Am i waisting my time or should i stay?

Posted by
BEAUTY 808
on Aug 15 2017 at 15:47
Member since: 15 August 2017
Relationship advice forum category advice forum category Me & my bf have been together almost 10 years. I took him from his ex gf bc i just knew i had to have him. We have two kids together one of which I haven't told him wasn't his, but he thinks she is. I often talk to him about marriage but he always says I'm not married or I'm never getting married. But he brought me a ring and told me ut was just a ring and nothing more. He just recently brought a house near his parents and didnt put me on the mortgage. I dont like it but I tell people we brought it together.People would often tell me he doesn't love me like that but I knew over time we would grow to love each other. I have also suspected him of cheating with his ex and heard he wanted to get back with her but he chose me. I love him because he is a good provider. And no matter how many times we break up we will always get back together.Am I wasting my time it should I just wait and eventually he will change his mind about marriage?
Reply from
LINNEYFYE
on Aug 15 2017 at 16:04
Member since: 15 May 2016
If he hasn't asked you to marry him by now, I doubt that he will. Also I would question whether marriage is what you want? If you have already cheated on him, are the type of person to steal

Him from another, do you have what it take to make a marriage work? Then again you have been together 10 years which shows commitment. Why is marriage so important to you if you have been together so long with out it?

Reply from
BEAUTY 808
on Aug 15 2017 at 16:21
Member since: 15 August 2017
I didnt cheat. When we first got together I knew the real dad would not be able to take care of my daughter bc he has other kids. I had a one night stand with this guy & he believed that my child was his. So I never felt the need to tell him any different.
Reply from
LINNEYFYE
on Aug 15 2017 at 16:31
Member since: 15 May 2016
Sorry for the confusion. So it just happened that you slept with this other guy right before you got together with your boyfriend? I can see that being a tough call to make. Since you took your boyfriend from another women it just makes me question the stability of your relationship. It just seems like a tough place to start the relationship from? Why after 10 years do you want him to get married? Or have you always thought that's where the relationship would go and it just hasn't? I would just ask him if he plans to marry you because that's what you want. He seems to have already told you he doesn't want to get married. I would just decide can you live the rest of your life with him not being married to you? If your answer is no then I say it be time to end the relationship.
Reply from
BEAUTY 808
on Aug 15 2017 at 16:39
Member since: 15 August 2017
I feel like we have been together this long so we should just go ahead and tie the knot. It hurts when he tells people we are not married and he's never getting married. I feel like he will one day change his mind. Someone even heard him refer to his ex gf as his future wife. But he chose to be with his family instead.
Reply from
CROSSROADS
on Aug 18 2017 at 17:37
Member since: 12 November 2017
The 10 year history you have with bf indicates the strong commitment you’ve made, along with your hope that things would be farther along for you to feel the emotional and financial security you desire. His ring, provisional support, and returning after conflicts apparently has provided enough for you to hang in there with him so far, but he is not offering the level of commitment and reassurance you need, hence the very important and difficult question you raise about whether to stay or leave.

There is a lot that goes into a decision like this, likely more than you have indicated in your post, which has ramifications for you and your children. My recommendation is not directly to your question of staying or leaving, but rather to first thoroughly continue the process you have started of gathering information and recommendations as you sort through your options. Have you considered professional counseling for yourself and/or with bf? You seem to be a good candidate for the benefits that can come from counseling. A therapist can also be a resource and source of support.

Your closing line questioning about “…eventually he will change his mind about marriage?” indicates your strong capacity to put your faith and trust in something or someone, in this case your bf. The good news is that there is Someone who is faithful and committed to us and our dilemmas in life. You didn’t mention your faith background. Would you mind sharing with us? I went through some difficult times in high school, and through my seeking have come to believe that Jesus invites us to learn of Him as an unfailing Friend and Counselor. Maybe this is a time in your life’s journey to get to know Him better. Opportunities to do that – open a Bible, say a prayer, call a Pastor, or walk into a church. I could provide other resources.

Not an easy position to be in, but I trust you will get through it, as I support you with my prayers.

CROSSroads

Reply from
BEAUTY 808
on Aug 21 2017 at 05:43
Member since: 15 August 2017
I go to church sometimes but not very often. Usually when our families invite us to a service.
Reply from
SUSIEDQQ
on Aug 22 2017 at 02:47
Member since: 27 December 2013
What is your legal protection at this time? If he should die, what would happen to this house and your children?

After 10 years you both need to sit down with an estate planner or lawyer and get yourself a plan.

Reply from
CROSSROADS
on Aug 23 2017 at 16:03
Member since: 12 November 2017
Attending church at the invitation of family shows once again how important family experiences are to you. I wonder what the church experience has been like for you on a personal level? It might be a beneficial social experience, but do you experience it as an opportunity to know and think about Jesus? Considering your relationship with Jesus can be an important resource and reference as you work through the challenging situations and decisions you face. If you do experience any benefit in church participation, maybe attending more often would increase those benefits and add to what you provide for your children.

CROSSroads

Reply from
BEAUTY 808
on Aug 24 2017 at 03:38
Member since: 15 August 2017
He said if he dies the house goes to his parents. Which I know his family can't stand me already. He refuses to put my name on the house. He says it would only complicate things more.
Reply from
SILVARION
on Aug 25 2017 at 22:56
Member since: 28 June 2017
Hello Beauty808,

I have to a couple things to say about your original post. I think you need a different POV.

1.- "I took him from his ex gf bc i just knew i had to have him"

So, he was just a thing. A new cell phone, a brand new trending piece of fashion. You had to have him... That doesn't sound like love.

2.- "We have two kids together one of which I haven't told him wasn't his"

Now you're lying to him, you probably know he would get mad and end the relationship right away. Not to mention that he could actually deny support to the kid that is not his.

3.- "I knew over time we would grow to love each other"

That's friendship, not a marriage.

4.- "I have also suspected him of cheating with his ex and heard he wanted to get back with her but he chose me"

You suspect and you heard. Have you ever talked with him about it?

5.- "I love him because he is a good provider"

That's not love, honey. That's a different thing.

Now, let's do a quick reality check here. You took your partner from another woman, which makes you think that it could also happen to you. You know that the fact that you've been hiding the truth about the other guy's kid would be completely hurtful to the relationship. You took the easy way out omitting the information because "you knew the father wouldn't be able to support her". Now you're reaching that point in life when you want security and stability. But you built up this relationship on the debris of the former relationship. Those are never good foundations for love. Yet, here you are.

I would tell you to talk with him about the scenario where he is no longer with you. What would happen and how can he "protect" his family in the case of a tragedy, or something like that. If he knows that the house would go to his parents and he's not willing to put your name there or, at least, make some sort of legal paper where he entitles you to keep that after he's gone, then there must something on his mind that he's not telling you. Sit together and have a nice chat. Not about getting married, but about your future together. That may clarify some things up and give you both a good idea of where are you standing.

On the other hand, your question should raise some alarms already. 10 years and a question about wasting time put together are a clear indicative that there can be a lot of friendship and partnership, but not heart-pumping breath-taking love. Is this the man you want to be with when you're 70 or 80 years old?

Good luck. I hope you sort it out.

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