Should I move home? Tortured :(
NICKY - Aug 31 2017 at 04:14
So I am hoping that somebody may be able to help me make a decision or advise me on how to. My story is I have been living in Toronto for over two years on a working visa. I came here with my partner and through the ups and downs we managed to land good jobs and things were going well. In May the working visas ran out and the lengthy process of applying for an extension began. At the same time I suffered a kind of breakdown of sorts and ended up being signed off work with depression and anxiety. I am currently still being treated for this. To date, I have not worked in almost three months here in Toronto.
So this breakdown seem to come around the same time when I had to make huge life decisions which I felt completely overwhelmed me. I m 38 and my boyfriend is 36 and he started to talk about having children. With my history of depression and anxiety I initially freaked out at the idea and he was clearly upset that I felt that way. I did warm up to it and since felt I am more interested in having children but still didn't always feel sure as at 38 I do feel it probably isn't at the top of my list anymore if it ever was. Marriage certainly isn't either but I would marry this man, as I do care for him deeply.
My concern is that I feel subconsciously in the back of my mind I had perhaps thought I would be going home in May when the visa ran out but of course today we were granted a year's extension and I have been crying since it arrived in the mail. My partner on the other hand is delighted for us that we have received this visa extension. I am very close to my father and I feel he wants me to come home strongly. My Mum was unwell last year and my sister has had a new baby. I feel like my travelling days were done in my teens and twenties and my family aren't getting any younger. At the same time rather selfishly living here we have avoided the dramas and negativity that sometimes our families lay on us. I am a homebird however and I feel my depression came from homesickness. I have not been able to go home since we arrived due to financial reasons.
I am in this awful position where I want to follow my heart and do what is right for me but I do not want to break up the relationship. However my Boyfriend is adamant that he does not want to go back to Ireland and will resent me and be unhappy if he goes. I just don't know what to do now and I am tortured between the love of my home and my boyfriend. Can anyone advise me, I am so distressed and I am afraid this will drive me into my depression again, when I have been feeling so much better.
Thanks for reading...
So you think that I would be in fact ending this relationship if I go home? Or that I am the one who is breaking it up..
You need to communicate with your boyfriend and both you adults need to make a solid decision.
Don't make assumptions on what the other thinks the other party wants. We heard your point of view, we dont know what your boyfriend really wants, just what you think he wants.
I don't see going home for a visit as a end to the relationship. Plus its not like you are working.
How badly financially are you? If you say you have good jobs, but its not paying well enough for you to go back, even if you are homesick and its probably causing the depression, how good is the job?
Once you decide on the following:
1. Children Yes/No?
2. Marriage Yes/No?
3. Long term relationship (no divorce in 15 years) investment Yes/No?
Then I think your life will be much clearer.
You gave yourself the answer in your first post.
You're homesick, there's no doubt about it. Now, think why you left Ireland in the first place. Looks like "the dramas and negativity that sometimes our families lay on us" had something to do about it.
I bet you were OK while working. Seems like you are pushing yourself to have reasons to go back home.
Question is: Why don't you go there for some vacations? Stay a couple weeks and come back refreshed from home and ready to work again.
I'm not getting the reason why you think that going home, means staying there forever. Things are not black or white, there are a lot of shades in between that can help you get through this rough time.
Good luck and keep us posted, please!
My Father and I have a very close relationship and I feel he really wants me to come home. I do feel in the long term I want to be there so why don't I just be there, do you get what I am saying? My fears about going home is that I would have to live back in my parent's house with a Mother is hot and cold and I don't trust fully most of the time. I love her very much but she could challenge my mental health once more if I lived with them whilst I try to settle at home.
My parents will not be at home (as will be on vacation) until October. My boyfriend wants to go home at Christmas so I am now thinking is there any point in going home twice? At the end of the day it is worth saying that I did move here for him. Today I am regretting that all day.