Dating a younger guy
AMATAE - Sep 9 2017 at 17:24
I need some advice.... I'm really in uncharted waters...
I met my guy on an online art site and we were friends and I didn't know his age. Then, when I realized my attraction I did find out he was 18. A few months later we became an online couple and made it official when he was 19.
I'm 32 right now and he's 21.
While he is immature and I understand his age is a lot of figuring things out in life while you go.... I'm finding myself very confused.
It's been nearly two years of official online dating and it wasn't until February Of this year that he even thought we should talk on the phone. Our relationship has been lackluster in the normal things like gifts... Valentine's Day has been missed, birthday was forgotten.... etc. which I'm not big into those things so it was okay though I will admit a card wouldn't have been rejected.
February he told me he was joining the navy and so I asked if we could meet before he goes into bootcamp. So, august we met.
I expected fireworks... or something.... I received a promise necklace (I have RA and my fingers swell so I don't wear rings). I was over the moon about it. We've exchanged I love you's before so this wasn't completely unexpected but it still made me happy.
Then, during our time together .... there was no physical interaction. We shared a room but with two beds (understandable for a first meet). I had to coax him into holding my hand, I received very few hugs, and at the time of his leaving I got a quick kiss on the cheek. When he returned home I asked him and he said he was just shy and then we talked about the future. I've strongly suspected in the past that he was physically attracted to me but he assured me that wasn't the case as well.
However, this last week he mentioned that he wanted me in his life "eventually" but that he really wasn't sure about his future right now. When I asked for explanation he said that he didn't want a future with me until he was established in the navy and fully on his own but that he didn't expect me to wait 5 years.
I'm dumbfounded and very confused. I understand that he is young and the future is very uncertain but.... I've been in this relationship for two years (nearly 3 as he's almost 22) and begged and pleaded for phone calls and meetings and when I finally get one he wants to put on the breaks...
I love him but am I wasting my time on someone who isn't mature enough to realize what a relationship even is? Is he trying to tell me he no longer wants to be with me but just doesn't want to hurt me? I just am so confused... am I reading too much into it?
Love is magical! It is meant to lift us up so we can fly. It is not meant to be work or confusion, something with all kinds of questions left unanswered. A relationship is security. Freedom. Comfort and more.
The only way to understand someone is if they understand themselves and it can be difficult for all of us sometimes, but its clear that he has made plans for his life. Being in the military is very serious and requires all of his focus. He is probably not thinking about marriage at all right now but military wives need to be a strong support and very independent.
I think that you made your meeting about you and your need for comfort and attention from someone that cares for you. That is not something that he is able to offer you right now because he probably has a lot of questions. He is probably wondering if you want children, the age difference and the fact that he is in the military makes that very complicated. Men typically like to think with the facts and women think with more emotion, both are important but rational clear thinking is very important when making life decisions.
I think that you should keep him as your brother. We all need someone that cares for us in our life, love isn't just for intimate relationships, love is everywhere and has the potential to grow between anyone. Love him like a brother, write him letters and take care of him. Women are powerful and when we are nurturing we are a gift to those that we care about, let him bring out the sister in you so that you will always be someone that has love in her life because she lives her life as everyone's sister. Live off of that love until one day one of your 'brothers' loves you so much that he will know that he has to have you for himself....and you live happily ever after.
A person that knows exactly what they want and it is based on experience, and a collection of thoughts and considerations is someone that hasn't any regrets. They are sure of themselves and secure...looking forward and not to the past... looking to build without doubt or questions in their mind. The focus is on FREEDOM and FUN.
What will make and break this plan... is how busy are you? Is your life filled with what you love, what you love to do, your interests...all of the things that make up YOUR path in life? Get planning and design your days filled with wonderful things to do!!
Go out places, get involved in the community, meet lots of new people and make lots of new friends!! Shine!!
We are all who we are... but what is incredible is what we can bring out of one another... it changes who we think we are. Be someone that lets the world bring out the best in her and someone that brings out the best in the world!!
Forgive me, but I don't want a brother. And I don't want to have to nurture and coddle someone to have them like me.
I have my own life. I'm very active in my community and very independent. The meeting with my guy I traveled 8 hours for one day with him and then turned around and traveled 8 hours back home. I didn't want emotional or physical validation - I merely wanted some sort of recognition that I wasn't wasting my time on someone who felt I was a fling. And when he answered my concerns and I answered his everything was fine until this week.
I appreciate your message and I understand what you were saying. But not every man and woman I meet is my brother or sister. Most men I can't stand for a second. Again I truly appreciate your response but I also disagree with it.
It doesn't really matter how you met each other or when, what does matter is that you may love him but he doesn't love you the same. When a man says he wants you in his life eventually, but just not now, then it's a heads up for you that you're not his priority. While you have put the effort into this relationship, this guy is on another page. Realistically, you need a man who reciprocates your love and who shares your life goals and values, rather than have you beg and plead to simply meet with him.
Online dating may seem easier but it's many pitfalls along the way mean that people miss out on the little things that make a relationship worthwhile. It doesn't matter how old this guy is, or what his career plans are, what does matter is that you need to step back from it all and ask yourself if this guy has the same need for you as you have for him...it's that simple.
There is no need to ask for forgiveness you have not done me harm.
Its not easy to post problems here, and it isn't easy to address them. Our lives are too complex and unique to see eye to eye on everything and there isn't always time to explain all of our cosiderations in detail.
For instance I used the word SISTER, that word can have so many different meanings. To me a sister takes care of others for the moment in passing without any kind of expectation, but lots of understanding, compassion and insight into what other people are going experiencing. Its a lot less ME and a lot more of the WORLD, its UNIVERSAL LOVE.
You are here on this website receiving care...to me this is a moment where people have approached you with their brotherly or sisterly advice. Care makes the world go round and the more that we live WITH care in OUR heart, the more fulfilled we are and less in need.
The more clarity we have in our life, the more security we have. FOCUS FIGHTS FEAR. FEAR is CONFUSION.
This boy you were dating was confused about a lot of different things as are you. It often feels easier to pretend that everything is alright and will work out, instead of working it out but it is just a waste of worry and time. This guy was 15 or 16 years old and you were 30 when you started dating....he is just a kid. He doesn't know what he wants. He wants to live life, play video games, be liked, meet friends to play, have different experiences, have fun, have a role in life that makes him feel purposeful and proud of himself, have honor, etc. He gave you the lead in the relationship because he thought that he would be taken care of, HIS best interests in mind....but for some reason, perhaps past experiences you are being self centered and inconsiderate...so much that you do not understand him at all. You are thinking only about yourself.
I know that that was probably not easy to read, and it wasn't easy to say to you either but its an honest reflection. WE ALL act in a way that is kinda ugly sometimes, its human nature. But it is in our control to define ourselves and define life so that we can be better. Life is a journey about growth and growth involves being able to see ourselves so that we can change ourselves.