From friends to more
MISSYB - Aug 29 2017 at 07:59
I have had a close guy friend for about 2 years now and for the vast majority of this time I have had growing feelings for him. I told him about a year ago but I was drunk at the time and black out, only time its ever happened to me. I tried to get over him, but every guy I met or even went out with just fell miles short. I am very inexperienced when it comes to these thing, ( most significant relationship was a week long fling in a semester abroad.) I tend to be a runner.
Now, it came out, unintentionally, that he has feelings for me. After talking about it, we decided to go on a date. It happened this weekend, and was fun, he was just like always, a little more flirty but mostly it was the same. It didn't feel any different. He came over to watch the game of thrones episode and again, sat across the room, slightly distant. We wont be able to see each other outside of our honors frat for two weeks, so no second date plans yet. I am worried he already changed his mind. He did warn me that he would take time to feel comfortable with me again.
He is reserved and I'm inexperienced. I need advice on how to move this forward without being to forceful and making us both uncomfortable. Yet, at the same time get him to feel comfortable making moves as well, I don't want to be the only one driving this. I tend to me an affectionate person, and need some in return. Is it to early to tell him I need more, or should I give it some time. We are also not telling our friends until we know what it is, so I cant really talk to the people you know us about this yet.
The transition from being a friend to a lover is a slightly awkward one when especially you'll have seen each other as just friends in the past. So yes, this is going to take some while before you'll actually are comfortable with each other. I understand your anxieties are growing and you are skeptical about his intentions. The first step is for you to break the ice for him. You might have to go two steps ahead in order to make this happen, but don't take it badly. Eventually once he is comfortable with you he shall reciprocate it back. Try spending more time with him whenever you can. Start talking to him over the phone, texts, spontaneous short messages.
I have been in the same place as you are and it took some while for us to actually be comfortable with each other. Holding his hands, giving him confidence, talking to him about your likes these are all small ways to enhance your relationship. I understand that you don't want to be out-smartened by him by being so forthcoming. But start taking a few baby steps. Maybe tell him you want to go watch a movie uve been waiting to watch for a while, or maybe u wanting to try a new restaurant in town. Point being, at every step you'll see how he is responding and how much u need to put in. Be confident in what ever you are doing. Be honest. Don't react immediately to things u don't like. Give him the benefit of doubt. He will try and be playfull, u should play along.
About your anxieties, be patient. There are times when you are not prepared to give in your self completely. It is always very easy to fall in love with someone in the first instance and then build the relationship and always slightly difficult to change stances from friendships to being lovers. Keep your self occupied with things. When he responds or gets in touch be absolutely normal, maybe excited to hear from him.
I appreciate your patience and how you are waiting for him to take the lead. Inexperience is not a bad thing, and by your letter, you seem to know what you want in a relationship. You are just not sure how to get there.
Once you two are free to get together outside of the honors frat: encourage each other to enjoy the simple things in life. Taking a walk through a park (maybe bringing his favorite snack bar) or watching a sunset are great ways to find out new treasures about each.
Write down what you are looking for in a long term relationship? You mentioned affection, so holding hands in the park is a great first step. But, let it come naturally, you’ll both know when it’s the right time. And are you looking for commitment?
You mentioned in your letter: that he said, “it would take time for him to feel comfortable again”? This triggered a concern about your past friendship? Did he get hurt and is this why he’s now being a little distant? So, keep those communication lines open, as I don’t know anyone who can actually, read minds. ;)
Have you ever heard of a book called “The Five Love Languages”? By Gary Chapman. They have one for singles/dating and it’s a great way to get started in any relationship!
I agree with Susie