wish to offer help. Whereas you have total understanding of your feelings for your girlfriend, we don't. We cannot project your feelings in this matter. All we can do is infer or project our values into your conflict. This may not help but it could be entertaining.
So, may I suggest you share with us your values. We will need those in order of importance so we can challenge your desires with your values. For example, if you share that your values include heterosexuality, monogamy (exclusivity), faithfulness, trust, and other such characteristics, then your solutions are obvious. Change your values so you are comfortable with your girlfriend's behaviors or change your relationship. If, however, you value good looks, eroticism, independence, and social sex, than you may not have any issues at all. Emotional conflict comes when your behaviors are different than your values.
Again, please share what is important to you and allow us to comment on these principles and their effect on your and your girlfriend's behaviors.
When i think about it all, the only thing i really care about is the fairness. I don't really care about my looks. That was just a tiny little thorn that happened to stab me at the time. All around i'm an agreeable guy that melds with the people around him. I'm not all that special, so i make it all about the other person. I'm worried about other's happiness over my own. But in relationships i always thought it was about what everyone wants, not just one person. I normally wouldn't fret about stuff like this but this is currently my longest relationship and i find myself thinking about it all more and more.
I don't like to place restrictions on anyone, and all i ask is the same. If i'm ok with something, all i ask is that you be ok with it too, especially if we're dating. She was the one to push for an exclusive relationship, so it confuses me completely when she talks about other people, or incidents with other people. I know she would have a meltdown if it were the other way around. That one thought burns me up every time we find ourselves in another situation. Am i too forgiving? Am i handling it the wrong way? Sexual desire is one thing, but in the end i value my relationship more. But the more she does, the more it make me want to do.
Thanks for your response, FEANON. I’m very impressed with your selflessness, your willingness to make others happy. You would think this quality (value) alone would attract any and all women. Oh, and eventually it does. However, if you are looking for fairness in love and war, it is hard to find.
Perhaps you can identify her values and determine how compatible they are with yours. Have you tried to communicate and negotiate boundaries in which you both can accept and abide?
Finally, allow me to share this solution to your frustration. This solution is impossible to achieve, but worth the pursuit. It is frustrating in its pursuit because it is most often unrecognizable or worse, rejected. It is powerful, practical, and profound yet will leave you emotionally and physically exhausted, weary, and shattered. And what is this solution you may ask? Love like Jesus loved…… unconditionally.
I would wish you luck, but it is not about luck. It’s about commitment, promise, trust, and devotion from both of you to the other. Keep in touch.
I thank you for this. Hearing an outside voice really helps. I'll take all of it to heart. Take care.
I would like to pinpoint some things here:
- "I'm not all that special, so i make it all about the other person"
>> WRONG! You have to be the most special and important person to yourself.
- "in relationships i always thought it was about what everyone wants"
>> It is. Thing is that couples usually share mutual interests and look in the same general direction. That's how it works. When one of the 2 tries to "adapt" too much to the other part, it usually ends up failing.
- "all i ask is the same"
>> As we all do. Back in my home country they say: What's good for the hen is good for the roster. What it says is that rules are rules for everyone, and that's how it should be.
8TWENTY8, I get your point on unconditional love, but I truly believe that loving yourself unconditionally is what leads to fairness in love relationships.
Looks to me like she pushed for an exclusive relationship to have something to hold on emotionally, but she wants to keep acting single. At the same time, you're committed to an exclusive relationship on your side and that "energy" is what is making you "unattractive". Most probably your body language says: "I'm not available" so loud that people don't even bother to throw a pickup line on you.
This doesn't mean you're not attractive, it means that you're mind and your heart are not on the same page.
The fact is that she can get more threesome invites, because is more frequent a MFF than a MMF. But, then, you could as well be picking up girls for threesomes. Right?
That's how it works. That's how it should work. But are you comfortable doing so? Would your GF be comfortable with you picking up some girl for a sexual encounter?
Another option you may find satisfying is to get on the swinger scene. That way you can share with other like-minded couples and you'll have more chances as well ;)
I hope this helps you.
Please take care and keep in touch.
There is a real double standard going on here.
You have to decide if this is how you want to live and love. Sounds like it's eating at your self esteem.
There are girls out there who would be monogamous and think you are so hot that they would'n't even dream of sharing you with anyone else.
Thanks for sharing