It's hard to know where to start with this. Last Monday night my husband of 7 years received a call that a best friend of his, with whom he hadn't talked to in a few months, had commited suicide. My heart broke and after he got off the phone I held him and tried to talk to him. He just seemed stunned, sad. After getting up with him and trying to talk to him for a bit it seemed like he might have just wanted to be alone. So I asked him if he just wanted to be alone for a bit? He said yes, I said okay and walked out of the garage back into our house. I waited for a while then went back to check on him and talk they next few hours and he eventually came to bed. He said he was sad, but there was nothing he could do etc. The next day I called my mother in law to let her know what had happened, she had talked to
My husband already, which I had expected. Just wanted her aware since we would need babysitting for our two kids whenever the funeral service was held. Then I called my sister in law since she is our back up baby sitter. She already knew about his friend and I assumed it was from his mom, but she said Yeah he called me last night at like1030 really upset. I was shocked he had called her, taken a back, but I just kept the conversation going etc. He had called her. They have known each other for a long time and I am very fond of my sister in law and have never suspected anything between her and my husband and up until she said that, I completely and utterly trusted my husband. And I feel like a selfish basket case for even feeling anything like that in light of the loss of my husbands friend. I keep trying to support him and tell myself who does it matter he called? If it helps him? But there is this pain and jealous streak in my heart and suspicion. Why would he call her? Why wouldn't he open up and talk to me? Why couldn't he? And all I want to do is talk to him, and tell him how I'm feeling, but I don't want to add to what he is already going through. Anyways, what do you think? Am I over reacting? Do I just wait it out a bit and then talk to him about how I feel in another couple weeks? Just feeling a little lost. I am honestly wondering if they are having an affair. Or I don't know maybe he's secretly in love with her? But then I feel like I'm being paranoid and selfish, I should be offering support to my husband and not concerned by any of this. I just don't know.
It's hard to say. Do you know how many people he called in total? Do you know how long he talked to each person for? And does it even matter, since maybe some of these people knew his friend better or are just people who understand that aspect of his life better? Is it possible he even thought to call her because he realized she is the backup baby sitter?
Now, I will say this. People have this sense of intuition for a reason. Maybe you are picking up on feelings he has for his sister-in-law. I'm not saying your worries are unfounded. Or at the very least, maybe you are beginning to realize your own insecurities you have, that you didn't realize before. Did they seem especially close during this conversation? Since this conversation?
But you said it yourself, that you had never suspected anything between them prior. So for the time being, maybe it's safe to assume you're letting your fears get the better of you. There is no reason to believe your husband is having an affair. If other signs pop up later on, then okay, maybe it is worth giving more thought to.
I would not bring this up to your husband right now. Wait, and talk about it later if you think you should. You can continue to talk here as you need to, and we will try our best to help you with what you're feeling, and to listen to you. But as you said, your husband probably has a lot going through his head right now and probably doesn't want his friend's suicide to be turned into an accusation of suicide.
Were you close to his friend? Have you thought much about their friendship, and how his friend was driven to suicide over the months? Your husband hadn't talked to him in a while, and maybe he is feeling somewhat responsible because he wasn't there for him. Maybe they were even on poor terms? He's processing those final months and remembering the good times alike, I'm sure. Maybe it's worth it to see if you can relate to the situation as well, and empathize with what has happened. We don't do that enough in life. For now, maybe you can initiate a conversation with your husband and maybe try talking about his friend. He might appreciate your willingness to lend an ear.
My first reaction was to make sure my husband didn't feel it was his fault. His friend was an alcoholic and it sadly destroyed his life. He had done in patient treatment, AA, and would seem better for a little while, like he was able to conquer it. But then would something would happen and he would start drinkin again and he could not control it. It was so heart breaking to see someone destroyed like that. My husband and him had been drifting apart over the last two years. They had probably talked maybe 5 times? My husband would call and his friend wouldn't call back so he kind of eventually just stopped calling. One of the first things I said to my husband was not to blame him himself. And I'm pretty sure he felt like he couldn't have done anything to help his friend with his alcoholism. My sister in law did not know his friend, if anything I knew his friend better. My husband did not call anobdy else that night, just her 20 minutes after he found out. He called his other friends that were mutual friends the next day. And I know that made him feel better. Specially talking to his other best friend. I guess I just assumed he would call his brother not his brothers wife in a situation like this. I definitely know it's more I'm hurt he felt he couldn't turn to me, or what I had to say wasn't enough. And again that she didn't know his friend at all? It just struck me as so strange. We found out when the memorial will be yesterday and he had me call my sister in law to arrange babysitting etc. I will not be bringing this up to my husband at all, and will do everything in my power to be there for him.
I think you are smart to put your feelings on the back burner, at least, for a few weeks until you can see the whole picture. Just be available to listen to your husband whenever possible.
Your husband is seriously struggling with the loss of his friend. He’s probably wondering why and what he could have done differently to prevent this life from ending. This can haunt a person’s mind for a long time, so you will be there for the long haul.
You may be warranted feeling like your sister-in-law was replacing the role you wanted to fill during the start of this heartbreak.
Ask yourself some questions:
Did your husband actually call his brother about his friends suicide, and his wife just happened to answer the phone?
Is it possible, he was talking to her wishing it was his brother?
I am often guilty of trying to fix a problem when really all is needed was someone to listen.
For example: am I trying to help you fix your insecurities, when really all you needed was a place to vent your hurt feelings?
All I can truly offer you is prayers for you and your DH, and may the good Lord find the peace you are all looking for during this tragedy.
I understand you but I would just wait to talk to him, not now
Thank you all for your support. I have waited and chosen not to say anything, and of course those feelings have faded and seem inconsequential now. I believe he called my sister in law to ask what to say to his friends mom when he called, which he had also asked me about. The normal person he would call in a situation like that, was the person who committed suicide. My heart is breaking for my husband, for his friends family. I realized it was so wrong of me to be upset. I don't expect that I'm the only person my husband had to turn to or should I be. But I am here for him for support and to help him. Again thank you all so much for helping me find calm and solace. I almost think I was trying to find an outlet for my own shock and grief and for some reason latched on to an opportunity to be jealous to express my feelings. But now it seems like distant feeling that doesn't make sense at all. Again thank you to everyone who helped me!