Should I stay or should I go?
Me & my bf have been together almost 10 years. I took him from his ex gf bc i just knew i had to have him. We have two kids together one of which I haven't told him wasn't his, but he thinks she is. I often talk to him about marriage but he always says I'm not married or I'm never getting married. But he brought me a ring and told me ut was just a ring and nithing more. He just recently brought a house near his parents and didnt put me on the mortgage. I dont like it but I tell people we brought it together. Am I wasting my time it should I just wait and eventually he will change his mind?
Here's a question for you, Beauty. Why did you want this man?
1) You wanted him so strongly that you took him from his ex.
I am actually guilty of having done this before with someone. And I'm not entirely sure that it's just because we become possessive... I think maybe we want to be possessed by someone else, someone who still has that sparkle of loving and being loved, and exudes it. They carry the knowledge for how to successfully begin a relationship with you. We want to feed off of that energy. And we kind of get a high from it early on. This person is loving us now!
The problem is we're opportunists. And opportunists don't always have everything planned out. We are gamblers, we take a risk on a feeling, and ride out the ensuing wave of love in our brand new relationship. We didn't spend a lot of time courting, or building something true with the other person. If we had, the love may have ran so much deeper and been a lasting one, one we stay excited for and are loyal to. We just jumped in half-pleased, because it was better than the alternative - being alone.
2) You had a child with someone else, and passed it off as his.
I don't know the details of your pregnancy and whether or not it occurred during your time with this man. (If it did, then why did you cheat on him when, as you say, you wanted him?) It's clear that you have perpetuated a serious lie and have made this man responsible for a daughter he did not help to create.
Imagine if the shoe were on the other foot and men were the ones that gave birth. You would likely never hear the end of it if some possessive woman found out that her baby was the product of her man and another woman!
3) Neither of you hold the same views on marriage.
I may be a bit biased in saying so once again, but marriage doesn't mean anything. To some people it means a lot. But it is really just a social construct that we have come to be expectant of, and it really doesn't mean much of anything - it just brings the government into a relationship. If society were to fall tomorrow and the world became a wasteland for you and your lover to survive in until the end of your lives, would marriage still matter so much to you? I suspect it wouldn't mean a thing.
Your boyfriend probably feels the same way as I do. You are together, that is all it takes for him to be with someone.
You may be able to come around to his way of thinking, but I highly doubt you will. He may be able to come around to yours, but I doubt he will. Marriage is an event, a comforting change of status, a rite of passage that many people look forward to in life. It is a benchmark in life, one that they place heavy emphasis on. Being together without a label will always be enough for your boyfriend, but it will never be enough for you. This is something maybe you could have had some discussion about and come to an agreement on earlier in your relationship, but it seems that you rushed things a bit.
4) You still lie for your own comfort and benefit.
Not only did you lie about your daughter's paternity, but you also lied to people about both of your names being on the house's mortgage when clearly yours is not. I also suspect you lie to yourself sometimes about what that ring he gave to you means. You see it as a promise of some next step in your relationship, but he sees it as a fancy bauble and gift to make you feel more secure because you have wanted a ring as a symbol of being together.
You are trying to build and shape your relationship into something it is not. Your partner wants some of his own independence and wants to own the place he bought exclusively. (Maybe it is even possible that he realizes you two are on the rocks and wants to have a backup plan in case you do break up.) You are trying to create some sort of pinnacle to this journey, because to you the destination means a lot more than the current journey.
After almost 10 years, that's a lot of time to spend on someone. Obviously you don't mean nothing to each other for things to have gotten this far. But I'm afraid you are set up for a clash of different views, and maybe even disappointment at what the future holds.
Why did you love this man? And do you still? You have to ask yourself that, and figure out if you are happy with the now or really just want some sense of accomplishment.
People would often tell me he doesn't love me like that but I knew over time we would grow to love each other. I have also suspected him of cheating with his ex and heard he wanted to get back with her but he chose me. I love him because he is a good provider. And no matter how many times we break up we will always get back together.