I don't have people to turn to - help me with partner vs. family
JO - Aug 14 2017 at 16:22
We (me and my girlfriend) live in an apartment that the owner kind of split one apartment in two, where we share the same entrance with the neighbor below and there is a stair in the section of the neighbors to go to our section above them. Our neighbor happens to be my brother which is one of my biggest regrets to have invited him to live below me and my partner. The house is old, made mainly out of wood and stone exterior. So when my brother talks you can hear him, especially since he has a deep voice, you can clearly hear some sort of bass sound when he talks on the phone etc. Previous neighbors that lived below us was pretty quiet and usually, they were working. The only problem was that they step very loud on the floor that we can hear it upstairs. But overall really chill and nice people. The neighbors next door used to make a lot of noise at night. They would play loud bassy music late at night. That drove us crazy, especially my partner since she has very sensitive hearing. She would get pissed and it annoyed me that she was so mad every night and couldn’t sleep. I kept texting the neighbor telling her to turn it down a bit. Over and over again she would still play music. One day is texted her asking if I could come over and talk. I went to her house, we sat down and talked about how loud the music is and if she could pay more attention. I talked to her very politely. That was something I would have never done, but for the sake of our sanity and my girlfriend, I did it out of impulse. The neighbor understood and was not much of a bother after that day. So the couple below us moved out and I asked my brother to move in since he wanted to be independent and move out of my parents home. I had a bit of doubt but I was like why not, since my partner was also excited to have him here instead of people we don’t know.
Well, long story short, it has been hard since my brother has been dicky since he moved in, talking about how shitty the house is and was overall high-headed and not humble or grateful when we helped him. I started not to talk to him much anymore, and my partner was really annoyed at him with the way he was being and also how much noise he was making. I explained to my brother multiple times that we can hear him upstairs and if he could keep it down a bit. I also tried to forgive him for being a dickhead, since he asked for forgiveness and wanted to move forward. After some time he got his shit together, he wasn’t asking for help anymore, he got a job and was busy doing his own things. But he was still pretty noisy. My girlfriend would be angry at me for not demanding more strict boundaries. So each time my brother makes a noise she gets angry at me. Since my mother was never quickly on board with me being gay, my girlfriend already hated my family. Even when my mom tries now to include her or get to know her, my girlfriend feels like they are being fake. She even tells me not to eat things my family gave me because she said they might be poisoned or cursed. So it is extra on top of what my brother is doing. My brother was always ok with me being gay, he’s just dicky and annoying sometimes.
I feel like if the person down stairs was not my family and making noise, my girlfriend would be angry but wouldn’t attack me all the time like she is doing now. Even the neighbors next door, she got angry and jump up and down or scream but didn’t take the step to talk to the people. I don’t think it's fair for her to be treating me badly just because this time it is my family. Today my brother was vacuuming and talking on the phone for like an hour and we can hear him, my girlfriend got super agitated and having an anxiety break down because of that. At the same time, my girlfriend has always had deep depression, anxiety and possibly bipolar disorder. When she gets angry, its all about threating to leave or suicide, she feels like shes trapped, she tells me to cut off my family once and for all. These things happen each time there is a noise coming from my brother or when my mother would come visit for holidays. So my question is; is this fair? Do I need to force my brother to move out or not speak to him ever again? Should we move out? Should I stop talking to my family?
I feel like regardless of what type of apartment, even if it's super isolated, my girlfriend would always find something to get stressed about… I personally do not get agitated with the noises my brother make because I expect to hear people considering the state of the house and that maybe we are also making noise of our own up stairs that he can hear. To me, as long as it's not loud music/TV in the middle of the night I’m okay.
You have some stuff in your plate right now.
Let's try to get some more info.
1.- "my girlfriend has always had deep depression, anxiety and possibly bipolar disorder"
Is she diagnosed, medicated? It's worth looking for professional help if that's the case.
2.- "When she gets angry, its all about threating to leave or suicide"
This is plain manipulation. Somebody with suicidal thoughts don't go around shouting about it. So, next time, when she threatens with leaving, just tell her: "It's OK. Break free and find your happiness, I understand and I'm not going to be the one keeping you trapped" See what happens next.
Her presumptions about your family and "poisoned" food get the the next level. She may not like them, but she's not cooperating to try to look for an open door to their lives. Thus, causing you pain in the process. A wise friend used to say: "If A forces me to make a choice between A and B, I will always choose B. Time will tell that was the right choice"
Does your partner work or occupy her time in something different than housekeeping? Does she have anything else to think about aside from her "depressing, anxious, terrible" life?
Let us know, please.
(sorry had to login) Thanks for the quick reply SILVARION.. here is the thing...
Just right now we were fighting again. She told me to stand here to take some punches because if i will not listen then at least i can feel her pain physically. I took some hits and some sarcastic opinions for like 2 hours.
She had a troublesome childhood and past. The person she was the closest with past away a few months before we started dating, which was her grandmother, she isn’t over her still. So I kind of met her at a fragile state. We are now dating for 6 years. She has been to the psychologist a few times in her life, and had been diagnosed for depression but not the others disorders since she refuse to share much with the psychologist. She had anti-depressant pills but she tried overdosing on those, so she didn’t get any more. Right now she isn’t getting any professional help, because she says it doesn’t work.
When younger she said she was always depressed and wanted to suicide at a young age. She has also been sexually abused when she was a teenager. And her mother was tough on her, which she would get beaten when she had asthma attacks. I understand her struggles and I’m not just writing this to seem like I’m the perfect partner but to get opinions of others that I’m not alone on my thoughts.
We are both students. She always blames me for coming to the same country to study.. She has been failing a few studies. I’m doing pretty okay school wise. And she blames me for where she is in life, like if I was the one that told her to come after me and forget all her wishes. She keeps saying that I owe her to cut off ties with me family because she had to cut off ties with a girl she was into right before we met. Of course I wanted her to myself when we first met, but I would never tell her to stop talking to her family..
I feel awful… I swear, I try to be 200% there for her. Since she has depression etc, I do most of the cooking and cleaning, I’m constantly with her because she says she can’t function alone. I help her with whatever school work or help she needs. I hold her and be understanding when she is having an anxiety attack. I wait for her when she has to be somewhere and doesn’t want to walk home alone. We don’t have much friends so we go out when she feels like it. I stopped talking to my family as much. I only text them once in a while (like twice a week), while I need to hold and caress her because she is scared to lose her mother. She talks to her mother everyday multiple times a day. I’m not saying anyone is perfect but why should I cut ties with my family while I’m here investing all my time in her?… I understand that my brother is loud but does it mean that you get to treat me as if I never cared about us while i’m giving literally my all in this relationship?…....